혼자 》Poetry

-=It's okay to not be okay=-

Life gets hard sometimes
There are days where I wake up and I don't like what I see,
and it's not cos I think i'm fat or ugly it's more than that
it's as if I don't even like being me
I get so frustrated with myself that I take it out on others
and then when I think about what i've done, I feel so guilty
because I know deep down that that person isn't me
I look at how i've been living life lately and I haven't accomplished any of the things i've wanted, all I seem to do these days is work and sleep, the same exact thing every single week
I try to be positive and keep it together,
but man I am struggling
it just feels so hard to be happy lately
I mean I haven't uploaded as many videos because I just don't have the time,
and when I do I feel so tired and exhausted cos i've been working crazy shifts every night
and I worry soon enough i'll lose confidence and give up completely
settle for something average and become the person I never wanted to be
Even as i'm saying this all I keep thinking is god I sound so depressing
and soon enough people will get bored and eventually you'll leave
and so I have to force every bit of my energy in to be super enthusiastic and happy
when that is so far from the reality.

The other night I came home from work and I just completely broke down - just crying by myself alone at 6am
but I woke up the next day and carried on living life as if everything was fine
in the denial that if I keep repressing these thoughts, somehow it'll get easier in time
It won't.
It's sad cos all people see is what I show them on the outside, they have no idea about all the hurt and pain I hide
how I cried myself to sleep last night or the fact that i've been avoiding skyping my best friend,
cos I don't want to show her this side
the side where I just can't keep it together and the most fucked up part
is that I have no idea why?
I feel both overwhelmed and empty all at the same time.

See where I live people don't go on to do great things, they stay in the same place they grew up
and have kids,
and then they grow up and do the exact same thing,
it's just an endless cycle and before you know it you're tied down with commitments and responsibilities.
No one around here makes their dreams a reality, they just sit on it and come up with a million excuses,
how life isn't fair or how they were never given the opportunity.
You think that maybe your dreams are just that - they're just dreams.
But it's in that moment, when you're most down that you need to keep on going.

I know it sound cliche, but I think sometimes we need to be reminded that
It's okay not to be okay
Our biggest problem as a society is that we just don't communicate
We'd rather pretend everything's fine and suffer silently
Come home after a tough day and break down when no one else is looking
we don't even think about it anymore, it's just become part of our daily routine
shut out the deepest parts of ourselves and put on our bravest faces
It's the sad reality of modern society.

If you're going through a tough time right now and your putting all of your energy into just getting through another day,
just know I think you are incredibly brave cos I know how hard that shit is
we'll be okay, in fact we'll be fucking great
and one day we'll look back on this time and be so proud of ourselves
Thinking that we're glad we went through the tough times cos it made us the person we are today.