Affection | N.H

Chapter 41

("How to Self Harm:

1. Pick up whatever you are going to use.

2. Evaluate. Explain to yourself why you want to do it. Why you feel the way that you do and why you want to keep hurting yourself.

3. Put down whatever you were about to use or take. And think. Remember that you are so much better than that. Remember that shit always happens and that it's not your goddamn fault. Remember how beautiful you are than those half naked girls on social media who just want attention. Remember you were brought to this earth for a reason.

4. Don't ever think about those thoughts again. Leave them, store them away at the corner of your beautiful heart. Remember how much of a good person you are and never forget that things will get better. Not in an instant, but eventually. Trust me.

5. Exit the room, with a smile on your face. You are a warrior and you know you can keep fighting.")

"So, how was your report card last term?" My Mum asks as she takes a sip of her tea. She has been acting too kind and her nice and normal attitude towards me is scaring me to death.

"I got 4 A's and 1 B." I mumble and shift quietly on my spot beside her on the vacuumed sofa.

"Did you just say you got a B?" My mother laughs a little in disbelief and takes another sip. I knew this was coming. This has always happened. The difference is that for 4 years, I was away from my family, my mother and from these taunts.

"Yes, I tried my best. However, I will try harder next time, I promise." I tell her, not daring to make eye contact. 
..
It was my 13th birthday. I was very happy because I got my first report card at high school. Moreover, I got 6 A's and 1 B! How cool is that? I was sure my parents will be proud of me. For some reason, I was proven wrong.

"Mum! I am home!" I shouted in a very happy tone and kicked the front door closed.

"Stop yelling! And how many times have I asked you not to shut the doors so harshly? You will not be the one paying if it falls out of its hinges!" My mother yells and walks out of the kitchen towards me.

I was young and innocent. I didn't care that she yelled at me because I was too happy. "But Mum I got my report card today and I did great! My teachers were so happy with me! I got so many lollies at school as well!" I told my Mum happily. You share these stuff with your Mum right? And yes, I wasn't a typical teenager who has an attitude. I always thought that I could act anyway I want when I am around my family.

"Let's see?" She said and took the white folder from my hands. I was happily looking up at her face, expecting a smile to form on her lips. It didn't come. She raked her eyes through the papers and slid it back into the white folder. She didn't have any emotion on her face but disappointment.

"Mum? Aren't you happy?" I asked her as the smile left my face.

"You see Tarisha Indie Kraft, you are expected to do much, much better than this," My Mum said throwing away the folder on the couch. "B's are not acceptable in this house. B's mean failure. You have to strive for your best-"

"I do try my best-" I defend but get interrupted by my mother.

"No you don't! Now stop arguing and go to your room." She said pointing to the stairs.

I couldn't disrespect her order. I started taking steps towards the stairs. I pulled my bag over my shoulder and gulped back a lump that formed in my throat. "And Tarisha. The little party that you convinced your father and I about for your birthday tonight, will be cancelled." She said very normally and as if she didn't feel sorry for breaking my heart, my happiness just in a click. I stared at her but not in disbelief, because I know my parents. I have been seeing them like this since I was born. "So don't even bother getting ready. As for your friends, I will call them up and tell them you fell sick." She brings her perfectly straightened hair on one shoulder and walks off towards the kitchen, swinging her hips side to side. 
..
All those memories that I stored away in my past are coming back. It will come back altogether like a dark storm one day if I continue staying with my mother. Each chapter of my past is reopening slowly and tearing me eventually.