In Order to Stay Alive, I Think I Have to Kill My Mind

Fuck You, and You, and You Too.

Do you ever just wake up and know its going to be a bad day? You just wanna lie in bed and cry, die? That's how I feel right now and for all the past week. I should be dead. All the shit people promised me and never kept is a memory. I can't think straight, I don't even know anymore. Reality is suffocating and everyone expects me to be happy but I'm fucking depressed. I want to cry but the tears won't come out. I'm so sick of the shit and drama, the fake friends. I just someone who actually likes me and wants to talk to me and wants to be around me. I'm so alone.

I can't breathe.

I love someone and they don't love me back, do you know how that feels? Fuck it. Why not just end it all now? It doesn't matter. Technically, if I killed myself, the problem would be gone. Being honest, I hate being alive and I can't stand it. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm so fucking useless, I'm a failure. I can't even do anything right. Don't tell me that people love me, care about me because it's all a bunch of bullshit. I'm so alone and no one even cares. Don't tell me I'm selfish for wanting to die, that it's just "passing the pain onto someone else" because I know that. But i cannot control my depression. "It's just cause you're on your phone all the time" What a bunch of bullshit that is. You don't think I know that it's passing the pain onto someone else? I don't want to feel this way. I hate it. Who the fuck do you think you are trying to guilt trip me into my feelings, making me feel worse? I fucking know so fuck you.

Do you know how pathetic I feel for going two months, maybe even longer without cutting, and then I relapse. You don't even understand the pain that I must be going through to bring a blade to my skin and cut it open. It sucks, and I wish I didn't feel this way. Cutting is just another way to hurt myself and actually feel something other than feeling numb. I just want to feel something. Why can't you understand that?

Before you go complaining that I'm just "writing for attention" or "need help", I have help but this is also a way to just let it out online, rather than to my parents or teachers because sometimes having a stranger there is better company than the people who love you. I know that sounds cliche, but it's honest.