Affection | N.H

Chapter 35

("Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with asssholes." -William Gibson)

I turn on my side and flutter my eyes open to find Niall asleep on the spot beside me. He is sleeping peacefully and that frown is still visible on his forehead. He looks so much better with his smile on.

What did he want to talk to me about? Do I want to know? I don't want him to tell me that he hates my company. I know we are not dating and I hate the thing we have between us. I wish we could give our relationship a name instead of calling it just a thing. The word is so weak and it can tumble over any moment. Why doesn't he understand how much I like him? I know his past has given him scars but why can't he give himself one more chance?

As if you have the guts to give yourself one more chance? My subconscious reminds me.

Niall slides his arm around my body and pulls me closer to his chest in his sleep. Once again I am awarded with the sound of his beautiful heartbeat. I wish he would tell me everything that has ever happened to him in his life.

Life, what is it? According to science it is the existence of an individual. Is it still called life when the individual dies inside everyday? I don't reckon it is. Since that morning 5 years ago, my life took another turn. Caitlin gave me a new life. She took care of all my expenses, why you ask? I don't know the answer myself. I don't even know how I reached her apartment that day. I just remember opening my eyes to find Caitlin looking down at me with concern filled blue eyes.

Now that same Caitlin threw me out of my mother's house because she doesn't like the idea of me having a boyfriend, when I don't have one. I met Amy and Amber through Caitlin and I thought I got friends at last. I was so wrong. The way I found Amy and Niall at a random apartment just shouting at each other, it was bizarre. I always thought Amy was my elder sister and respected her in such a way too but she turned me down by creating this suspicion inside me.

Nothing has happened between Amber and I because she was the only one closest to my age. We understood each other well. Amber poured her heart to me everytime something would happen but I don't know why I could never sense the trust towards her or anyone. I would want to tell her so much but my mouth would zip itself.

Highschool was crap for me. The only friend I had was Kristen and she could never consider me as her own and neither could I.

I feel so jelous of all those people who have a best friend. I feel jelous of the people who are successful in expressing their feeligs to someone. I feel jelous of all the people who have individuals to care for them.

I shift very gently under his arms to look up at him. He is breathing heavily and his warm breath against my skin is sending tingles down my spine. I love him. I wish he could read my eyes. I wish he could read my mind and tell me he feels the same about me. I can't resist this innocent face. Without even realizing, my finger rises and I poke his cheek gently. He shivers under my touch and opens his eyes slowly. A small smile creeps onto his lips and he positions himself to bury his head in my neck. His hair tickles my skin and I let out a small laugh.

Niall smiles against my skin and pulls me closer to him. "Good morning." he says, his eyes still shut against my neck.

I slide my hand into his hair and tug at the roots gently. "Good morning."

"Mhm. Keep doing that." he says in the most beautiful voice and accent in the world.

I continue my gesture. "You wanted to talk to me?"

Niall's eye lashes move on my skin and he pulls back from my arms. "Why are you this Tarisha today?" Niall asks rather seriously. That cheeky grin is gone and is replaced by quietness.