Spoken Word #2 (2018-2020)

Bi-Poler Disorder

Bi-Poler Disorder

My phone dings.. It's my friends..

But I suddenly don't feel anything..

The ringing in my head,..

It frustrates me, I can't get a hold of my feelings, my emotions!

I am just going through the motions.

As I lay here in oceans of emptiness.

God it feels like I can't even grasp myself.

I can't even understand why I feel this way.

My mind toys with me, as if I am my own prey.

I wish to slay these thoughts in my head.

They claw, and they scrape at my every being!

I have no air. Please stop texting me, This isn't fair.

I don't want you around!

Because I will just feel like a clown.

Don't you understand anything I go through!

I am so up and down, I'm spun all around.

I feel like I am fraying like a rope, at the end of my hope.

Manic! I feel like the Titanic.. Sinking, (Sinking)..(Sinking!)

As all of my logic is drowning.

And all I can see is my friend's frowning.

"Oh its just another day, Another episode.

You will get through it"

Give me a break.

Because you don't know how much I ache.

How much my brain feels like an earthquake.

As I lay awake and I forsake myself, Cussing at the stars above.

I feel like I can just be disposed of. .

Never to be seen again..

Suddenly the sun rises again on my despair.

And I can breathe.. Be hopeful for a little while.

Until it comes swining back, knocking me down upon the ground.

I can't breathe, I can't think. Please help me!..

But I don't want your help, Don't you know, don't you know.

That I don't need anyone?

The sun continues to go down, what a short lived happiness I have.

Like a roller-coaster, I am everywhere!

I am here, I am there, I am near, and I am far.

Can't you understand, That I just don't want to, today?

Please don't mistake yourselves, This is just as complicated for you, as it is for me.

I am not blowing you off.. Please stay a little while..

Watch the sunrise on my happiness and hold me tight.

For the storm is brewing once more inside my head. Come sail with me..

As we bear the unforgiving sea.

She says that she loves me, I wish I could only agree.

But like a banshee it comes screaming back at me.

STOP!

I feel like I am running through the debris of myself.

When can the sun shine?

When can I smile for a little while and not feel the pain of my disorder.

You can't understand why I feel this way,

I AM SO EXHAUSTED..

Can't you tell?

(Can't you tell?)

By the bags under my eyes,

Little sleep comes to me.

Please don't be a flea on my phone.

Blowing up my notifications.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK!

Please, Let me be.. But don't go to far..

I don't want to be alone...

I know this is crappy.. I wish I could be carefree..

Sit under a big oak tree in peace.

But I foresee much more fuss.

Until the sun that I wish so bad to peak through the hills.

It gives me chills..

as I can finally breathe, and I am refilled.

Fulfilled.

I set down my pills for a little while.

As the peace enters my being.

So freeing as I breathe the crisp air.

I'd rather not think.

I'd rather not bleed.

To me, (To me).. I'd rather not think (think)

I'd rather not bleed (bleed)

I smell the crisp air..

Inhale.. For this peace will only last a little while.

And then the hole will return.

But for now.. I can breathe..