혼자 》Poetry

-=Not Good Enough=-

I keep preaching to work hard and follow your dreams,
yet my mindset has been the complete opposite lately.
I'm sitting around in idleness, achieving absolutely nothing,
thinking to myself, what's happening to me?
It's like I'm purposely choosing to trap myself in this cage
and if I fail?
I'll only have myself to blame,
I can't bring myself to do anything when I'm in this state,
And when I read comments on how I've inspired people,
I feel so fake.
I've gotten used to this feeling, I've become comfortable,
I've lost count of the days,
It's all become one long stream of consciousness
where everyday feels the same.
No routine, no stability - lately, there hasn't even been a plan A.
Just sleeping, doing nothing and wasting the time away.
I've become the person I hate.
Feeling all sense of hopelessness,
constantly making the same mistakes again, and again, and again.

I've lost all sense of purpose,
I'm finding it tough to get myself up and face a camera screen.
I keep distracting myself from actually dealing with the problem - classic me!
Never quite been the best at taking responsibility.
I'd rather waste my days doing nothing
then spend my nights awake, feeling painfully guilty.

You have to keep mentally telling yourself that you're worth it,
but every now and again you get tired.
Your mind goes blank, you lose ambition,
and it becomes harder and harder to feel inspired,
I guess I could just put the camera on and pretend like everything's fine,
but truth is, I've never really been a good liar.

So instead I hide away from the world - ashamed to show people my face.
beat myself up over the fact that I've literally achieved nothing these past couple of days.
I wish I can wake up and just switch from this phase
become motivated overnight and start to create.
It's so frustrating when my mind doesn't seem to want to work that way,
I've become so negative and I'm tired of it,
The only way out is forcing myself to change.

The problem isn't the work,
It's me,
I'm constantly cutting myself short, underestimating my own ability
I have literally become my worst enemy.
Yet I'm still not doing anything about it cos I'm too scared to compete,
Cos deep down I feel like this is all way too big for me.
Yet if I don't do anything about it I will eventually fall back,
And once you're off the path it will be ten times harder to get back on track,
and I know that,
Yet here I am literally destroying myself,
and when I do inevitably hit rock bottom,
I'll only have myself to thank.