Dark inside (Solby)

Darkness

Sams POV

It's been really hard for me, since my dad sent me that message, to do much of anything. It's hard for me to make videos, or post pictures, or truly enjoy the relationship I have with Colby because my head is always filled with these voices. These voices that spend every moment they can hissing dark things to me, reminding me how much I'm hated and judged. I haven't gone into little space much which probably isn't helping, but even in little space the voices are still there, taunting me and laughing at me. There's no point to try and hide from the truth, just try to find a way to shut up the voices as long as I can. I haven't done it yet, but I've thought about cutting a lot recently, which terrifies me. The fact that it has gone so far as to the point where I'm basically turning into who Colby was in high school isn't a good thing. All because my dad doesn't give a shit about what I want, just who he wants me to be. I was sitting in our room along with the razor blade in my hand as I spun it around my fingers slowly, processing the idea for the fourth time today. I could do it, it would shut them up and I could be sort of normal. However, Colby would probably find out and I wouldn't hear the end of it, Hell he probably wouldn't leave me alone either. I feel like I'm just being dragged deeper and deeper into this dark hole of loneliness with no way to escape, except the marks I would leave on my skin. I spun it around again before I pulled the sleeve of my hoodie up and slowly dragged the blade across mg wrist, hearing the voices quiet down to nothingness as I left another mark and another. Once they were gone I pulled the sleeve back down and tossed the blade in a small box as I sighed and curled up into a ball. Is this what Colby felt on a daily basis? A constant war between what he knows is right and shutting up the voices in his head? Did he really feel this alone? Like there was no one on the planet that could pull him out of the dark hole he was buried in? But I had helped him out of that. I had saved him from that darkness, and maybe that's why I didn't want to put this on him, because I didn't want him to feel pressured, or somehow trigger something that slipped him back into his old ways. I sighed in relief when I saw that the cut wasn't deep enough to bleed through the hoodie as I snuggled into the hoodie with a sigh. As I did so there was a soft knock on the door and I looked up.

"Sammy? Can I come in?"

"Yea" I mumbled but I stayed where I was. When he opened the door and saw me he sat next to me and carefully pulled me into his arms.

"Staying up here by yourself really isn't good for you. You might start thinking darker thoughts." I snuggled close to him and sighed.

"I just, I don't have the energy to do anything. To go anywhere to film videos. I don't feel like doing anything but just sitting up here and waiting for me to just be someone who's forgotten."

"Except your fans will never forget who you are sam. And that's the thing. You have an entire fan base and your out friends to help you through this. All we want to do is help you"

"But what if in helping me it destroys you in the process?" I mumbled without thinking. "What if your darkness comes back and it overruns you and tears you back to square one?" Colby looks at me with soft eyes and I could tell I had just screwed myself.

"What happened Sam? What did you do?" I didn't say anything I just sat in his arms for a few seconds.

"Nothing. I just have these constant voices ringing in my head. Demanding I leave marks and leave scars to get them to go away. And I don't want that to trigger your old darkness." Colby seemed to relax only a little and he ran his fingers through my hair as he looked at me with soft eyes.

"You helped me through my darkness. Now I can help you through this darkness." I nodded slowly and closed my eyes as I curled up close to him and tried holding back tears. He couldn't help me. There wasn't a way for him to pull me out of this dark abyss of loneliness. No one could truly save me, but if I was gonna do anything to save the others I would have to wait until I was completely alone. When I was brought back to what was around me I was being moved down the stairs.

"You need to be around us once and awhile. Itll make the voices louder if you don't" I nodded and nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck as I stayed as close to him as possible, afraid someone would be able to tell I had scars. He brought me downstairs and sat on the beanbag, and I heard a video game in the background as I stayed curled up in Colby's arms.  He caught a controller and started to play with the others. I looked up and saw them playing rocket league for the millionth time today. I smiled as I kept my head rested against his shoulder until I stole the controller from him when he wasn't playing very good and played for him, winning the round as the others laughed. It was easier to relax when the voices were quiet but I know they wouldn't be quiet forever, they'd come back and I would be back in the dark hole of my room. I had to hold back flinching every time Colby would grab my wrist for whatever reason but it was easier than facing the truth.