SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 12

I huffed and stretched out.suddenly,tingles ran through my whole body.I was cold and I was shaking but still,the excitement rushed through my blood faster than the numbness did.
I had no time for second thoughts as I bursted into Andy's room,expecting him to be asleep because when he decided to close his eyes,it was already 2:51 a.m.I had been sitting by the door of Andy's bedroom,checking on him form time to time,but this time,I had been a bit careful so as not to let my tired-ass body doze off there.
I waked into his room and saw him staring at the ceiling blankly.he gave me a blank expression when he saw me standing there.
I was sure that he noticed nothing but my anxiousness which was scribbled with the broad streaks of happiness while all I did was notice his faint and hardy visible smile inspite of the presence of the overpowering marks of his dried up tears.
Perhaps,people are mirrors,not glasses.
"What happened?" He asked without even looking at me.he preferred looking at the ceiling.maybe,because he found someone as lifeless as him.
"I've got myself a tattoo!" I announced with excitement.he gave me a concerned look which was still blank enough to make me take it into account.
" But You hate needles Ryan"he stated coldly.
There was something so legible yet unusual  about his behaviour.he was a labyrinth without any way out.it was like once you come to know him,he will be the only thing on your mind.It was like he was the sea and I was the shore,He washed off the footprints While I tried to keep them secured.
"Indeed..But you know what?It's worth it." I said while breaking away from my thoughts.I walked towards him and advanced by bare wrist with an exposed tattoo.
He traced his fingers through my skin and I shivered at his touch.just a few second ago,the pain pricked and now the calmness tickled my body.a pale expression lathered his face.
I exactly knew what he was thinking-how could I do this?How could I just go through my worst nightmares just to fetch him a speck of hope?
Andy may not know what I loved but he knew what I hated.I've always had hated needles.just the thought of something piercing through my skin would make me go all wild.this aichmophobic child had had never though to getting himself a tattoo until now.
"Just breathe....." My skin had bled for that short yet meaningful phrase..
I looked over to see Andy tracing his fingers over my tattoo again as if trying to understand the motive that I had while getting it.
"Why would you do that?This doesn't even makes any sense." He said with a voice sharpened with numbness.
"Well...It makes enough sense to my heart to pace itself faster everytime I see it." I said in a matter-of-fact voice.
Andy did nothing but frowned.
"Stop your fucking nonsense ryan.just.stop.please...Just give up.....There's nothing more you can do to make me happy....Just..." i could already feel him running out of breath and words.
"I don't need a goddamn signboard to make me remember to breathe....If I want to,I will...If I don't want to....I will never....Do you know how much it hurts me to see you like this?It hurts me soo much to see you going though pain just to get nothing but pain in return.I'm desperate Ryan,I'm desperate to end things,not around me but the things inside me.you want to help me but I don't need it..If there's something that I need,it will me silence...The voices in my head torture me when you guys are around and then they slowly poison me when no one's around.but I'd prefer being dead than being a home to millions of non existing versions of myself.I don't want you to get hit by a bullet just to save a grenade.please Ryan,get rid of me and you'll find yourself getting rid of all the problems that you didn't even have in your life"he said while throwing his body all over his bed.on that very day,I discovered a new,or rather unseen side of Andy,the vulnerable beast side,the side that was too weak to hurt yet too strong to let go.

"....Please.....Leave......Me alone......With the voices..I surely don't long for them but then again,I'll not be alive without them..." He mumbled to himself,his voice shaky and filled with helplessness.I placed my shaking hand on his shoulder,watching him getting up and jerking it off.
"LEAVE!" He nearly screamed with his voice with lacked breathe.I backed off a few steps and stared at him with amusement.
"You're stronger than this Andy....You are better than this...." I whispered to him while I left his room,closing the door behind me.

