SCRIBBLES {Under Revision}

chapter 15

I asked myself the real meaning of pain.What is pain?Do I know it?I've surely heard of it and I've surely talked about it...but have I ever felt it? Ofcourse I did...I must've...But when?When did I ever feel pain?Did I feel it when I fell of the bicycle for the first time?Did I feel it when I was grounded for a month for failing my classes?Or did I feel it when I had a 16 hour long concussion?Did I ever?I think not... I've never felt pain in my entire life,I've only been hurt.
why can't I take half of his pain.is half of his pain too much for me..I think so..When I look into his eyes,why can't see the times they have crinkled when he smiled? Why do I have to see the times when they've bled the sadness?when I look at his lips,why can't I see the them curled up in a smile?Why do I have see them let out a shattering sob?When I look at his arms,why can't I feel them wrapped around my body?Why do I have to see them bleed till they're unconscious?If there's someone who really decided everyone's fate,then why did he do this to Andy?What did Andy do to him?
I wanted to take away his pain but I wasn't sure if I was brave enough for that.I knew that his eyes ran out of tears.therefore,he forced his skin to cry instead.

"Jeez,why're you crying silly!" Andy said while rubbing off my tears.I couldn't control myself anymore.I snaked my arms around his neck and collapsed on his chest.I wanted to appear strong in front of him,I wanted to be strong for him but I realised that he had enough strength for the both of us.I didn't care if my weight was too much for him 'cause I had already figured out the he was stronger than anyone I've met,anyone I've imagined.
He kissed my forehead and kept rubbing my back while I cried on his lap.he didn't ask me to stop crying.perhaps,he knew,better than anyone else,that its better to let out than bottling up.If only he'd done what he'd known!
Since I was a kid,I had always forced my body to be the strongest.but the thing I didn't know was that the stronger my body got,the weaker my heart became.I never imagined myself to be crying in someone's arms whom I was meant to protect.I didn't hurt my ego though,cause it had been shattered a few minutes ago.
My soft whimpers harmonized with Andy's breathing which left me spellbound.I had to break the spell,cause I didn't want to push myself into the embrace of another curse,another illusion.
"Please do-don't leave m-me alone,please A -andy....I can't live wi-without you..." My body hissed in pain.though I couldnt see him,I felt him chuckle,his chest showed an un-syncronised movement.

"Silly!Why would you be alone?You have the other boys',your family,your significant other who must be waiting for you.you have your whole life..There's no reason you'll be alone." He whispered in my ear while he kept playing with my hair.
I accumulated all my courage and forced myself to look into his eyes.the morning sunshine entered the room through the half-closed blinds and they created a halo near his face.I couldn't help but appreciate his beauty.he's like a mirror,which,inspite of being broken,reflected the beauty of the world.
"There's a difference being alone and being lonely and I think that you must be aware of it...Tell me,And,aren't you?"
"Yes,I am.I wish that others were too.."his smile faded.he rubbed my cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater,when his scars decided to peak through the sleeve.I couldn't help but stare at them,a scribble with millions of unwritten stories,just like a fallen leaf who has seen that intimidating side of the sun which is unseen to the others.
He must've noticed me staring at them and so,he pulled his sleeve down and moved his arm away from me.

"Please don't h-hurt y-yourself;please..I want you,no,I f-fucking need you..Why can't you understand that..Is it too much to ask?..Please,I want you to hold my hand,I want you to walk me through the darkness while I'll protect you from the cold..I-I promise.." my voice sounded shakier than before.I wondered if he was able to get even a word that I carelessly mumbled.

