The Rising (final book of The Call series) ~ TMNT Fanfiction

Chapter 37: Reflection

Leo's POV:

There's a particular vile taste that you can't swallow. It's a taste in your mouth and a pit in your stomach. It's an over-heated feeling and a heaviness in your heart. It's where your heart seems to connect straight to the darkness in your stomach and you feel your very existence weighing you down. You can't eat. You can't drink. You can barely hear anything except for your own self-deprecating thoughts.

And for my own case, I can't forget how it feels to push a blade through somebody's back. To see their back go straight up in shock, and then have them collapse to the floor.

I can't look at my katana.

I stare up at the ceiling, lying limp on my bed. I've been in this position for a long time and can't bring myself to stand.

There is a knock at the door. I prepare for Mikey, or Donnie, or Raph.

"My son." Splinter's kind and gentle voice feels like a stab in the heart. Guilt washes over me again.

I can't reply. I can't even look at him.

"My son," Splinter says again. In my peripheral vision, I see him sit down. "Kneel before me."

I wait for a few moments, and then find the strength to move. I slowly make my way over to my father. My knees feel heavy as I drop them to the ground. I still can't look at him, until he specifically orders me to.

"What troubles you, my son?"

"I..." I croak, but can't seem to form words.

He waits.

"Father..." I mumble. "I've never killed anyone in my entire life. But I killed Melinda. I killed her. She didn't see it coming. I was right behind her."

"What was she doing?"

"She was..." I shut my eyes. "She was about to kill Lexi. She was leaning right in front of her, and had the knife in her hand. She was going to kill Lexi. Just moments away from it." I shake my head. "But it wasn't self-defense. I wasn't killing her to defend myself. I was killing her to defend Lexi."

"And you don't believe that this is the same thing?"

"Well..." I pause. "Master Splinter, I don't know what's right and what's wrong right now. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about it. I killed her. I killed someone."

"My son, you have experienced something very heavy. I can see that," Splinter says. "But you are letting guilt consume you. A guilt that accompanies your conscience. Your conscience tells you that killing is wrong. By no means am I trying to go against your conscience. I have taught you that it is wrong to kill someone who is defenseless." He pauses, and I look up at him. "But think of circumstances in war."

"I wasn't in a war."

"Were you not in a battle?"

I don't answer.

"Leonardo, you acted in dark bravery. But bravery nonetheless. I know it will take you much time to recover from this trauma, but you have no need to forgive yourself. For, I believe that if you had have allowed Melinda to kill Alexandra, you would never forgive yourself for that either." He puts his paw on my shoulder. "Leonardo...my son. I still love you. And even if you feel you have blood on your hands, time will heal you. All you can do is recognize the circumstances, and remain true to the values I've taught you. Do not make killing a habit."

"I won't, Master Splinter," I whisper. "Believe me, I won't."

He offers a small smile, and takes my hands. "Then we must be brave once more and move on. I will offer you the time you need to recover but don't forget that we are here to help you get through this ordeal. We are your family."