SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 16

Maybe it was my heart that was thumping against my chest or maybe it was his fingers which unconciously ran through my hair that woke me up from my sleep.it was as if my heart never wanted to accept the mess I was but it was always craving to hold the flawed beauty that Andy was.Andy was like an ocean to me,I craved to explore it but I was scared of being addicted to it..
I know that once I'll get addicted,I'm gonna drown.
I could feel Andy's soft breath on my neck while I could feel him shifting now and then in my arms.I could feel a slight pain in my forearm but the pain was too feeble to make me move Andy out of my embrace.surprisingly,Andy's unconscious body knew me better than I did.I could feel his breath fading and his touch leaving my body as he shifted and turned away from me to cuddle into the sheets.

Is it weird to crave for something that already belongs to you? If yes,then I apologise for being different.
I could feel every inch of my skin craving for his touch.yes,I had had this feeling before.I felt it when I wasn't able to breath the air that surrounded me or when I couldn't just fly in the night sky that looked so welcoming to me.
I forced my tired body to sit upright while my eyes tried to adjust to the almost-afternoon sun.as soon as my eyes were able to see again,all I looked for was him,his sleeping body curled up inside the comforter while his hands rested on his belly.he wasn't ever aware that I was staring at him,let alone my craving for him.I leaned down quickly and placed my lips on his forehead.I wanted to kiss his lips,but I couldn't.I didn't have the permission,did I?

I got up from the bed and walked towards the door.it was uncomfortable,almost unbearable for me to see my heart break with every seconds that passed.I could feel his soft breath stabbing my heart and leave a jumble of agonising scribbles on it.he was okay,I knew he was but he wasn't alright.he was too strong to leave yet too weak to stay.

I walked towards him and I took his hand in mine.I slowly lifted up the sleeve and I kissed his knuckles.my eyes suddenly fell on a marker that was lying on the table.I picked it up and started drawing a heart on the back of his hand and I ended up writing
'I ❤️ you'.I had no idea why I did that but I knew that it made me feel good,well,at least better than before.
I wanted to go out and plan a special night for tomorrow.I wanted to make him feel special on his birthday,I wanted to remind him that he is needed and he has a special place in someone's heart.but I didn't want to leave him alone.I knew what happened the last time he met silence and loneliness and I didn't want that to happen again.
I walked anxiously in his room and I went through some of the stuffs that were in his wardrobe.Although I knew what I was looking for,I kind of wished that I would never find it.but I did find it,I found the box where he kept his blades,hidden under a pile of books and diaries.I quickly took it out and threw it in the bin.I was so frustrated that I started sweating.it was freezing outside but my body was on fire.being anxious,I picked up the notebook that was hidden with the box.I absolutely knew what it was and I wanted to know what was written in it.but then,he had promised me that he would let me read it when he would want me to.I somewhat knew that he would keep his promise cause let's be honest,we all know that he was far stronger than me and far better than me.I didn't flip through the pages,I skipped to the last page and tore it off.I took the marker and wrote
"Call me when you're up.love you xx"
And placed it beside his bedside table.

I walked downstairs as fast as I could.I didn't want to look at the boys,let alone talking to them.
"Rye?" Jack called me
I felt that it would be wise to ignore his feeble voice and leave as fast as possible.
"Ryan,please listen..." Mikey sighed.
I walked towards them and pulled out a chair and sat down.I started fiddling with my rings just to prevent looking at them.I thought they were disappointed,I thought they were disgusted.

"Rye,please tell us what's wrong,what's going on with Andy..He's our friend too,we deserve to know what's going on with him.I know that we can help him,please give us a chance." Jack murmured.I kept my eyes intact on the table
"RYAN,PLEASE! We deserve to-"
"It's okay Jack...I understand" I heard Mikey's soothing voice behind me as he placed his hand on my shoulder.
"I know that Rye's enough to help him.we can trust Rye,I know that he'll be able to protect him without our help,won't you,Rye?"
"I..I-" I had so much to say but I had no words to explain.
There was an uncomfortable silence in the table until we heard a familiar voice behind us.
"Umm...Hey lads,sorry for not informing you guys before but I gotta leave for New york now....I need to sort some things out.." she said while she dragged her heavy-looking trolley with her.
"Wait....What?" I shot up.
"Yeah...I gotta leave now...My flight's at 5....I'm gonna be late..."
"Wait....Atleast let me drop you..." I said
"Oh..Don't worry..I Will book myself a cab"
"No..I'm gonna drop you." I said with a stubborn voice.honestly,I wanted to drop her just to run away from there
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"So?"
"Umm...What?"
"So..Why exactly are you leaving?" I said while I played nervously with the back cover of my phone.I kept on checking my inbox anxiously just to see if he had texted me.I could feel my heart racing,for it was never ready to leave him alone,all by himself.I wanted to calm myself down but how could I?I wasn't sure if he was okay or not.I really wanted to feel his touch against my skin,I really wanted hold him like I did this morning.Isn't it weird that getting used to is far easier than forgetting?You may think that he was my addiction,but in truth,he was my obsession,my passion,fixation and compulsion.