혼자 》Poetry

-=Depression=-

It's not that I don't want to be happy it's despite my best efforts I can't bring myself to be happy.

I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed, Why did I have to be this way. I have a great family, amazing friends, good academic results - on paper everything is okay Yet all I see is sadness and grey.

It's like there's this burden on you pulling you to the ground
and however hard you try you can't bring yourself out You can't bring yourself to care - about anything - not me, not him, not her
living has become the constant nightmare and it's just not fair.

Society will tell you to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation.
It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, - my relationships, my work, my education.
And even to this day despite my best efforts to explain -
I am met with blind hesitation

they ask me why are you always sad, I tell them I don't know...I don't know
What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit - and that that's become the norm.
I'm afraid of the outside world, afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something that I cannot control
Where's the fairness of it all?
Do you think I enjoy to watch myself fall?
into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe
so I just hide and put up a wall
that's so high, that you will never see my pain or any of my flaws - I create this character and she is perfect, she's invincible.

And so I live these two different lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night
Cos that's easier than admitting you have a problem - and that's the problem.
The stigma is real people
And it will not go away until we realise that mental health IS a big deal.
It's a hidden disease that's affecting many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries
It's the kid who never spoke or the guy who's alway tired,
The lady who's too emotional or that man who just got fired
cos he was absent a lot - he couldn't get out of bed due to his mental health
but do you think any of his colleagues knew that - course not

Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily.