The Rising (final book of The Call series) ~ TMNT Fanfiction

Chapter 4: Paddleboat

We don't do Recluse Day for the first time in eleven years. Everyone notices, but nobody says anything about it. We can't have Recluse Day without Benj.

I sit at the dining room table scribbling on a piece of paper. Nobody speaks. Mom is writing responses to all the condolence cards and Rose is watching the news, which is turned down so low that I can't be sure that she's actually watching it. It's a bad habit in our family to turn on the television, not because we want to watch it, but because we can't stand having it absolutely dead silent.

"When does CTU ask you to move into the dorms?" Mom asks quietly, glancing up from the cards. I've started to reach out more to Mom. Sometimes, I manage to speak more than a few sentences, which is a huge improvement. But none of us speak all that loudly; our voices have seemingly had the volume turned down.

"I should be there in two weeks at the latest," I respond as I continue to scribble. Mom doesn't respond. I begin to assume that it wasn't even meant as a real question; she just wants someone to talk.

"When are you...um...when are you planning on leaving?" Rose asks softly from the couch. I tell myself not to glance over at her. I know that if I do, I'll instantly regret my answer which is "As soon as possible."

Being at home feels like I am always drowning. Everything reminds me of Benjamin. I always feel like we are tip-toeing around each other. It hurts all of the time and never stops.

"I don't know." It's the answer I've been answering to most of the questions asked.

I don't know anything lately. Or maybe I never have, and I'm just now realizing it.

There is a knock at the door. From the corner of my eye, I can see Rose's head perk up. Mom doesn't glance over at the door and neither do I. Rose has been like a little kid on Christmas when it comes to visitors. She seems to need anything that would distract any of us from thinking about pain.

My sister is up and opening the door before I can tell her not to. Behind the door reveals a very tired looking Mallory and Noah. Actually, Noah is the one who looks tired. Mallory looks fine, besides the fact that her curly red hair is spiraling everywhere and sweat beads her head.

"Hey!" Rose says smiling, opening the door wider. "Come in."

I clench my fist up and fix my gaze back onto the doodles I've drawn. How can she be so happy after what happened to Benj? How can she smile like nothing is wrong? Does she even care at all?

It's been a few weeks, and it hasn't gotten any easier. In fact, I am angrier each day. I am angry at the world and at my family and at all of the people that I used to know for sure that I loved. Every day, I carry around that anger and maybe that's why I don't like to talk anymore; because I'm afraid that it's going to come out.

But then I turn towards my sister completely. She's smiling at Noah, who smiles down at her comfortingly. Mallory's frizzy hair and fashionable summer outfit and the air that is blasting overhead makes everything seem so terrifyingly normal. Then I realize something.

This is how Rose copes with it. She pretends like everything is the same, only one small (yet still very large) difference. She focuses on other things and other people. For instance, right now she is starting small conversation with Noah and laughing as she listens to his story.

That sounds exhausting, and the very last thing that I want to do. If I start pretending like everything is normal and I'm fine, then won't that mean that Benj is really gone? Won't that mean that I've accepted it?

Still, she does seem lighter for it. I could almost be convinced that her way of coping is actually more productive. I've been showing desolation to everyone and everything around me. I have been telling myself that it's to keep from breaking down again like I had when it all happened, but in response, I have just been closing down so deeply that I almost can't let myself feel anything at all.

But it's a habit and sadly, I feel like it will take hard work to break it. And I know that right now is an opportunity to start that hard work. I need to socialize. I need to talk to Noah and Mallory and maybe even adopt Rose's way of coping. But I feel like I have a ten-pound weight on my chest. I can't talk and smile and act like it's okay. I don't want to.

It's when Mallory approaches me cautiously that I finally decide to try.

"Hey Mal," I greet quietly, as I pull her into a hug.

She smiles softly and I force a smile. Even though I know that she's likely questioning its authenticity, I can tell that she's content to at least see a smile.

"It's great to see you." She doesn't ask how I am. She doesn't tell me that she's sorry about Benj. She doesn't even mention Recluse Day or college or the turtles. Instead, she grabs my hand and pulls me to the ground.

"We are here to have a Disney Marathon."

"Is that the only reason you came here? For HD television and air conditioning?" The joke tastes foreign on my lips, but it feels nice to have someone laugh at something I say.

"Noah, you're all techy and what not. Set this up," she orders, handing him the cords.

"What? You think that just because I'm smart and I like technology, that's automatically going to mean that I know what to do with a few tangled wires and a small box with electronic cards?" We all stare at him in silence, waiting for him to go on. He grins and looks down at the wires. "Oh man, of course I know how to set this up! It's actually one of my favorites." And that is the start of a ten-minute explanation of why he enjoys setting things up; an explanation which I zone out of when he starts reaching six-syllable words.

"Well, there you are." Noah presents, motioning to the screen which pops up onto our television. It lists a long series of shows that I vaguely remember from my childhood. I smile at the screen and glance over at Mallory.

"Awesome," she mutters, fumbling with the remote. "Now let's see..."

The next few hours are spent in the living room. I don't talk as much as I used to, but I'm really warming up to everyone. Mom sits at the dining room table pretty much the whole time, maybe making a comment here and there, but staying quiet overall. It's nice to forget for a while.

But I will remember eventually. And I'll have to move out eventually. And I'll have to talk to the turtles eventually. But these are things that I don't really want to do right now, or ever.

Right now, I want to stay exactly where I am. I want to stay sitting on the floor with Mallory, kicking Rose and Noah's feet every once in a while, as we watch Kim Possible with the fans blasting and Otter Pops freezing our hands. I want it to stay like this forever plus a day.

It's like we are on a paddleboat. It's nice as we sit there in the water, sitting as still as we can as we just watch the beauty of nature. There are very little bumps and turns in the boat, and it overall stays still. But eventually, we'll have to pick up our paddles, and row away. We'll have to row away to another problem and leave all the beauty behind. There will be wobbles and turns and as we paddle away, the boat may even turn over completely. At some point, I'll just throw the paddles down and wait for the boat to take me away to anywhere but here.

I'll never be in the same place again.