혼자 》Poetry

-=Living With Depression=-

Sometimes I wake up and I don't feel great,
I feel insecure and worthless, and I can't bring myself to put on a brave face,
and act like everything's okay,
Cos i'm not okay,
I have this deep, dark, sinking feeling that I know,
I'm going to have to live with for the next few days,
All the hard work you put into building and loving yourself - so quickly replaced,
by self loathing, bitter, hate.
Why does my brain have to work this way?
I so badly wish it would go away,
so I distract myself by laying in bed and watching pointless videos all day,
But soon enough reality catches up with me,
the guilt kicks in and I'm left with overwhelming shame,
I struggle to live with myself knowing that my whole entire day just went to waste.
and I repeat this downward cycle again and again and again.

I know it's just a phase,
and that I'll have better days,
but right now I'm struggling,
and it doesn't feel like it's gonna change.
at least not anytime soon,
And I'm confused,
as to why I get these sudden drops in my mood,
I don't know what to do,
to fix these everyday blues?
all I know is that it consumes,
every inch of me,
my mind, soul, body,
I just need a quick release,
something to set me free,
from this heartache and misery.
But right now all I can do is live with it and
feel everything there is to feel,
no matter how much it hurts and destroys me,
I know that it's through feeling pain that we can finally heal.

But sometimes I feel like I just want a break,
I don't want to go outside and deal with people or put a camera to my face,
I want to hide, I want to be invisible, I want to escape,
go anywhere, anywhere but this place.
somewhere far far away
where no one knows my name.

But the reality is it doesn't matter where I go cos the problem isn't where I am.
it's my brain,
sometimes it becomes too much and it feels like it's filled with an overwhelming amount of hate
and I don't feel strong enough to deal with everything it has to say,
the way it makes me feel and think,
It drives me insane.

And I get tired of fighting it,
it's exhausting trying to be positive all the time,
It's like fighting an endless battle that's becoming harder and harder,
and to say I can deal with it, is a lie.
Sometimes I don't feel strong enough
It's like no matter how much I push myself, how much I do the right things
my mind is always going to win,
and I fear that one day I'm going succumb to it and I'm going to give in
I'm going to surrender to the pain and just exist.

When you feel so low you start to think so negatively,
you base your self worth down to likes, and views
and it's just not healthy,
you're falling down this downward spiral,
where you can read all the nice things in the world and still feel incredibly empty,
You start to think so little about yourself
that you genuinely believe that no one will care about you if you were to leave.
and it's such a sad reality,
cos I know that this person, who I am, is not me.

It just sucks cos I felt like I was doing so good,
I was just starting to feel like I had everything under control
and now I'm back to square one, starting at rock bottom, learning again how to crawl.
And I can't help but think, that it's gonna happen again, it's only a matter of time,
till I next fall.