Seductive Vibrations Book Five To Six

Book Five Chapter Four

Walking back to the bed, I open the drawer, pulling out the pills I take my daily dose, I don't know why though. They don't help every now and then I feel amazing joking, laughing, yet inside I am dying, and I can't keep fighting it. 

I shouldn't be alone tonight, but I don't want to pull the guys away from their family, I shouldn't do that so close to us leaving, looking around this house I wonder if all the decisions I made these last ten years were right. 

How did I go from smiling with Alena within my mind, to now having nothing but darkness and scary thoughts, dark, melancholy plaguing my mind and trying to make me do something I shouldn't?

 I look at our wedding photo, I can't do that to Maria, no matter how down I am feeling, I can't do that to her. I still remember the last time, waking up in hospital, her by my side her face broken, soaked from tears because I was selfish, trying to take the coward's way out. Her words still loud within my mind.

"Do I mean so little to you, do you really love me so little you would do this, you would leave me alone wondering why you hate yourself so much that you couldn't even fight and stay for me?" I had hurt her more than anyone in her life ever has, and all because I could not fight those demons within my own mind. 

I feel like hiding away, yet I also feel like I should be around people, my brothers are always there for me when I feel like this, I don't want to burden them so close to the mission though, I need to sort my head out before then, without bringing them down with me. Sitting on the bed, hours passing me by while I just watch the world pass around me, wishing this life didn't exist this is my way of being free. 

I can just sit here and pretend this isn't life, this isn't me, and none of this is real, a dream I am sure I will wake up from sooner or later. Night time is here, the room getting darker, closing my eyes I fall asleep, I will just stay here, hidden away until Maria gets home. 

Waking up, it is bright, ignoring the clock, I roll over and close my eyes, forcing myself to fall asleep, to rid my mind of these demons that plague me and want to kill me. The feeling of the bed moving waking me, Maria is sitting next to me looking worried, I was hoping I would be feeling better when she got back, but apparently not. Smiling, I act like I am fine, it is all I can do anyway.

"So, did dickhead remember to please my pussy?" I look at her laughing, she shakes her head, clearly not fooled by my jokes, she is the only one who can see straight through me to the truth.

"Have you really stayed in this bed for over twenty-four hours Marcus? Don't joke, I am not stupid, why would you not tell me how you were feeling when I asked you last night? You know I wouldn't have left you if you did" 

She is concerned, I knew she was and my jokes made no difference in changing that.

"I won't spoil your night because of my mind, I love you Maria and I don't want you to stop what you do to come to make me feel better" 

Pulling her to me, I kiss her, her arms unfastening my shirt slowly, her lips kissing my neck, was I a fool for not wanting just her, looking at her now I feel like I was, I should have been happy and let my past go.

"Come on, staying in bed won't help Marcus, get up I will cook, you need to eat" She tries pulling me up, my weight too much for her to move, looking at her I realise now how lucky I am to have her. 

Can things change? Can I tell her I don't want to share? I know I can't now, if I do she will think it is because I don't have Rebecca, but I will, soon I will tell her I love her too much to share her. She gets off the bed, standing next to it, sitting up quickly my arms wrap around her legs, cuddling into her.