The Lies We Told On Thursday Nights

46. Friday: Katie (Emery)

Hi!

About this chapter, I probably wrote three different drafts with totally different plots. I wanted to talk about the pro-ana culture and explain the rules on the ward (aka.. Implying the ana tips and tricks anorexics have.) But then I hated the thought of giving you guys ideas.

And then I was going to talk about the pros and cons of life in the ward, but I don't have any specific experience in terms of being in a ward where everyone has an eating disorder. I didn't want to make it sound like a great place to make friends and compete with others, nor did I want to make it so terrifying that if any of you struggle, you'd fear to get help.

Therefore, I settled on something I haven't really brought up often: Katie.

Katie, for those who don't remember, Katie was in the hospital at the same time Levi was, and they became very close. She died right in front of Levi from heart failure due to complications from her eating disorder

Emery

Friday (2 weeks later): 9:30 am

I was having a rather good week. I finally stopped crying myself to sleep every night, I got my tube removed, and I no longer had to be watched and patted down following every meal.

But something was wrong today. Not necessarily bad, just tense and brooding.

Mealtimes were often quiet; every person running calculations in their heads and wallowing in self-pity. Occasionally they were loud, shouting matches between nurses and patients and intense panicked sobbing.

It was quiet as usual today, the girls and boys sitting around the clear table focused too much on their food predicament to talk.

The difference was, the nurses weren't chastising us or hovering. They were in the corner, whispering among themselves.

I couldn't hear anything.

Finally, one of the nurses, Nurse Kelly, approached the table and clapped her hands for attention.

I looked up, dropping my fork like it was a hot rod.

"Some of you may have noticed the boxes in the hall," she preamble. A few people began whispering excitingly. My room was on the east side, meaning I never saw the entrance hall. "We have been supplied new computers."

Everyone sparked with glee, and I did too because that meant I could finally contact everyone.

But Nurse Kelly seemed anything but excited. There was no happiness in her voice, just sorrow.

"By who?" a pre-teen boy asked, there was a level of skepticism in his voice. The boy's name was Joey, along with being bulimic and anorexic he had mild Paranoid personality disorder.

"The family of a previous patient Katie Davidson," Nurse Kelly responded, speaking slowly and cautiously.

I quickly sweeper the room, trying to see any recognition in their faces.

Katie? The name began to pulse as my mind tried to recall who she was. I shut my eyes, knowing that name was important. Behind my eyes, Levi's face formed. He looked angry and sad--a look only he had.

Katie." I blurted, the name tasted bitter. Everyone to suddenly look at me. But I didn't care. I said it like a statement, but I meant it as a question.

Not "who is Katie?" but rather, "Is Levi capable of pure love?"

I suddenly felt like I was solving a puzzle, a thousand-piece puzzle.

I had half the puzzle almost done, 499 pieces linked together.

I needed that one price to figure out Levi's life, figure out what happened to him last summer, and figure out why he never talks about it.

But then I had another 500 scrambled pieces; those were the pieces that would help me understand why he hurt me, why he loved me, why he lied to me, why he hated me, and why he left me.

The nurse responded, "she was a girl who was hospitalized here," she paused, obviously deciding whether telling the complicated truth would be worth it.

And I don't know why, but suddenly I raised my hand like I was back in the classroom.

I didn't wait to be called on, "she was hospitalized in the other ward for depression and stuff, but she came here during the day."

They gawked at me, blinking.

A gorgeous girl looked at me curiously, "I thought you said you weren't hospitalized before? I didn't see you last summer?"

I shook my head and responded swiftly.

"No. I knew.." I choked, cursing internally. "know someone who was hospitalized at the same time she was."

Part of me wanted them to ask who I wanted to tell them about the boy I loved and hated — the boy who ended my social life but gave me sparks of inspiration that burned.

"Was it a guy?" the girl inquired.

I nodded.

She tapped her thin thoughtfully, "Was it, Henry? Or that guy she really liked: Levi?"

"Levi," I said my voice a cracky whisper.

The girl's eyes shone, and she whistled like catcalling. "God, he loved her. And while Katie always seemed out-going and happy-go-lucky, when she spoke about him. I think she liked him too."

Love?

"Oh," was all I managed, not sure what to say. I don't know what there was to say.

"Katie said he was hot. And sweet," the girl described, gesturing vaguely in the air. I thought she was done talking, but she began to speak again. "And, according to her, he was an 'enigma of beauty, tragedy, and love.' Many people don't know, but Kate was quite a poet."

Enigma? That was the perfect way to describe Levi. Complicated and frustrating and intriguing and hidden.

As she talked about Katie, a question burned in my mouth--forcing it's way out like purging after a meal.

I knew the question was terrible...but it needed to be done.

"Why did he love her?" I spoke clearly, annunciating every word. "Because she was broken and weak? Because he needed to feel something?"

A confused silence fell over the crowd. The only noises were lips smacking together thoughtfully and shallow sighs.

The girl studied me as if I were a cake. Observing the density of my frosting emotions, determining the flavor of my soul. But she didn't say anything.

I could feel my heart beating in my chest and blood pulsing through my veins. I felt faint and disoriented...but not from physical hunger but overwhelming insanity.

"I don't know, Emery," the girl replied, but there was something in her tone. Something that caused my heart to palpitate: pity. She pitied me.

I stayed silent, not just for that meal but for the rest of the day.

I lay in bed, pretending to sleep through snack time. I felt numb.

Despite what Dr.Lee suggested, I no longer wanted to get better to see Levi again. I didn't want to live through the pain of him not loving me.

But maybe he does love you? A small, meek voice said in the back of my head.

I have lost all control over my life. I've lost control of my food, my freedom, my schooling, my emotions, and I've lost control of everything I used to be.

I wanted control. Did I want to know if Levi really loved me or if I just reminded him of Katie? Or he was desperate? If I know the truth, I could control my emotions and control my freedom.

But did I love him? After everything he did to me, could I ever forgive him?

I wondered what hurt me most: him humiliating me or him attempting to kill himself?

Everything hurt.

Thanks everyone!