The Emo, The Sparkly Vampire and the Biscuit.

Chapter Eighteen - Bootylicious

Chapter 18 - Bootylicious

(Would you like the next two chapter dedicated to you? Yes, you! Great, then all you have to do is count how many Destiny's Child and Beyonce songs there are. Good luck!!!)

There was a puff of smoke, followed by a very loud chord of thunder somewhere in the G range. Peering through the misty air, I was suddenly blinded by a flash of lightning on sequins stitched upon a silvery leotard.

“Turn off the lights! Turn off the lights!” I cried, blinking furiously to try and see what was going on. A small mountain of flesh emerged from the forest edge, wobbling like a bowl full of jelly, thighs clapping like a collection of seals, and full blond afro smoking slightly from a previous bolt of electricity. This was the cause of the fog. The metal glove that was so tacky, a gay knight wouldn’t have touched it with a ten foot lance, made terminator sound effects. “Turn them back on! Turn them back on!”

Well, it was definitely a woman; from this distance, or the frighteningly full busty figure of my ex-boyfriend. It had been years since we broke up in Kindergarten for swiping my chocolate milk, but I knew those DD’s from anywhere. She wobbled continued cautiously toward Eduardo's family, exhibiting the natural respect of a troop of predators (aka paparazzi) as it encounters a larger, unfamiliar group of its own kind.

The woman was wild, her eyes shifting restlessly between the men facing her, and the loose grouping around me, her chaotic hair quivering in the slight breeze. The craters around her booty were definitely not bootilicious. She was screaming about being a single lady, and kept flipping the bird with her tacky glove. Her eyes were different, too. One looked at you, and one looked away. Not the gold or black I had come to expect, or even the bloodshot eyes of a seasoned alcoholic but a deep burgundy colour that was disturbing and sinister.

"We thought we heard a game," She said in a relaxed voice with the slightest of French accents, which confused everyone as they looked around for the others. I wondered if she was talking about her butt...it certainly could hold four or five different people...I mean personalities...and then I recognized her. It was Beyonce, my ex had become a Vampire Beyonce. To think what Jay Z had become!

"There was. But you don’t have a team, I see only one of you, ah, ah, ah. I'm The Count. This is my family, Boris and Casper, Rosemary, Isme and Aliss, Eduardo and Stella." He pointed us out in groups, deliberately not calling attention to individuals. I felt a shock when he said my name. I was part of the family! Score! But there was no way you’d get me in one of those dresses unless they allowed black as part of the colour pallet and allowed broken bottles as a means of defence.

"Do you have room for a few more players?" Beyonce asked sociably as everyone looked around erratically once more. Eduardo and Aliss furiously debating over how many they’d thought they’d heard.

The Count matched Beyonce's friendly tone. "Actually, we were just finishing up. But we'd certainly be interested another time. Nineteen, ah, ah, ah to One, ah, ah, ah. And two, ah, ah, ah, and seven, ah, ah, ah -”

“Are you planning to stay in the area for long?" Isme interrupted, for once dwarfed by present company.

"We're headed north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighbourhood. We haven't run into any company in a long time."

Clearly, I thought, judging by the hair on those legs. You could have plaited them. Guess tree sap and bark was not a Temptation for her Freakum Dress.

"No, this region is usually empty except for us and the occasional visitor, like yourselves."

The tense atmosphere had slowly subsided into a casual conversation; I guessed that Casper was using his peculiar gift to control the situation.