Worth The Risk (Book 2) [COMPLETED]

Chapter Thirteen

JACKIE

Pumikit ako at pinakinggan ang tunog ng alon na tumatama sa dalampasigan. Tahimik ang paligid maliban sa tunog ng alon at mahinang tawanan na nanggagaling sa loob. I was with them awhile ago, mingling and listening to them while they talk and laugh. I got sick of pretending to be interested so I excuse myself and chose to go out and be alone. My mind is too preoccupied and I keep spacing out. Huminga ako ng malalim. The sound of waves bother me so much because it brings me back to that traumatic event that happened almost a year ago but I want some alone time and a quiet place so I have no choice but to endure my fear. The sound of waves calms me before and I'm trying to bring back that effect and feeling. Naramdaman ko ang malamig na simoy ng hangin na tumatama sa mukha ko. The wind gently blew my hair behind me and slowly, I'm starting to feel at ease.

I felt my heart constrict inside my chest. There's too much going on in my mind for the past week. My emotions are mixed up. My insides are in turmoil. Napapikit ako ng mariin at naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng isang luha mula sa mata ko. I discovered something after that night that I saw Tom with his ex. I don't want to admit it to myself. I didn't knew that this will happen. Or maybe I already saw it coming and I already know that it will end like this but I refused to acknowledge it for weeks but now I can't ignore it anymore. The excruciating truth is nagging me non-stop. It won't let me rest and it won't let me sleep.

I think I'm falling out of love to Tom.

Not just because of what I saw last week. I think my feelings for him had been hanging by the edge for the past months. Lately, I can't understand him anymore. Palagi kaming nag-aaway. He's not the same Tom I've fallen inlove with. Laging mainit ang ulo niya tapos madalas wala siyang oras sa akin. Sinubukan ko namang intindihin siya at ayoko rin namang maging clingy, irritating girlfriend sakanya pero hindi ko mapigilan. Nangangako siya ng dinner date sa akin pero lagi niyang kina-cancel. He have just so many shortcomings. Napabuntong hininga ako ng malalim.

Hindi ko pa nga siya nakakausap tungkol sa nakita ko eh. Hindi ko pa siya kinokompronta. Ayokong buksan ang topic tungkol sa nangyari dahil ayokong makumpirma na niloloko nga ako ni Tom. It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not anyway. Basta ayoko lang malaman. Ayoko na mag-away kami. Ayokong maghiwalay kami. Maybe you're thinking that I'm not making sense now. Or maybe you have a lot of questions for me. Like:

Why am I turning a blind eye to what he did?

Or you're thinking why wouldn't I talk to Tom about it?

Most importantly, why am I still with him despite of figuring out that I'm not inlove with him anymore?

That is because...

I'm scared.

May nagbago iyon ang sigurado. Maraming nag-iba. Natatakot ako sa mga pagbabago. I don't want to entertain it because if I did, everything in my life that I know, will end and change. Me and Tom will end. I don't want that to happen.

In the end, I will be alone and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be alone. The thought scares me. Nasanay ako na nandiyan lang si Tom sa tabi ko. I don't want to be vulnerable and that's what I'm gonna feel once I'll break up with Tom. Worst, ayokong isipin na ang lalaking pinili ko na nagdulot ng sakit kay Vice, ngayon ay hindi ko na mahal. Hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko na sinaktan ko si Vice para sa taong ngayon ay hindi ko na mahal. Nasasaktan ako at nadaragdagan ang pagkamuhi na nararamdaman ko sa sarili ko.

Dumagdag pa sa mga bagay na hindi nagpapatulog sa akin ay ang naramdaman ko ng makita ko si Vice na kasama si Karen.

There's this weird feelings I have for him that's suddenly there without a warning. Bakit ako nasasaktan ng sobra? Kahit ngayon ay isipin ko lang na magkasama sila ay nasasaktan ako. I'm trying to sort out my feelings and emotions and it all come down to one conclusion.