SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 11

I tried but I couldn't.I couldn't fall in love with her.I wasn't able to see what she wanted to say just by looking at her eyes. I wasn't able to hold her tight like she was my necessity.but why? The answer was simple,she wasn't Andy.I could only feel her lips but not her smile that should've been there.I could only feel how she felt in my arms but I couldn't feel what she felt.I was sure that I would never love her,neither her soul nor her body.
"R-ryan..."she blushed as we pulled out after a few seconds.I was sure I wouldn't be able to answer her questions so I decided not to let her speak.so,I kissed her again.people who say that one kiss is enough to fall in love are totally wrong for, if two people are meant to fall in love,a smile is enough to engage the cupid in his work.

We were a bit distant from each other for the whole time but not gonna lie,I truly wanted it.as soon as she entered,she engulfed Andy into a bone crushing hug and Andy gave her a smile,fake enough for me to notice.it was somewhat alarming for me for according to what I know,she was the only person other than her mother whom he loved with all his heart.Amber left to change,leaving me and Andy alone in the hallway.I looked at Andy and he motioned at me to join him.

We walked along the lifeless roads in the shed of the dusk.I was not determined to find our destination,I was looking for our destiny,the one that touched my heart with such a roughness that now,it's broken.I smiled while Andy kept looking down.
Our hands brushed a few times cause we were walking too close to each other and everytime that happened,I blushed a shade brighter than the sky.perhaps,both me and the sky were in love,him being flushed everytime the night touched him and the same thing was happening to me.after walking for nearly 15 fifteen minutes in the silence,I decided to break it.
"So?" I asked andy and he looked directly into my eyes.I couldn't resist but walk a bit closer,our bodies were just a few inches apart.
"So...."Andy said and I motioned him to continue.
"You kissed her.didn't you?" He said with a voice colder than the advancing night.
I broke the eye contact that we established in the past few minutes.
"Y-yeah,but how do you-"
"She was as red as blood."I cringed at his weird comparison.
"Okay,let's go." He said and turned around to walk away.I immediately grabbed his wrist and he hissed in pain even though I was sure that my grip was not that harsh.
"Are you kidding me?You brought me here just to ask me about the kiss.Andy you can fool yourself but you know you can never fool me.I know you had something more to say.I can read you like a book.I remember those day when you used to call me for a walk and on our way you used to spill whatever was on your mind.you can't just leave me loitering on the words that were eaten up by your dammed silence!" I screamed.
"R-Ryan,i-its hur-"
"It's hurting?Oh now don't give me that dammed excuse.I'm barely gripping it.Andy,I know that you're a victim of pain but you're culprit to my feelings.Andy,here you are not the one who's hurt,it's me.you decide not to talk to me but when you do,you leave me thinking that I'm the reason behind everyone's problem.your words are daggers that dig through my heart but still,I prefer them over the silence for your words makes me feel,even though the feeling is that of pain but your silence leaves me numb and dead."
And did nothing but whimpered and silent tears cascaded from his eyes while he bit his lip.I tightened my grip just to make him talk to me but all of a sudden I felt a feeling of wetness in my fingers.I looked at my hand and saw that Andy's wrist was dripping blood.I immediately jerked his wrist off and he whimpered in pain.
"What h-have you done.?"I said as tears threatened to fall down my cheek.he gave me a pure smile and he rubbed his tears.I quickly gor hold of his hand and rolled up his sleeves just to expose a very messed up cut with a tattoo peaking from underneath the layer of blood and clot.it made me want to throw up.I pressed my palm against the cut tightly to stop the uncontrollable bleeding and he hissed in pain.I pulled him closer to me so that both of our free hands were entangled and we paced quickly towards home.
At that point of time,I came to realise that we were not pieces of puzzles cause we were not just incomplete without each other.rather,we were like the past and the present,we were non existing without each other.
Andy kept his pace with me and decided not to open his sassy mouth considering the fact that I was red with anger.
When we entered We saw that the boys were sitting round the hallroom along with Amber.I quickly rubbed the excess blood on my hand with the inner side of my hoodie and pulled Andy by his wrist,hoping not to get into trouble.
"Oh my god guys...You are like Brooklyn's brain cells,always unavailable in times of need."Jack commented while I tried not to make eye contact with them.
"Oye!" Brooklyn barked at Jack.
"Guys,We have some important work to do, we'll join you later."I said while walking up the stairs.
"Ooo,I see."jack smirked."try not to be too loud"
Andy have him a dirty look.
"It's not what it looks like!"
I smiled to myself.if only what ever jack told would be true!

I dragged Andy to his room and locked the door behind.
"Give me your hand" I said with a stern voice.
"No thanks,I know how to-"
"Shhh...Shut your damn mouth" I said while putting my finger on his lips
"Oh god,you taste like blood." He literally licked my finger in order to decrease the tention which in turn,made me more furious that I already was
"I.am.serious!" I screeched.
"Oh jeez!Stop screaming." He said and advanced his hand towards me.I grabbed his hand and dabbed a cotton soaked in antiseptic on the wound.surprisingly,It had already stopped bleeding but what I saw after that really shook me.
His wrist revealed a tattoo of the words "I can't" over some dried up marks of self harm.I literally cringed every time I touched his cut just at the feeling of how much it would've hurt.my hands were shaking while I was wrapping his cut with a gauze.
"Rye?" he said with a painful smile.I shot him a look while tears threatened to fall down my eyes.
"That doesn't hurt" he brought his hand closer to him and placed it gently oh his chest.
"This does." He smirked with tears.
"Why Andy,why do you do this to yourself?Why do you break promises?I'm always here to help but why do you never ask for it?killing your body will never kill the pain Andy." I took his hand in mine and pressed it against my chest.
"Can you feel it And?My heart's beating just like yours.I'm breathing just like you're.the only difference between you and me is that I breath to live and you breath to be alive.I know it hurts,I know it burns,I know it kills but I also know that It gets better.trust me,it will"
"It will never get better Ryan cause it's the best I've ever been.you like to term it as worse,I just like to call it negatively better.we're not same Ryan, we're just fucking opposites.what hurts you will always be the thing that'll satisfy me.you like to call it pain,I like to call it pleasure.you like to call it darkness,I like to call it the absence of light.you like to call it loneliness,I like to call it an invisible companion.you like to call it life,I like to call it death." He whispered in a voice that displayed numbness but still,somewhere under silence,there was a voice screaming for help.
I got up from the bed only to bring some sleep meds with a bottle of water.
"Take this.heavy eyes is the only answer to heavy thoughts.you need sleep love-I me-mean Andy." He took the medicine and laid on the bed.I placed a kiss on his forehead and not being able to control my emotions,I laced a gentle kiss on his lips and left the room.
"Opposites attract Andy"I said to myself while shutting the door behind me.

 
"In between every breath I take,I want to feel your presence.Im between every cut I make,I want to feel your touch.In between every whimper that leaves my mouth,I want  you to kiss them away.
My life has always been a school where my happiness is the history,my depression is the geography around which I revolve,my body is that boring class that you want to leave as soon as possible and my heart?It's still under the influence of the rules of algebra.
My heart is the one that makes me realise that we are different,rather,it's better to say that we are opposites.And Rye,life is not physics that opposites will attract.rather,it's based on the simple rules of algebra where positive and negetive will always give way to negetive."

If only I knew how you felt,
I would've found a better way with which I would've dealt.