The Poison Of Your Love (Sweet Pea love story)

Back Again

I open my eyes and see a white ceiling.

I sit up and stretch.
Oh shit I think I'm late.

I check my phone and it's 8:17.

Fuck I give up already.
Yesterday was a full days work. I need to shop.
I need to get some furniture and a real bed. Maybe some food.

I go to the bathroom which has a old fashioned tub. I run the water to make the bathroom steamy.
I undress and look at myself in the full length mirror. 
The faint scar between my left hip and bellybutton makes my stomach quiver.
My gut fills with hatred and fear.
I could feel my throat restricting.

I look away.
I get into the shower and let the hot water wash away the coldness and fear. I take in the warmth and feel just a little less alone.
I stand in the shower for a few more minutes and get out. Since I have no soap to wash with.
I find a lonely white towel in the closet. I use it dry myself. I change into one of my black t-shirts and black ripped jeans. I lace up my converse and find my makeup.
I do my makeup lightly. And throw my hair into a messy bun.
I drink 2 cups of water before I head out. I take my wallet and my keys.

I start up my car and head to a furniture store.
I picked out a wine suede couch. 2 nights stands and a glass coffee table. With a vanity set.
They were all to be shipped and set up to my apartment at 10.
Next I bought a bed, that was more expensive than a car. So I used my black card for that. With some black silk sheets too.
I also went to Walmart and threw in whatever I wanted. Towels and bath products.
I made it back in time to see the shipping guys setting up my luxurious bed with my sheets.
When they left I gave them a tip of 230$
I laid down on my brand new bed and took a little cat nap.

💤💤💤💤

I woke to chime that rang through my apartment.

I ran to the door and looked through the peep hole
"Well I wonder who that is" I thought to myself

No one was there.

I am smart enough to know not to open my door if no one is standing there.

I walked back to my room and locked myself in.
I looked at my phone and it was 3:23.

Well that was creepy

Well I guess i could start getting ready for a night out.

I went to my huge walk-in closet and took notice to the fitted long sleeved shirt.
If I tuck it into the waist band of my high waisted jeans it would bring more curves to my already curvy body.
Throw in the red stelleto heels I bought today and i would look badass.

I hopped into the shower and washed away my insecurities with a jasmine body wash.

When I was done I did my makeup with glam. Singing to my fav song "let it blow by Cuban doll".
I finished with a red lip and blinding highlight.

When I looked at the time it was 7:57.
I still had a lot of time even tho I did my makeup very slow and precise.
I slid on my top and put on fishnet tights. I looked in the mirror and even this could pass as a dress.
I hopped into my black ripped jeans. I looked badass.
Because I had tights on, I ditched the red stelleto heels and just laced on my converse.
When I looked into the mirror for the last time, I felt different.
I suddenly didn't have the confidence to wear such sexy clothes on a body as fat as mine.
I about to take it off but I put so much effort to put it on...
I took my black bunny hug and put it on. It hid my shape and the clothes I had on under.
I quickly grabbed a few things and ran out the door before I could decide to just stay home.

I opened my car door and sat in the drivers seat.
I suddenly didn't feel like driving.
I sighed heavily
And it was back again.

I fucking hate this!!!!

That same feeling that got me like this in the first place. The feeling that I'll never be good enough, that I don't deserve to live like this.

Fuck!!!

Being cursed with living in thoughts and feelings but never in action. The feeling of being alone.
I was so lonely.
Just like a cycle of eternal sadness. I was back to being lonely.