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It was near about 8 in the evening.Amber was sitting in the guest room and was giving the finishing touches to the portrait she had been working on for a few days.A small smile crept on her face as she traced her fingers on the pencil work which meant a lot to her.while she was doing so,she heard a sudden knock on the door and carelessly,she asked them to come in.it was Andy.
On seeing him,she quickly hid the portrait with the comforter that was wrapped around her small body and pretended that nothing happened.Andy gave her a know-it-all smile as he sad beside her,carefully enough not to sit on the portrait that had been hidden under it.
"So..."
"So?.." Amber said sheepishly.
"How's life?" Andy said while playing with the hem of his jumber,keeping it intact to his wrist so as not to show his scars.but unfortunately,Amber had already seen them before he could even think of hiding them.
"Good....What about you?" She asked as a sense of paranoia suddenly hit her whole body.
"Better..." Andy shrugged off..
"So.....I see you've found someone....I mean....I think you know what I mean...."
"What....What are you talking about?" Amber said while trying to play it cool.
"I see...You really like him,don't you?" Andy said while trying to give her a genuine smile.
"Who told you I like Rye?"
Andy smirked as he shifted closer to her.
"I never told I was talking about Ryan..."
"Oh fuck...." Amber cursed underneath her breath.
"I think you should talk to him and tell him everything..."
"NO!I'm not an Idiot....And moreover,he likes someone else...." She said and started walking out of the room.
"That's the thing Amy,he likes someone else cause he doesn't knows how to love.....He's too innocent for this world,he would fall for anything that would look appealing to him,not knowing that it may be the most poisonous thing in the world.but I know you can change him.I know you can save him from ruining his life.I know that you're perfect for him..And so I want you to talk to him."
"No,I won't"
"Then I think I will have to tell him how you fe-"
"No no no,don't do that... I'll talk to him.." she heaved.
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Silence...The only thing with which I have had a love-hate relationship for as long as the eternity goes.sometimes it makes my heart beat faster while in other situation,it makes my breath stoop slow.but then also,I don't really think that I've ever had showed it all the appreciation that I feel towards it.
For instance,while Amber and I were sitting in our usual spot at 3 a.m just like the old days,I wanted nothing but it's presence for it provided me safety from the questions that would've been shot towards me but then also,I kinda wanted it to leave for....For...No apparent reason.
I stood up from the bench on which we had been sitting for nearly an hour and motioned her to join me.
"Wait!wh-where are you going?"
"Since we've decided not to talk and look at the not-so-visible scenery,why don't we just go out and do the same thing in a better way?" I said while walking towards her.
"I needed to talk to you...." Sh skittered underneath her breath.
"And so Do I..." I said and sat back.

I looked up at the sky though there was nothing to see.it was dark and gloomy,with no stars and the moon just casted a ghastly shadow on us.I didn't know why but it somehow reminded of Andy,how he would be shifting from side to side just to force himself to sleep which would end up in him taking a few sleeping pills till he would cry himself to sleep,how he would want to scream till his voice would give up on him but how he would decide to keep numb,only whispering "please,let me go" to himself till his weary body would just collapse on the bed.An unseen tear slipped through my eyes.
"Rye?" Amber nudged me to bring me back to the place that isn't an illusion.
"Hmm" I replied
"I just wan-wanted to ask wh-why did you kiss me in the a-airport..." She muttered.
My biggest irrational fear was now a Reality
I wanted to tell her how wrong I was.I wanted to tell her everything.I wanted to tell her how I forced my heart to love her body.I really wanted to tell her that she was beautiful,but I was not the one who would ever be able to appreciate it.I wanted to tell her how much I loved Andy that I was ready to leave the world just to see him smile even for a fraction of second.I wanted to tell her but I couldn't.
"I I k-kissed you because I think I l-like you" I lied...And that wasn't just a lie,it was a sin,a vile sin.
After a moment of silence,she stared at me and then she started laughing hysterically.

When I was young,I looked for a destination.now,I only desire escape.I know it's hard to hold on but it's harder to let go.this is the labyrinth of my life,millions of entrances,trillions of paths but only one exit.I am surely a night sky,thousands of observers,handful of admirers,trillions of stars to look after,only one moon to love.but that's not what describes me for,since when scribbles are admired more than Calligraphies?
I'm an undefined mess,if not worse.I'm half dead,if not more.I'm a dying body,if not dead.

If only I know how you felt,
I would've found a better way with which I wouldve dealt.