Spoken Word #2 (2018-2020)

Fuck it

My depression has wrapped me in its arms, and its the only thing I can write about.
I feel like I am in a writing drought.
en route to a black out,
I can't clean out the shit in my heart.
 I am so fucking mad, I am so fucking bitter.
I can't help it. I will just post it on twitter,
 like a transmitter. Maybe I am a counterfeiter,
Fuck I don't know. I ain't a quitter that's for damn sure.

But I am not a baby sitter to everyone's mental issues.
I am not in an official position to fix all these problems.
I am siting here trying to figure how to get to work every day.
 My 9-5 job while I am dying inside so fucking mad with my life.
 But I am afraid, I have such a big heart
 I can't convey how much I care,
but I betray myself a lot.
Constantly getting myself in trouble for the shit I say. So afraid man, so afraid.

I feel like I am in a decay just one step away from doomsday.
I am falling apart at the seams but no one truly cares it seems.
Fuck I don't know, I feel like I astray from my own beliefs.
That my pain is on display like a fucking Broadway.
I just don't want anyone to be alone like I was.
It feels like a damn cyclone and I can't hone my self.
I just go with the flow day to day, I
 just don't want anyone to be alone,
There is worse ways to die inside.
To bleed alone is the worst feeling

I would know because for hours I would lay in my bed.
 Wishing for better days, hoping they'd come but they never did.
 Hoping i'd have a friend, but they all disowned me.
I didn't intend to be any of this,
I can't comprehend how many people I've helped,
Yet I still feel divided,
Like everyone wants to be my friend.
 But yet all I got is fake smiles, and fake laughter

As I am dying inside.
I feel like I have lied and misguided everyone around me
I am on the outside, a little on the downside
because my success is so dry,
its not a joy ride,  And I just wanna die.
 Sometimes I feel like I have got no fucking purpose.
 I feel much more a burden, and I am out of service,
Constantly nervous wishing I could be a better person,
But all I am is a smile on the fucking surface.

And I am certain I will be thrown in the furnace.
I can't stand this circus, But I am so determined to win.
 I don't want to be a has-been, or a funeral service,
 As much as it burns I will just down this Vodka.
Stay alive for my momma and not the drama.
Smoke a bunch of marijuana to get through the night.
Try to get past all of my trauma,
While I call on my Papa in heaven.
I get down on my knees and pray

Cursing out the devil's presence within me.
Pleading to the lord to take all this aggression.
 To solve my depression to answer all of my questions.
It feels like I am spitting venom yet no one is listening.
I just want to lessen my pain,
and I don't know what I am getting at.
 I am begging for a blessing,
 but I feel like a fucking peasant,

I am not sure if this my confession, or an expression.
 I just want to feel like I have some sort of progression,
But all I feel is oppression,
Waiting for Armageddon.
 I know I am forgiven but it still feels so horrible,
As I try to fix my facial expressions To hid my manic depression.

I don't feel like I make a good impression on anyone.
 I know its a looser mentality but God, I just want to win.
Maybe I am impatient... this is exactly whats going to push me to freedom.
But that's not all I want, Directionally I want to fix the country.
 I am not confident in myself, And I feel like I am lost like a typical 22 year old
That doesn't have anything.
But yet I have to remind myself that I have everything.
My confidence has risen, and my pain is lessing.
And life is a blessing...And I am distressing.. No longer begging to be forgotten.
But to be remembered.
 Lord fill me with your presence,..Because I have no idea where I am going anymore..