Would it be so bad as long as my eyes were open?
You wake up after a long night of struggling to fall asleep. Your alarm's blaring in your ear and you halfheartedly reach your arm up to turn it off. Unless you don't have an alarm and rely on yourself. Or if you just don't sleep at all due to the terrible thoughts that were rushing through your head all night, the overthinking, the anxiety that something is going to happen if you fall asleep. You're laying in bed, not at all motivated to get up and start moving.
Depression is sitting alone in the corner, crying, because you hate yourself, so much, with no specific reason.
Depression is feeling overwhelmed and sad for no reason at all.
It's waking up not wanting to move or leave your bed.
It's not showering for days or weeks.
It's not brushing hair or teeth for days or weeks.
When you get up the next day, to go to school or to work, you put a mask on. The mask that hides the truth. The mask that hides your mind's screams to be let out and heard. But you can't let that out, it will only turn people against you. Sure, some people might care but then anxiety comes through, but that's a story for another time.
I hate depression. Who doesn't? I mean those who don't understand what living with depression is like obviously. Why does it feel the need to make my life miserable? Why do you make me feel worthless? Why? You completely destroyed my happiness. Just because I don't see you, doesn't mean I don't feel you. I wish you would leave but you're constantly there. You aren't worth it. You're always there, gnawing away at my mind, creeping into my thoughts.
Worthless
Useless
Stupid
Fat
Good for nothing
Unlovable
Disgusting
Ugly
Scars
Fake
Please stop ruining my life. I'm getting sick of it, and I don't think I can take it anymore.
Depression is walking into school with a smile on your face. Depression is people asking if you're okay and you nodding when you know it's not. You hold back tears, begging yourself not to open up. Knowing that if you open up again, they're going to judge you and leave.
"I'm never going to leave you" They say.
"I'll always be here"
That's what you say, until you turn away and walk out of my life, forever.
2018
YOU ARE READING
In Order to Stay Alive, I Think I Have to Kill My Mind
Non-FictionTRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ This is your trigger warning. Please do not read any further if you are easily triggered. I began writing this book in 2018 when I was at one of the worst times in my life. I am still writing it in 2020, and am hoping to write i...
