.+*psycho*+. || B.B.S

anxiety

it's been a couple of days since my run in with racc, and my anxiety over it has been getting worse and worse.

this was a common thing to happen to me when i was around him. it stopped once i ran away from him for good. well, at least i thought i did.

i've been having anxiety tics all day, but nobody seemed to really notice. they were small things like pulling at the hem of my shirt or tapping my foot rapidly.

most of the time when my anxiety gets really bad, it'll happen when i'm by myself. today just didn't seem to be that day.

i was hanging out in the living room with bordie, delirious, fitz, and zuckles when my anxiety started up again. i started to bite the skin from my bottom lip and clench my fists.

my fingernails started to dig into my palms, but i didn't seem to notice until i felt blood start to seep out.

i opened my hands to see both of them pour out a pool of blood. i didn't notice how deep i had dug my nails.

mason seemed to notice it and immediately got up from his seat across the room and ran over to me, panic clear in his face.

"what the fuck did you do y/n? someone go grab a first aid kit now." he yells to the others.

delirious runs to the closet, a bit confused as to why mason would need a med kit, until he walked over to me to see my bloodied hands.

bordie and fitz rushed over to see what the commotion was about, instantly having a look of panic set into their face to match mason's.

mason pulled my hand towards him but i ripped it away. i didn't want any help.

"y/n, please stop being stubborn and let me help you." he says, reaching for my hand again. this time i push him away, smearing some of my blood onto his shirt.

"don't touch me. i'm fine." i say as i start to get up, only for mason to drag me back down onto the couch forcefully.

"listen to me y/n. i know this is because of racc and it's your anxiety. this used to happen all the time with you when you two were together. i know how painful it was to see him, but please let me help you. i don't like seeing you like this." he says, nodding to my hands, practically begging me to let him see them.

i slowly pulled them out from behind my back and gave it to him. he gave me a warm smile as he cleaned off my hands and wrapped them up.

after finishing he went upstairs to change his shirt that i ruined.

mason had always been like this with me. he was practically my best friend, always looking out for me. it's been like that eve since i first met him and the rest of the GBG. we all met when we were little, causing us all to grow up together.

when mason came back downstairs he had a trail of the rest of the team behind him, everyone practically tripping over one another to get to me.

i'm guessing he told them what had happened. thanks a lot mason.

bee was the first to get to me. she had also been one of my best friends, along with mason.

bee pulled my hands to her and held them. i winced as she held them a little too hard.

"why didn't you tell me that this was happening again? i could've helped you, just like i did last time." she says, forcing me to look her in the eyes.

i felt tears start to form but i forced them back down. i wasn't going to cry in front of everyone.

"wait, what do you mean by 'again?' this has happened before?" vanoss says, giving me a look of concern.

me and the rest of the GBG exchange glances with one another. they were the only ones who know what happened between me and racc, and it was supposed to stay that way. i've already dug a hole too deep, guess i better spill.

i lean back onto the couch, bee and mason both coming to sit next to me. they knew that this was a touchy subject.

"i'm gonna guess you'll want to know my life story now. well, in case you didn't know, i practically grew up with bordie, bee, mason, fitz, toby, swagger, kryoz, jaren, and racc. i told them all everything. the troubles with my parents, my anxiety, my insecurities, everything. after the death of my parents when i was 9, i was torn. i didn't want to talk to anybody anymore. i didn't want to end up in a foster home with people i didn't know. so, racc offered me to live with him. fast forward a couple of years with me living with racc, i decided i wanted to become more, to be apart of something. that's when i joined the elites. after joining them i never really had much time to hang out with the others. we all started to drift apart, and it stayed like that for 3 whole years until i was 15, my failed murder attempt."

"after fleeing from the elites, i didn't know where to go. so i decided to go to racc's since that's technically where i lived beforehand. to sum this part all up, racc was happy to see me and so were the others. we fixed the bonds that we lost and we were all sunshine and rainbows again. until when i was around 16 and me and racc started catching feelings for one another. sooner or later we ended up dating, but it was toxic. at the time i didn't see it, but the others did and i was so stupid not to listen to them."

"he'd tell me all these things about my parents that i knew weren't true. he'd tell me that they killed themselves because they didn't want to deal with me, because i was a mistake. he'd say these on the nights he'd come home drunk or high as fuck. idiotically, i believed him. that sent my depression and anxiety over the roof. sometimes he'd even be abusive, hitting me or throwing empty beer bottles."

"this went on for years on end. i'd tell the others bits and pieces of what was going on, but never the full story because i knew they'd blow up in his face. the only reason i stayed is because he was the only boy who i thought 'loved me for who i was.' boy was i wrong. one night he got fuck face drunk and went on a rampage. hitting, yelling, screaming was all i heard and felt for the past hour. when he finally fell asleep was when i ran. i packed a few things and walked away, never saying goodbye to any of them."

"the others eventually found out about my disappearance from racc. they quickly caught on why i ran away and what had been going on. needless to say, mason and fitz threatened to kill racc, racc left only because they forced him to, and i haven't seen him since. well, until a couple of days ago. after leaving racc, i took all my anger out over him into other people. a murderer was born. i'd only been on my spree for a few months when i first ran into the BBS." i nod to the others.

i'd said all of that in such a rush, i'm surprised i even knew what i said. the guys gave me a look of pain, sadness, and most of all pity.

i hated that. i hate when people pity me. it makes me feel weak, like i can't handle things on my own.

i sucked back the tears that were about to come out and put on a forced smile.

"but that was all in the past. i don't want to live in the past, nor do i need to. it's pretty late so i think i'm going to head to bed." i give the others a quick wave and head upstairs, wanting to get away from that conversation as quick as possible.

mason was about to go after me but bee held him down, knowing i wanted to be alone.

i took off the makeup i had on and put my hair into a messy bun. i slipped on some pajamas and laid in bed, contemplating on the conversation i'd just had with the others.

was i really going to let racc control my life again?