SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 9

"I knew it!I absolutely knew it!" Mikey screamed with a hint of pride in his voice.
Everyone gave Mikey a questioning look,except me and Andy,I was regretting what I've had said,how I turned something as pure as love into something as vile as lie.I  looked at Andy's face and smiled to myself thinking that the thorn that I've encountered is worth the rose that was beside me,A rose too fragile that I feared holding it with my brutal hands,a rose too priceless to be called mine.I looked at him again,he was looking down,looking more drunk than I knew he was.he was biting his lip so hard that I could literally see blood oozing out from his lips.I leaned a bit towards him and brushed my thumb through his inner lip.I never wanted to care about my actions but I did.I looked around and saw each and every pair of eyes hooked to Mikey,who was trying to gain everyone's attention with his words,except a pair of eyes,that looked at me with anger burning in them.Lukas kept looking at me with his piercing brown eyes till I shrugged him off
"Stop biting!What's wrong with you?" I whispered.I tried to take his hands in mine but he just shrugged it off and whispered numbly.
"Im too drunk and I'm not feeling well." And shifted closer to Jack,moving away from me.

"People may not know but the other day I saw Rye and Amber in the forest at 3 a.m sitting and chatting like lovers do in sappy romantic movies.I knew there was something going on between these two!" He exclaimed like a rebellious teenager who had just proven someone wrong.I smirked to myself thinking of how wrong he was.

"Ok guys enough,we all are pretty drunk and I think we should stop this now." Jack announced while throwing the plastic cup that was in his hand and we all agreed to him.I saw Andy pushing himself off the ground in an attempt to stand without falling and he tried to walk towards his room.I stood up as quickly as I could and offered him a helping hand but he pushed me,a bit forcefully which left a very confused me leaning on the wall.
"Ryan,I'm not feeling well and I don't need you fucking help.please,for God's sake,leave me alone."He said a bit too sternly,the still numbness pricked through my skin which left me thinking,
"What happened?what've I done wrong?I've hurt myself a million times just to give see him smiling just for once,wasn't that enough?"
Suddenly I felt a strong grip on my wrist that dragged me to the corner of the dark kitchen and pinned me against the wall.
"Why did you lie?"I heard Lukas growl,still slobbering on each and every syllable.
"What?When?"
"Don't fucking try to fool me.I know very well that you like Andy,fuck no,you love Andy." He said and gripped my collar.
"N-no I-I D-don't." I looked away from his sharp gaze.
"See,ha! You're shuttering.Ryan,I'm not a fucking idiot like the rest of them.you are clearly playing with your brain and Andy's heart,but lemme tell you one thing,this game isn't like others.here,the winner of the game loses everything,things that never even belonged to them.just stop fucking lyin' and..."
I was so frustrated that I pushed him off me with a jerk and he nearly stumbled on the floor.
"Just shut the fuck up.you guys are making me sick!Just fuck off and let me live my life!"I screamed and wondered whether anybody else had heard us.
"You ain't livin' it bro,you're wasting it."he smirked and walked away but I couldn't care less.I quickly hopped and rushed towards Andy's room.I knocked on the door twice but there was no answer.the only sound that filled the place was that of heavy breathing.I knocked on the door onec again,this time hearing a clear whimper coming from the other side of the door
"Rye,I'm not feeling well..Please I don't want to talk to you and I'm fine.just go away." Andy took numerous audible laboured breaths within a few seconds.I decided to break into his room for I was unable to leave him breathless like that.
"Oh g-god! I t-told you n-not to come in.w-why don't y-you never listen t-to me.w-why are y-you al-always like that?" I could clearly hear his breathlessness,I felt like he was going to choke to death right infront of me and I panicked even though this wasn't something new to me.I've encountered Andy's panic attacks before but this time,I felt his stubborness overpowering his desire to live.I quickly grabbed his inhaler and a bottle of water that was lying on the table and knelt down to him.he didn't even bothered to look up,he kept on muttering 'go away' time and again and curled himself,desperately scratching his wrist causing it to bleed.I grabbed his hands in mine and put it on my chest,a thing that had always helped him to regain his breath.
"Shh shhh!Focus on my breathing...."I said while stroking his hair.suddenly,he screamed "no!" With all his strength and pushed me away from him.I was shocked to death.I've had never seen Andy behave like that before.I again crawled  close to him and whispered "just take your inhaler and I'll promise I'll go." I tried to force the inhaler in his mouth but he jolted it out with a jerk.
"G-go away.I D-don't need you.you
c-certainly D-don't ne-need m-me.we are be-better off a-alone." He said and pushed me even harder this time which caused me to land me on my back.

"The harder you push me,the closer I'll come to you.the more you'll hurt me,the more I'll love you.even if you'll kill me,I'll still be alive for you."
My heart spoke to itself.I knew my words were meaningless,but since when love started holding a meaning?

Andy was frustrated.he was stubborn.he was angry.he was anxious.he was shivering.he was quivering.but most importantly,he was dying.his breathing was becoming less numerous until it became merely noticeable like the puffs of winds that surrounded us.I jumped at him and shook him with all the strength that was left in my body.
"ANDY!ANDY!" I said and tried to pick him up.he,in turn screamed at the top of his lungs "go away" and when I refused to loosen my strong grip on his shoulder and his wrist,he threw the nearest object that was beside him,a chunk of the glass that he'd previously broken,which pierced through my forearm and my grip on his wrist became weak.I winced and whimpered in pain.I bit my inner cheek to prevent myself from making more chaos,I didn't want to make Andy feel more uncomfortable than he already was.Andy looked at me with shock,tears flooded in his eyes,his breathing started becoming normal again.I smiled at my victory while he still cried over what he had done.
"I'm s-sorry" he calmed down and I handed him the inhaler with a smile.He stood up and pulled me to his bed without saying a word.he pulled out the glass from my forehand and blood flooded all over my torso.I winced in pain and he looked at me with tears falling down his cheeks.
"Why Ryan?Why?.Why are you doing this to yourself?why are you staying close to me when you know that I'm a fucking grenade?"
I continued smiling at him while he continued tearing up everytime I lost my sensation.I felt no pain whereas he winced everytime it should've hurt.
"R-ryan,please go...Please go away from me.I am okay but you won't be if you'll spend a bit more time with me.Rye,you're mistaking me to be the waves,but I ain't the waves,Ryan,I can't even return the love that you give me,I'm a whirlpool,I'll engulf everything that comes near me.Rye,please go away."he said,his voice as numb as a winter night.I took his hand in mine,kissed his knuckles and then left the room.

Andy thought that I left him.he thought I wasn't able to hear the whimpers that left his mouth but he was wrong.I was sitting infront of his door in the piercing cold,wearing just a blood-soaked T-shirt.I didn't feel cold,I felt mentally exhausted.I kept myself awake till I wasn't able to hear anything behind the door and then I fell asleep to the melody of the silence.

"It's strange how pain is sometimes a word,sometimes a feeling,sometimes an experience but never a relief.how can I make you believe that I ain't living with pain,I AM living because of pain?it is the only thing that made me realise that this breathing corpse is still alive.Ryan,I've always wanted you to be the only one to caress my cheek but sadly,the tears have already taken your place and they always will,till I am unable to cry anymore.

If only I knew how you felt,
I would've found a better way with which I would've dealt.