혼자 》Poetry

-=Existential Crisis=-

I spend most of my time avoiding people,
more specifically avoiding the questions they will inevitably ask,
like what are your plans for the future, have you got a job yet, where do you see yourself 10 years time,
I wish I could answer them, come up with something grand and impressive, but I can't.

So instead I just sit in my room all day, hide away from the world, crippled with self doubt
wonder how much longer I can get away with saying that 'I'm just figuring it all out'
because eventually people will get tired of hearing that, and they'll come hitting at me much harder telling me that I don't have the time, I'm wasting away my future and that if I want to get anywhere in life - then I need to make the decision now.
Everything has to be decided now.

But the thing is i'm not ready now
and the thought of making a forced decision that i'll regret my entire life absolutely terrifies me
It's as if as soon as you hit your twenties you become overwhelmed by everything
everything you've been taught, the people around you, the pressure from society
you start to over analyze everything
And suddenly it hits you,
unbearable crippling anxiety
you find yourself staying up awake at night, the uncertainty of your future haunts you in your sleep
The pressure keeps growing and growing, it becomes difficult to breathe.
You hide yourself away, too ashamed to speak
because you don't know what your doing with your life,
and you're to scared to face reality.

Reality these days are filled with restrictions,
limitations, set criteria,
It's like i'm forever facing this big black wall, living in this constant state of fear
the fear that everyone else will move on with their life, go on to do great amazing things, whilst you're just left behind - you're just here
sat in this empty room, feeling like such a pathetic failure
It's been months, I told myself I would've figured things out by now, but things are not getting clearer
It's been months now, I thought i'd be a lot happier.

It's as if once you hit your twenties everything changes,
You can no longer enjoy yourself because what once made you happy, now makes you feel guilty,
every waking day is a reminder that you're taking time away from the person you should be
i.e a contributing member of society - basically earning a respectable amount of money
People keep telling me what to do - apply here, enter this program, sign up for this
It's all too much, just back off, please just let me breathe
You're expectations and pressures are suffocating
I know that's it's my future and that i'm running out of time - but please try to understand -
I'm just not ready
I worry I never will be.

It's funny how everyone seems to know what I want in life - everyone except me.