Affection | N.H

Chapter 31

("People cry not because they are weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."-Johnny Depp)

Next morning, I open my eyes to find an empty spot beside me on the bed. I shift slowly on the huge bed and look around to find Niall. Groaning to myself, I get to my feet and walk around his house to search for him. He is no where to be found. My stare suddenly falls on the paper tucked away under a plate on the table. I pull it out and read through it.

"I will be back by 3pm hopefully. Had some urgent work to do. Feel free to make any meal for yourself. My laptop is on the bedside table. Watch a movie if you get bored. -Niall."

The wall clock above my head says it's 10am in the morning. I slept really well last night. Maybe because I had Niall's warmth. This is us. We get from yelling at each other in the parking lot to comforting each other on the same bed.

Of course I will not eat breakfast. I avoid meals whenever I can. So I dry away all the dishes in the kitchen and do some cleaning of Niall's house. Surprisingly he actually keeps his house much cleaner now. I had to put some clothes in the laundry, and that's it. Afterwards I clean my mouth with a mouth wash as I don't have my own brush at Niall's house and freshen up by splashing some water on my face. I need a shower but I don't have new clothes and I am not wearing Niall's clothes. As much as I love wearing his clothes, I feel like it annoys him. It's 12:15pm by the time I have nothing to do.

I turn on Niall's laptop. I haven't been on the social media sites for ages. I wonder what people on Facebook are doing? I wonder what is happening on twitter? I used to be addicted to those sites but as I grew up, I slowly lost my interest in them. Today, as I had absolutely nothing to do, and I don't like watching movies on my own, I log into my Facebook account. I think the last time I accessed this site was before I came to Melbourne. I check through couple of my messages from Amber and Kristen and start scrolling through my newsfeed.

Soon, I start regretting my decision about checking my Facebook page. I stare at every picture of my friends who are girls. They look so perfect in all those pictures. They look flawless.

I come across with one of my friend's picture where she has captured her flat stomach, with the caption, "Very confident about my body as always!"

I gulp back a lump and stop at a picture of one of my other friends where she is wearing a bikini at the beach. "Everything is beautiful like me!"

I blink back my tears as I spot another picture where my friend is standing in front of the mirror. The caption is, "My thigh gap though."

Those weren't the only pictures. Afterwards I go through a lot of pictures which make me feel like crap. Every other girl on this planet is beautiful, good looking and has a perfect body except me.

I shut the laptop lid and fall back on the bed. I burry my head into the pillow and cry loudly. It has been such a long time since I cried with my heart out. I let out screams and sobs and continue crying into the pillow. Why did I have to be so ugly? I stand on my feet and limp to the huge mirror that Niall has in his bedroom. My reflection stares back at me. My eyes are red and swollen. My sweats are not good enough to hide the countless scars on my wrists. My hair, it's so bad and unruly. My face, what should I say about my face? There is so much wrong with it. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I observe my face. I look disgusting and even uglier when I cry unlike those other girls who seem to become more beautiful when they cry. My body...there is not a thing about my body that I am happy with. I am filled with imperfections. I have wide hips, I don't have a good thigh gap and my stomach is not even flat. I cannot keep staring at my reflection anymore. I just cannot.

I rush to Niall's bathroom and rake my eyes around searching for my relief equipment. At last, I spot a packet of razors above the small cupboard. I take one out and sit on the covered toilet seat. I pull my sweat shirt above my head and throw it on the floor. I pull down my sweat pants and throw them away from me. I am left in my underwear and plain laced bra. Without further due, I dig the blade into the skin of my arms. One cut. You're ugly.