In Order to Stay Alive, I Think I Have to Kill My Mind

The Harsh Reality of Toxic Relationships and (Random Life Stories)

I am only 16 but I have been in love. I'm still in love with the two people who broke my heart. I know it sounds stupid because i'm 16 and i'm "too young to know what love is".

But sometimes you just k n o w.

Hell, you a l w a y s know.
I remember the first time I fell in love with him.

He was listening to a joke one of his stupid friends said and the way his lips curled into a smile, the chuckle released from his mouth, that's when i knew. I don't know how or why but I just did.

I fell for the way he treated me.
With care, kindness. But after the first few months, he'd become arrogant.
How could i be in love with someone who treated me like this?

He constantly put me down, made jokes about my body, just something you weren't supposed to do in a relationship.

But he'd apologise, and i'd fall for the act.

I would tell him I'm having a bad day, or somethings on my mind, and he'd turn around and tell me it was invalid, or he'd turn it into a "HIM" problem. He'd shut me down, and start talking about his own troubles. I understand that, yes, maybe he was trying to relate, be empathetic, but no, he didn't care. He'd shut me down and basically say, no you don't have problems, you should listen to mine, mine are worse.

Maybe they were, but it still hurt. I hated it. All my friends told me to leave him, but it wasn't that simple. I didn't see it. I only saw the good. I have a habit of trying to fix others or caring too much when i'm struggling.

I just admit though, he was not in a good state of mind. Every time i tried to break up with him, he'd threaten self harm or suicide. He'd constantly put himself down. The scars on his back, were so deep. He'd use anything. His father would abuse him, his sister/brother would have sex with their partners in his room. I told him numerous times he needed help, but he couldn't. He was afraid. You can't help those who don't want to be helped. Although, my parents forced me into therapy and i hated it.

He was cute. I'd compliment him, but he was always so flirty and would put pressure on me.
Then in November 2016, he broke up with me over text by calling me a heartless bitch.

In January/February 2017, he was in a new relationship. I despised this new girl. She was a psycho. She'd jump up on his waist, look at me, and kiss him in front of me just to see how annoyed it made me. I should've been over it, but no I was still in love with this boy. They were together for a long time. He told me he broke up with her, and rekindled our relationship. She had no idea. He pressured me to send nudes, for hours on end. I finally gave in. I loved the way his compliments made me feel. Then he told his girlfriend that I was the one who started the whole thing. When she found out the truth, that he was the one, we became friends. we were in the same history class. I feared her. I thought she hated me. Then one day she sat next to me and we started talking. It led to a relationship, and pretty soon i was in love. I fall for people so easily. I get attached.

I feel like i'm missing out on details. I probably am, because it's all kind of a blur now. Anyways, stuff happened and we broke up. She got back with Mr. Douchebag 100 and they lived happily ever after. NOT. In September, they broke up and she thought i was the reason. she attacked me. They were well broken up by then, but she still thought i was trying to take him.
He messaged me first and was the one who went and told her a bunch of crap, causing her to hate me.

I was in the library at school one time with my so called "best friend".
I knew this psycho was planning to attack me, i just didn't know when. I was so afraid. Anyways, this girl hadn't been at school for a couple weeks and i thought i was in the clear. But she came back and i saw her charging at me. She gripped my shirt and pushed me up against the bookshelf. I screamed at my "best friend" to get a teacher or something but she stood there and did nothing, who knows why, could've been shock, who knows. This girl then had the audacity to drag me down to the floor by my hair. She dragged me a bout a metre and then laid me on all fours. I couldn't do anything. This psycho had a grip on me. She was slapping me, grabbing my hair, kicking me, screaming at me, punching me in the face, in the back, in the temples. Finally i got up, and by this point people were laughing. Fuckin idiots.
Anyways, i stood up and she screamed "I hate you."
I cried back "why? i did nothing to you"
Out of shock, i began crying, and i wasn't in any pain or anything.
All she got was a detention and a day of suspension. I was so afraid.

Long story short, I get really really attached and I get so jealous. I don't know why, i just get so jealous.

Loving you, LJ