In Order to Stay Alive, I Think I Have to Kill My Mind

The Harsh Reality of Self Harm *TRIGGER WARNING*

Listen to Trees by Twenty One Pilots for this chapter.

Self harm. The way to release your pain. Funny seeing as self harming gives you pain.

But you enjoy the pain don't you?

The way the blade glides against your skin?

The warm trickle of blood dripping down your arm? 

The dried blood and grazed skin from where you punched the wall earlier.

The ringing in your head after you banged your head on the wall.

The way the flame burns through your skin, the excruciating pain as it burns.

Scratching your hand or your leg until it bleeds without even realising, only to have it sting as you forget when sanitizing your hands or when you finally snap back to reality.

The pain of when you pull that one hair out and it stings after that one spot you pulled from.

There are so many ways to hurt yourself. So many.

There's also so many feelings that come along with it.

Regret, fear, euphoria, joy, sadness. Self harm does not mean someone wants to die. They want to lessen the pain.

When your parents or your friends find out, you suspect they'll support you. There's lots of thoughts rushing through their head if they find out though.

Sadness, anger.

I know when my parents found out because a school counselor had told them, I was afraid to go home and face what was waiting for me. My mother broke down in tears asking why I would do this to myself. My father was disappointed and said I had no reason to do it.

My life was good.

My dad became aggressive towards me every time he found that I'd self harmed. He'd grab me by the wrist and push his fingers into them. If i'd self harmed on my legs. he'd slap them.

I was so hurt and angry, that it caused me to fall into a deeper depression.

My friends found out, some laughed and made fun of me. Some supported me. Some made me a promise to never do it again or they'd stop talking to me. That was a promise I couldn't keep, so they left.

The counselor regularly checked on me, weekly, to two days a week. I was sick of it. I hated the teacher that reported me. I slowly forgave her but continued to self harm in places she couldn't see. My mum monitored me though. She'd sit in the bathroom while I showered so she made sure i hadn't cut myself while I was in there.

I was hospitalised at least four times throughout one year due to the damage my self harm had caused.

I remember the first time I ever did it. I was sitting in class and my hands reached to my scissors. I cut around 40 cuts on the front of my hand. I went to the front of the class and grabbed a paper towel without anybody even realising or caring about what I had done.

What I think people need to realise though is that not only girls or women struggle with depression and self harm and eating disorders. Boys and men also struggle but because they need to "toughen up" or be "like a man" they're silenced. They're not taken seriously and I wish people would. I read an article the other day where the statistics of suicide for men were higher than women. That is terrifying and shocking because they have been so belittled that they feel like they can't come forward and express themselves.

If you have a friend or someone you know, no matter how much you don't like them or are fighting, and you know they're struggling with self harm, PLEASE speak up. Before it's too late.

They need to know they are loved and that they are not alone. Please do not tell them they are doing it for attention. It is the complete opposite. There are many factors.

Have hope. It may not seem like it will get better but it will. I didn't self harm for a year but I relapsed again a few months ago.

But that's okay, because relapse is a part of recovery.

I'm working on bettering myself though and as someone who struggles with this, it's great to find alternatives such as drawing, music or whatever makes you happy.

Stay Alive.