SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 6

I wasn't able to look away from him,or atleast,I thought so.In reality I never want to look away from him.I felt like he wanted to say something to me even though I was fully aware that he was lost in the world of dreams.suddenly,I heard his unsteady breathing and saw him moving onto his side.I didn't wanted him to think that I'm a creep for staring at him in his sleep so,I quickly hopped onto his bed and pretended to be sleeping.after a few seconds I felt Andy's breath near my ear."good morning Rye" he whispered in his raspy morning voice and for a second I felt myself getting lost in a world that was really really familiar to me.I shook my head and I looked directly into is eyes.
Our faces were so close that I nearly lost my breath.I kept biting my tongue to control myself from doing something wrong but nothing could control my urge to kiss him.being unable to control, I leaned in and saw that Andy didn't seem to be uncomfortable with it.being embarrassed,I jolted my head and faced the other side of the room.I didn't know what he was thinking of but I decided to remain oblivious cause oblivion is the only pain that never hurts the heart.
"Hey And...Get ready... We'll go to the pet's foster care." I said with a smile which was meant to cover my flushed cheeks.
"Ryan…are you okay?" He asked with concern.
"Y-yeah…why won't I be?" I said,still not being able to control my flushness.
"Did you get enough sleep last night?"
"Y-yeah."
"And someone told me that I need to learn how to lie."
"Well,I slept for 2 hours" I lied.
"Still not convincing enough.."he rolled his eyes.
"Okay,fine...I couldn't sleep last night and I don't want to.so now,can we please go out and spend some time,you and me?"
I was flushed.I couldn't stop those words from leaving my mouth.I was so embarrassed that I wasn't able to make eye contact with him.he gave me a questioning look but he agreed nevertheless.

We went to the foster care like the day before and spent nearly 3 hours there.It was like our second home that we found a few days ago.throughout the whole day, Andy played with the pups and,unknowingly,his smile played with my heart.the boys,to my surprise,didn't text us,not even once.perhaps they had finally learnt to respect our private space and had learnt to trust us more even though we vanished without informing them.

We started going there more often.whenever one of us was down,the other would drag the former to the foster care.it was our way of showing our love and affection that we had for each other.it seemed that the pups considered us to be a part of the family,especially cabee,who would jump onto Andy's lap and would lick his entire face until and unless he would shower her with sweet kisses.It may sound absurd but I was jealous.I was very much jealous of cabee and wanted to take her place.
Things started changing,and so did my feelings.I started spending each and every hour with Andy.when I was awake,I was with Andy and when I was asleep,I was thinking about Andy.after stopping him from cutting for more that a dozen of times and after getting into random fights with him which ended in both of us breaking down in each other's arms,Andy finally showed some signs of improvement.instead of bottling up his feelings and crying himself to sleep at night,he started opening up to me and cried infront of me and for the bonus,we managed to find a home away from home,the foster care center.I felt like Andy was more comfortable with the canined-strangers than he was infront of his loved ones.
He said that he was afraid of being judged but I knew that he was afraid of being loved.I knew that he felt that he was the reason behind everyone's tears,he felt that if he started spending more time with the boys,he would hurt them.he was afraid of anybody who was ready to give their life for him but he failed to notice that I was one of them.yes,I was utterly in love with him.with every second that passed by,my love grew stronger and my defences, weaker.with every tear he shed,his pain became less but my pain gained it's pace.with every smile that we shared,we got closer but our hearts became distant.

It had been a month since I started feeling for Andy and since then,many things happened for the good.Amber became a regular visitor of our house.she knew about Andy's mental health but Andy didn't need know that.whenever we managed to insist her to stay with us,both of us used to follow the rules stated in our unwritten bond which was to meet each other at our secret place at exactly 2:45 a.m.

I introduced Andy to her as the 'anonymous person who owned my heart without even knowing' and she used to give me some words of wisdom about love which,according to her,she had never felt for anyone,and I used to follow her testaments word by word.she used to say that love is holding someone tight but true love is letting them go and the foolish me tried to follow her words and tried to throw Andy out of my mind but I had forgotten that I never the one who was in charge of my mind.it was him,it always had been him.
I realised that the best idea was to bottle up my feelings and not to open up infront of anyone,the same thing that Andy did a few weeks before and which made him go insane.maybe, I thought it won't affect me but I was wrong.
"Ryan Beaumont!" Andy screamed,bringing mw out of my trance.
"Do you realise that this is the 5th time you zoned out during a single fucking conversation?" He said and pursed his lips and he didn't bothered to move away from me,instead,he unconsciously shifted even closer to me than he already was.my heart raced and my hands started sweating and shaking but I was sure that Andy never saw that.
"Y-yeah" I tried to find a believable explanation for my absurd behaviour but I failed.miserably.
Saying nothing,he rolled his eyes and cleared his throat.
"Okay,let's go.we're already late.I think cabee must be waiting for us."he said and was about to look away when I unconsciously muttered 'wait' which surely was quite inaudible bur somehow Andy managed to hear it and moved a bit closer to me.
Not being able to control myself anymore, I grabbed Andy by his waist and pulled him into a kiss.he gasped at first but then he melted into the kiss.I wanted to keep the kiss as friendly as possible but it was Andy who turned it into a heated and passionate one.slowly gaining my composer, I started pulling out from the kiss that lasted for more that a few minutes and then we stared blankly into each other's eyes.I tried to find a set of 'whys' in Andy's eyes but all I found was happiness that beamed through his eyes.
"Let's go." He smiled and pulled me by my hand.
In the foster care, Andy spent the whole time playing with cabee and having a one sided conversation with her and I kept on recalling what had happened a few moments ago and kept smiling to myself.I kept touching my lips in a desperate attempt to recall the tingles that the kiss left on me.
While leaving the foster care, I saw Andy wrapping a pink collar around cabee's neck that had something written on it and then he kissed Cabee.I asked him what it was but all he said was "you'll see." With his innocent smile.

"yes,you did it but I felt it.you may have looked at me,but you have never seen me.you may have touched me but you have never held me,yet there is a part of me that says that I am wrong for you are the one who introduced me to myself.

but unfortunately, you'll never know how much it hurts.how much it hurts to love someone knowing that they will never love you in the same way.yes, I know I'm broken but I still want to hold you when you are in pieces.but who would want to touch a broken mirror knowing that it can never reflect their happiness and would do nothing but hurt them?"

If only I knew how you felt,
I would've found a better way with which I would have dealt.