THE DAILY BLATHER - RUSTY SPOONS FAVOURITE NEWSPAPER (AND ONLY)
LOCAL MAKES CENTAURS ON GOAT ROCKS
Local ex-Chief of Police, Mr. Sharlie Cheen, was arrested on Saturday evening after being found in compromised circumstances after romancing local teacher, Mr. Banana's prize stud, Roxy. The Forces found Mr. Cheen just after sunset, when surrounding members of the Goat Rock's community rang in to complain of a man being attacked and mounted by a neighbours stallion. Terrified by Mr. Cheen's screams, passers by were shocked to discover this appalling act.
“It was awful, I have never seen anything so unnatural in all my life. I am scarred.” One lady, a Miss Prude complained to the Daily Blather.
Mr. Cheen has proclaimed his innocence in regards to the matter, stating that he was very drunk and had no idea what was happening. Once extracted from the horse, Mr. Sheen was promptly arrested and has since been charged with Bestiality at the local courthouse. His trial will be set for February, in Seattle to settle the verdict. He will also be charged with driving under the influence and drunken disorderly, as well as supplying alcohol to his 17 year old daughter, Stella Seagull.
CRAZY INDIAN CHIEF DECLARES POMERANIAN IS ACTUALLY HIS WEREWOLF SON
It seems to be a week for the loonies this week, after the controversy over ex-police chief, Mr. Sharlie Cheen making promiscuous advances on a pony, local Native American Chief Hobb Nobbs of the McVitties tribe has claimed that the Pomeranian Pooch is actually his 15 year old son, Jaffa Cake Jake. Local Authorities are not convinced, and have since seized the dog for failure to provide a valid dog liscence. The police are also asking for the whereabouts of his son, who has not been seen since the arrival of his dog, and request that either members of the public or Jake himself, get in contact with them on 5555-We don't really care or 1800 – I want a real job. Jake is 5'10” and around 180lbs. He has black/brown hair and puppy dog brown eyes. Comes when whistled, he's up to date on shots but needs a rabies booster, so it is vital we find him as soon as possible.
VAMPIRE WORMS FOUND IN LOCAL FOREST
It is common knowledge that leeches live in ponds and rivers, so when you're traipsing around in the mountainous forest just south of Goat Rocks that you can be forgiven for not expecting blood sucking worms. It seems that Rusty Spoons worms have acquired a taste for human blood in the last few months. A biologist flown in from Seattle, a Mr. Paris Ite has said he's never seen anything like it.
“When I first heard of this infestation, I simply assumed that a someone had dug up a dead body and was shocked to discover that worms are responsible for some of the decomposition process. When I was told that it was happening to living people walking through woods, I thought that maybe there was a new species of leech or maybe even tick. After catching a few samples, and running some tests I have found that they are simply earth worms. It was astounding.”
These vampiristic earth worms, appear normal until you see them in sunlight, they appear to glitter and glimmer like crystals before madly gumming your ankle, or so say the poor victims. Who have been viciously attacked by these mad worms. Here is an account from a young Miss Ima Sissy.
“I was just walking through the woods, picking up some flowers for my evening salad when I happened upon this poor earthworm, lying in the middle of the path. I felt sorry for the worm, and I knew that it wasn't safe for them to be out in the open like this. So I bent down and then - that's when I saw it.....sparkle! Then it attacked me!”
Locals are advised to steer clear of the woods and tree lined areas to stop these encounters or wear very long boots.
LOST AND FOUND
lost two silver hip flasks inscribed Nip and Tipple, affectionately known as Nipple. They stand seven inches high and two inches thick. If found please call 1800-666-EMO reward, $100 or $200 if still full.
found weird gelatinous blob behind the Duck Drunk Sunday morning. Owner Dawid Szczerbanowski, would like it re-moved ASAP as it is grossing the locals out, call 1800-JUST-ONEMORE for details
BIRTHS, DEATHS AND MARRIAGES
BIRTHS Mr. Banana's prize mare, Butch, has given birth to twin centaurs on the 1st of December. Both boys and Mum are doing well, donations to be sent to Mr. Banana at 1800-THATS-JUSTWRONG, for upkeep.
MARRIAGES Congratulations to Eduardo Doritoes and Mike “Malibu” Starbucks on their wedding on 3rd of December in Las Vegas. The blushing bride wore purple and the groom black leather and studs. Congratulatory cards to be sent to the Doritoes Manor.
DEATHS weird gelatinous blob....maybe.
CELEBRITY NEWS
Beyonce Knowles is back in business. She is back fitter and slimmer than ever, and has announced not only a new Album release, but that her and Jay-Z are expecting a baby sometime in January. She seems full of zest, and has stated that a recent holiday in our Home Town, of Rusty Spoons has helped rejuvenate and focus her mind. We however are still wondering if that pregnancy bump is real, and if there really is a surrogate. What do say to that BK?
YOU ARE READING
The Emo, The Sparkly Vampire and the Biscuit.
Hayran Kurgu"Your skin is... pale white, and ice cold. Your eyes change color... and sometimes you speak like - like you're from a different time. You never eat or drink anything; you don't go into the sunlight. I know what you are." "Go on, say it." "You're em...
