Fell in love with a spy-mirage fanfiction (1) ✔️

Chapter 33| harm

My head.

It was going crazy with feelings and thoughts. It's extremely hard to keep them under control. Mirage had no idea, I didn't talk to him about it's driving crazy. I seriously wanted to slam my head into the wall, grab a knife, and cut myself. I had to do something, but I felt so weak. I had no idea why, but it felt like I had no energy left inside of me.
I wanted to sleep, but couldn't fall asleep or I had nightmares if I did.

Of course, Mirage forced me to rest. He didn't want me to talk about work. He refused to talk about it with me. "Mirage?" I asked he perked his head up from his position on the sofa. "Can you turn on the TV?" I asked. I was sick of laying her and I had to distract myself.

He got up and turned on the TV, handing me the remoter. "Thanks," I mumbled. "How do you feel?" He asked, crossing his arms. "I am doing better..." I said. "You're still weak, and I was talking about your mental health," he said. Of course, I knew he was talking about that. "I feel okay," I replied.
He studied me, it's impossible to lie to him. He's so clever and brilliant with reading someone's body language. In the past few months, I discovered a method to fake my feelings. The reason he was doubting my state now as well.

He sat back down, grabbing his phone again. He still hadn't given me any clothes which started to bother me. If he just left for a moment, I just wanted to be alone. For some reason, he knew I was going insane if he'd left.
I switched from channel and watched a movie. After a couple of hours, the TV didn't help me from distracting myself.
I started thinking about cases I worked on at the base, remembering dates, places, names anything to distract myself. Work is the only way to push my memories away. Mirage being a smart-ass knew this of course.

"Don't they miss you?"

The spy perked his head "no, they don't... I am sure they can handle it without me," he stated. "Have you finished the cases we worked on?"
He didn't respond. The fragger was ignoring me... again!
Every time I started about work he would ignore me. I grabbed a pillow and threw it at him but he caught it to my annoyance. He simply laid it aside and continued reading. I somewhere regretted I told him about the book I have written once. "Stop ignoring me!" snapped. He didn't respond again, he was very strict in not talking about cases or N.E.S.T in general. He wanted me to rest and I first had to talk before we could talk about work again. He was very determined to help me. I doubted this depression would ever go away, it became a part of me.

I kicked the sheets aside and got out of bed. This drew Mirage's attention. My ankle still hurt, I couldn't use it and it was at least twice the size of what it had to be. I collapsed as I tried to walk, my ankle couldn't hold me and the pain shot through my like fire. Mirage sighed as he knelt down, lifting my chin with his warm hand. "Stop! I am serious about it!" he said, his voice hard and strict. I had never heard it before, so, I guessed he was serious about it. Nevertheless, it didn't stop me from asking. "Then tell me... did you solve them or not! Why don't you just give an answer to this simple question?" I snapped.
His eyes were hard "Get some rest," he said, helping me up and pushed me on the bed. I groaned a little "We can not stay here forever, Mirage!" I said. "Well I decide how long we stay!" he shouted strictly, shutting me up.

"You're going to listen to me!" He hissed. "I want you to stop pretending everything is alright and lie to yourself and me!" He snapped. I flinched and looked away. "Now lay down!" He sneered. I laid down and watched "I don't want to hear a word coming from you! Clear!"
I gave a small nod and continued to watch TV.

That night, I couldn't sleep. Mirage was and he had turned his back towards me. He had been angry most of the day and his answers were grumpy. I sat up straight holding my head. It felt like I was losing my mind. I didn't want to stay here! I couldn't stay here!

I saw his knife on the night stand and grabbed it, cutting myself above my knee, my arms. To feel pain! I needed to feel pain.

I laid on my back, pain filled my body, but I felt numb. I could only stare into the thick black darkness that enveloped me.

The next morning, Mirage woke up and turned out. "W-what have you done!" He nearly shouted, sitting on his knees. "Cat!"
He threw the sheets away and grabbed the knife. "Why!? Why did you do this to yourself!" I looked in his eyes. "Skylar!"
"Don't use that name..."
"I will use that name if I want!" He said, getting up. He grabbed a towel and cleaned up the wounds. "Why? This will not help you!" He said. I didn't respond. "When did you do this?"

I didn't answer him and just watched the blood seep from the cuts. "If I was able to kill my self I would've done it! You said you hated to see me suffer, why don't you help me like you promised me?"
"Death isn't the solution! I am not going to kill you, Skylar!" He sneered. "Stop using my real name! That part of me died a long time ago!" I sneered. He got up and grabbed a rope. "What are you doing!?"
He forcefully grabbed my arms, tying my hands up to the headboard. "No! Don't!" I whimpered.

"Let me go!" I whined. He ignored and grabbed his phone. "You need stitches for that cut," he said. "Mirage!"
I knew who he was calling Ratchet.
Mirage walked off so I wasn't able to listen. He came back in about 20 minutes later. "You're hurting yourself by doing that," he warned as he watched me pull on the ropes. "Than release me!"

He shook his head "No... I can't," he stated. "You're hurting me!" "I am not the one that's hurting you, Skylar!" He stated. "Stop using my real name!" I groaned. He walked over to me. "Talk to me! Why did you do it?" He repeated.
"because you don't let me work," I said. "You refuse," I added. "Because it's the only thing that gives you sanity?"

"No! Because it's the only thing that makes me feel less worthless and it's the only thing I can. Beside that I am nothing more than a dumb animal!" I sulked, looking away. Dino grabbed my jaw "Don't ever day that again! That's not true!" He snapped.
"It is! Do you really think it's the first time they lock me up in a cage or treat me like an animal!" I snapped. "It's all my fault! Everything is my fault!"
"You didn't fail anything..." he said. "I failed you!" I snapped. I felt the tears sting in my and he saw it. He could clearly hear it in my voice too. "You didn't fail me..." he whispered as he lowered his face and nuzzled his nose with mine. A warm feeling spread through my body. I wish I could hug him and hold him.
"I am going to admit, you're stubborn, but so am I," he whispered, smiling. "You keep telling me... over and over that it's not my fault but this life isn't for me. I also know you would never kill me... but I want you to promise me something..."

He looked up, meeting me in my eyes. "If something happens and I am dying I want you to let me go..."
"I am not that strong..."

"I'd be so lost if you left me alone."

"Please..." I whispered. "I care about you... I care so much about you," he whispered, rubbing my head softly.

The medic arrived 2 hours later. I didn't feel any better though, I hated to be exposed like this. Ratchet handed Dino a bag of clothes, or I presumed it were clothes. Ratchet checked all the bruises and cuts, everything. I glared at Dino when he told Ratchet about the stretching. He gave me an injection. "You need to gain wait..." Ratchet finally said as he was done inspecting me. "I make sure she will..." Mirage said, rubbing the back of his head. I whimpered a little when he touched the scratch on my hip. "I have to clean that up... your injection will start working soon..." he said. I was fighting against the sleep, I didn't allow my body to fall asleep. Not again.

Mirage sat beside me, rubbing my head. "Don't fight it... go to sleep," he said. I shot him a glare "Make me!" I snapped. "She'll fall asleep in a minute..." Ratchet without looking at me. I hated the medic for being right, not even two minutes later, I fell asleep...