Spoken Word #2 (2018-2020)

Craze

Craze I go through days

in a craze, Along with my self hatred

I feel dictated inflated. What have I created within me. These thoughts invade my mind; like vines tying me down towards the ground. I scream for help; and yet no one hears me.

But I know that is a lie in itself; I do so much good, I help so many and yet the thoughts are still heavy. I don't want to be buried I am not ready, its scary to deal with.

If I am not in pain how can I write? My thoughts are not polite I am constantly fighting within myself. Its got such an appetite..expedite it, Can't line of sight it. So impolite.

I have overcome so much; Its almost like I need to suffer out of sight so I can write. Without the pain how can I ever come to light?

Despite of all of this, I don't feel like I can ignite another soul because I hate myself; I am not wrapped up tight; I am not your moonlight, I am not alright. I am not air-tight.

But I don't know how to make it better.
I go through days
in a craze, Along with my self hatredI feel dictated inflated. With what I have created within me.

Its kind of a built in coping mechanism

to never speak means I can then press the un-mute and wow the stage!

But then everyone goes home, and I am left to assault these talking thoughts its a rampage; bronze age.. !!!Strain!!

I can't even make a living wage, Disengage;

My mind feels like a squirrel cage always bouncing from one thought to the next as if the pressure gauge is about to explode and I will be sent spiraling down into worlds unknown all because I refused to talk.. And here I will sit

On my rock of thought dying of old age.

Where I will open the air lock of my thoughts and let it rain down in utter chaos.

I could write an essay of the blabbering that it speaks; I will never be what you want me to be.

"You Stagger in front of the Camera clattering; spattering lies about me, and yet you need me,""Stop trying to be Like NF, you are nothing but a failure and you are on his terf, you will never be heard, you will never be concerned by; you will never be current and you will be buried in the earth; far off in the desert, no one is glad of your birth"

What it says is so absurd but I can tell you that it burns; I am in utter alert.. Do I deserve only pain?

Must my ocean of eyes be filled with tears?

Will my words ever reach ears untouched? Will I sit here for years; writing out my pain and all if my fears for none of my peers to see me?

Will all of my prayers go unheard will I sit in the corner of a dusty repair shop awaiting for the pains within me to stop? Will I jump off a flight of stairs take flight only to tumble into utter delight?

Will my worst pain send me hurdling towards my fame?

Will I stand in my garden of hatred only to find self love blooming by the ocean of sorrow? Will morrow come and go? Will I always be this way, will my dreams ever reach Kilimanjaro?  or
will I fade into utter dust?

Will I be encrusted in stardust, will I see the lust of my dreams? Or will they become streams in my eyes as I tear myself apart at the seams. I am just a machine of emotion; Can't you hear my screams?
(Hear my screams)

Where the fck is my self Esteem.

I am drinking gasoline, I don't feel complete, they say I am a master-piece But I just feel like a disease, the thoughts are increasing its like a stampede inside my head! I am a marine..

In my thoughts I am always a soldier silently battling inside my head; But I can't let anyone help me, Fuck that.

But I don't know how to make it better. I go through days in a craze, Along with my self hatred I feel dictated inflated. With what I have created within me.

It only stops when I am asleep, this is my reality since I was thirteen. Its kind of a disbelief that I have been silently bleeding for so long,

 Nobody seems to understand how much I police my own thoughts it is indeed on repeat and I don't think I can ever succeed, but in that naïve deceit, disbelief

I will survive this with glee These thoughts inside
will silence because I will not be a has been,

 I will stand before the ravine of the edge, and I will soar.

Because when I was young, I was told I wouldn't walk, Little did they know; I was born to fly...