The Lies We Told On Thursday Nights

14. Wednesday: Curiosity Kills the Shrink (Emery)

Hey guys! While this chapter is mostly dialogue, it's important! Also, it discusses body image in this chapter, but nothing too graphic, more specifically how other people play a role in people with eating disorders.

(Also, rewrote/edited the previous chapter, so check it out.)

Emery

Wednesday: 4:03

"Hello Emery," Dr. Nableson gracefully placed my file in her, scamming the most recent entries.

I sat there, nearly frozen. I hate these appointments because every time I am urged to tell her my bad habits and how I am not better.

But whenever I get through an appointment without saying anything, there is a sense of accomplishment. Just as much serotonin is released during a fast as after an appointment.

After a good minute, she glanced up at me for the first time. Her judging eyes slowly skimmed my body.

I instinctively curled forward, crossing my arms. I hated when people looked at my fat body, the way they look at me...it's different than other people.

Their eyes widen in fear of my fatness, and then they always whisper behind my back.

I'm not a skeleton yet and still eat a lot, more than all the other "Anorexics" on Instagram accounts.

She finally spoke: "How have you been Emery."

She sounded sincere, to be honest, I like her. And she could help me if I opened up. But that would be opening up to frantic fatness.

So, no offense to her.

"I've been pretty good" I smiled, seemingly gleeful. I had to say something semi-negative though because I doubt she would believe me if I was purely happy.

She smirked slyly "Is that really true?"

"Uh, things have been doing well. I am confused about something though," I admitted.

Levi's complex looks flashed through my mind: his jerkiness, his fury, his sorrow, his frightened, his embarrassed, his tears, and then his eyelids that closed as if he was hoping the world would go away.

"Of course."

"so, there is this boy in my grade, and, well he's always been a real Jerk. Captain of the football team, super rich, and a bit dumb, a stereotypical jock." I explained dismissively, slightly regretting my words.

She rose her eyebrows, probably confused on why I was stereotyping someone else when that was my main pet peeve.

But she didn't say anything.

"Well, I saw him at group last week" I don't know why I suddenly rushed my words.

"The teen mental health support group?" She asked to clarify.

I nodded. "Yes, his name is Levi."

Suddenly her eyes widened, something flashed in her eyes, recognition I believe.

"Do you know him? Is he your patient?" I blurted, stupidly.

Part of me wanted him to be mentally ill, I know that is bad to think, but then I know this all won't be a joke.

She hesitated for a brief moment before gathering her composure.

"No," she said sternly, but then chuckled. "And even if I did, you know I can't tell you."

I blushed embarrassingly "I know. You're right."

"nonetheless, what is your dilemma?"

"The thing is I have no clue if it's a prank, I'm scared he will tell he saw me. But it doesn't matter, he said he's not coming again."

She looked disappointed and proceeded to ask the question I've been struggling with.

"Do you think he has emotional issues?" She asked provisionally.

I responded: "Maybe. I guess it is possible."

I felt uneasy though, I knew if I hadn't been there he would be coming back. The group has helped me, and maybe they can help him.

"Doesn't he have the right then to come" she suddenly became defensive, the protecting defensive, not the rude kind.

"To be honest he does, but neither of us, you know, open up. Everything will be different, I mean I have eating problems-"

"Anorexia," she cut in, trying to emphasize I have a disorder. Because I remain in denial.

I brushed it away, "and that's more..." I hesitated, knowing she would shun me. "Embarrassing than, like ADHD or Anxiety...probably what he has."

She nodded her head, remaining silent. Probably counting the 3 breaths, it scientifically takes for the other person to respond or admit something.

But I kept defiantly.

"But you have already seen each other. Things have already changed. And now they are award and anxiety provoking I presume."

"Yes," I whispered.

"it might be scary" she pretended to understand what it was is like to have both a Mental illness and a reputation to uphold. She didn't understand the shame.

She continued: "But if he goes, won't it cure the anguish curiosity,at least you'll know. And if he does tell others, you will know about him rift. So, you are self-insured, right?"

I hesitated, shrugging "You're right....but I don't know."

"Its okay to be vulnerable," her voice was rather harsh.

I snapped back.

"It's not. And it's definitely not okay to be vulnerable around him."

She seemed shocked at my brutality, he eyes widening. She even sounded offended.

My all too typical instinct kicked in, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just Levi...he's."

I thought it over for a moment debating honesty or sugar coating.

"He's just a bit dense. I know he bullies people and sleeps around, he's...capable of some less the nice things. It's dangerous to tell him my problem, him being so powerful and all."

I tried to speak politically, but he and his friends mocking me rung in my mind.

She seemed sympathetic as if understanding.

"Well, if-" she began.

I hated ifs, especially when they are your life. If I eat this chocolate covered banana, will I get fat? If I don't eat raspberries when I study, will I fail?

"Please," I was getting impatient now. "No more ifs. One thing I know for sure is he said he is not going tomorrow."

She sighed, apparently displeased with all this. "And if you weren't there than would he feel more comfortable to go?"

Guilt hit me, exactly how she planned. She was very right, and I honestly was his main obstacle.

"I-I don't know," I muttered, helplessly.

She cleared her throat, scribbling something in her notebook. "If you do, here are some tips...because I know addressing mental illness is hard."

"Indeed."

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