"Who told you that I wouldn't?I would..If I could...Rye,I want to tell you the truth,honestly,I don't feel like a person anymore,I'm a problem.look at me in the eyes and tell me,how will you feel if you had to see your abuser everywhere,everyday?"
I stared at him.I wanted to speak but the numbness took over me.
"You've nothing to say I see.well,if you feel that seeing your abuser is upsetting,then think about me,I'm trapped within my abuser.I swear that I'm not insane,please believe me...I'm not mad..I'm not trying to kill myself,I'm trying to live..I promise.I would never want to kill myself.I love my body but my brain hates it..It makes me do things that I never want to..No,I'm not blind to what's happening outside my body,my vision is not affected.its like I'm locked in a room with only one glass window.at first,I tried to run away by breaking the window but everytime I tried,I ended up with just a few cracks.the more it cracked,The more desperate I became.the desperation to escape got to such a point where I ended up punching the window in order to break it.It didn't break though,instead,it made me bleed.Rye,the desperation has now engulfed me.I keep on punching the glass but instead,I keep on hurting myself.I know ryan,that in an attempt to escape,I'll bleed to death.no,it's not me who's hurting my body,it's the hope of getting better that's doing it.I want to live,trust me,I want to feel loved.I want to hug my mum like I do when I go home after months of distance.I know she loves me.last christmas,when she accidentally saw these scars,she became worried as hell.she told me 'it took me 9 months to create your heart,don't let anyone break it in seconds.' immediately I knew that she must've thought I did it because someone broke my heart.'young people's problem ' as they refer..I wanted to tell her that it wasn't so,I was not sad because of a fucking break-up,I was sad because I was broken.but you know what,I didn't say anything because according to people,a destroyed heart is thousand times better than a destroyed body,init Ryan?
Rye,I do really love my father,trust me,I do.I forgive him for leaving me and my mom alone when I was just 12.he's the person who taught me that it's okay to dream.he taught me to love music and he's the reason why I'm here.I forgive him for not taking to me after their divorce.when I first stepped inside the music industry,he was the one whom I called.I called him to tell him that even though I wasn't a part of his life anymore,I made his dreams come true.he never picked up my call though.he changed his number a thousand times but I still managed to get them from his daughter,claire.I still have his number but I don't have the courage anymore."

"And what about me?d-dont you love me?Am I nothing to you?Will you stay if I'll ask you to?Tell me And,will you?Do you love me enough for that?" I couldn't help but feel angry at him.he still loved his father,the guy who could never give him the love he deserved,the guy who never thought of him,the guy who used to change his numbers so that Andy couldn't contact him, but he couldn't love me.

He smiled at me and my anger immediately faded away. this is the effect he had on me-he made me feel vulnerable yet strong.

"I love you Rye,seriously.heck,I must say that I love you the most. But Rye I'm not running away from you,I'm trying to save you from the hurricane called Andy.I do want to stay and I do want to live.I want to walk with you and I want you to hold me.I know that I mean much to you but trust me Rye,I shouldn't be worth it.you must look for happiness,not for disappointment.how can you be sure that a person who hurts himself would never hurt you,a person who doesn't cares about himself can take care of you?Just listen to me once,please leave me to myself,trust me,you won't regret it.and stop crying like a baby.."
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His head was lying on my chest and our legs were intertwined.we had spent the past few hours conversating with each other,not through words but through tears.I guess it was a bit tiresome for both of us for we had no energy to pull up another argument.
"Andy?"
"Hmmm?"
"Tomorrow's your birthday..So...Where do you wanna go?I wanna take you somewhere...somewhere special."
He smiled and rubbed his cheek against my chest.
"Take me somewhere peaceful where no one will judge me.can you?"
"I'll try"
"If you can't then I'll have to go there myself" he joked.
It was probably 8 am but both of us had no desire to get up from the bed.Andy didn't fall asleep,he kept on tracing his fingers,a bit rough from playing guitar,through my skin which made me feel like I was loosing control,once again.
"Rye?"
"Yes and?"
"Can you sing to me?"
And I did.honestly,I didn't sound good at all.Infact,my voice sounded crappy because of crying for the last few hours and it broke and cracked every second but still,he managed to find something soothing in my totally-fucked-up voice and he feel asleep,his hands resting on my back.
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Hey guys...So I just wanted to say that this chapter is actually a filler for the next chapter
Warning:there's gonna be a lot of drama...