SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 5

Chapter: 5

I couldn't really sleep that night for my mind was too heavy to let my eyes drift off.for me,it was the first time I saw the other side of the night,the screaming silence.the only thing that I could hear at that time was my heart thumping against my chest and my unsteady breathing.being unable to sleep,I got up from my bed and went to stand by my window,just to admire the moon but the only thing that I could think of at that time was Andy's smile.oh god!I missed him even when he was just a few rooms away for me.I sighed and tried to de tangle myself from the bounds of confusion but the more I tried,the more I failed.I always found my mind stuck in one place and the place was Andy's heart.I never denied that we were always unhealthily close and whenever one was hurt,the other felt the pain but this time,things were not as unnoticeable as they used to be.
I told myself to stop,but I couldn't.I knew that by overthinking,I was creating the problems that were never there but I knew that I couldn't turn back,or atleast I didn't want to turn back.I sighed heavily at my thoughts.I went outside my room to clear my head and walked aimlessly but surprisingly,I reached the place where I subconsciously wanted to go-Andy's room.being completely honest,I wasn't expecting him to be asleep for I knew he couldn't sleep at night but this was the first time I was happy to see that my expectations did not hold true.I walked into his room and saw Andy curled into a ball and sleeping with his lips slightly apart.I smiled to myself and sat down on his bed,playing with his hair.Andy,being the muchkin of the band grabbed my hand unconsciously and held onto it.I chuckled at the difference of the sizes of our hands and decided to lay by him.
As soon as I wrapped my arms around his body,he cuddled close to me,our faces being inches apart.he was asleep,he didn't even know that his move made me nervous,like really nervous.I gulped and looked at his face and felt an immediate urge to kiss his lips but I couldn't do so.could I?The more I controlled myself the more frustrated I became.after nearly an hour or so,I felt Andy's grip relaxing and he finally lets go of my hand.I knew that my breathing was heavy and I needed to get out before I woke him up.as I sat upright,I took a last glance at his face before leaving when suddenly my adrenaline kicked in and not knowing what to do, I moved closer to him and kissed him.I instantly felt the guilt and left his room and ran downstairs towards the garden to clear my mind and to get hold of the shit that was going inside my head.
I walked towards the road crossing the forest to go to the place where I went to think about life and saw someone familiar there.it was Amber who was sitting on a log,tapping her feet against the ground.
"Hey."
"Oh my god!You literally scared the shit out of me.." she said and moved a bit to make space for me to sit.
"So..What are you doing here at 3pm?" She asked me
"Nothing...Just thinking about life and stuff..And what about you?" I asked and she sighed.
"Couldn't sleep." She heaved.I smiled and then both of us sat there in silence.
"I don't know what to do.." I said out of the blue.
"What do you mean?" She asked ,looking concerned.
"I know that I'm right but I'm afraid of being wrong." My voice cracked. she turned towards me and said "what happened?"
"I-I don't know..I'm afraid that I'll bring darkness in the life of the person who mistook me to be their morning star.I feel like my happiness will ruin someone else's entire world."
"Ryan.calm down.sometimes its okay to feel guilty for the mistake you never made.sometimes, people who are really close are actually found to be in the opposite sides of the reality.when there is light in one's life,there is darkness in the other's.but if you have the power to see their smile even at the cost of your own,you know it's love."she smiled at me and I smiled back.
I felt that she was right.if I can earn Andy's smile even at the cost of my own,I will be happy enough to know that I was able to do something for the person I LOVE.

"I am tired but I can't sleep.my eyes are heavy but my thoughts are heavier.I don't know  why the soft touch of the night's beauty has such a hard effect on me.I'm too tired to think,too hurt to breathe,too bruised to love yet too strong to give up.you thought you were the one to hold me the tightest but it wasn't you,it was the tireness that prevented me to get absorbed in you.now I've come to know that I'm a good deceiver for I managed to deceive the sharpest eyes.I managed to fake a normal night even when my heart hurted itself,my brain cursed itself and my body poisoned itself each and every second.your soothing touch did nothing but increased the pain.however,I kinda always knew that your touch was magical for everytime your fingertips traced my skin,the poison found it's antidote in itself and my restless mind managed to calm itself down and I,at the end,was forced to fall asleep."

If only I knew how you felt,
I would've found a better way with which I would have dealt.