Thorns in the Heart

Big Burrito (Edit # 1)

Xori's POV

It has been about two and a half months since I blocked Ash on everything. I have struggled a little when something happens and all I want to do is tell him about it. It's so burdensome because he was such a major part of my life for about four and a half years. But it has also been perplexing because I don't have him trying to tell me what to do, or guilting me into talking to him. I don't know why I didn't cut him out sooner. It's as if there was this heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I never knew how much his nagging really weighed me down and made me so sluggish.

I catch myself laughing and smiling more, I'm living the life I imagined I would while in college. I've made some amazing friends and I go out to the beach and just enjoy being myself without something holding me back. I'm not being self conscious in a bikini because I'm scared of what he will think. At other times though, it's as if there is this voice in my head telling me that I should not be happy and laughing, that I shouldn't be wearing those clothes. I've hurt the man that I love and how could I keep going on like this? Like I never ripped a piece of my heart out of my chest? I shouldn't enjoy the beach sunsets, or the laughs when I'm with Nick, Kam, and Ember; when I hurt the one person that means the world to me, he was my best friend for so long. I even feel as if I'm going insane. There have been multiple occasions that I'm walking on campus and I swear that I see him. I see that blond curly hair and those chocolate brown eyes. Then I blink and he's gone again. There's no way he is here in California, right? We're 3,000 miles apart. He has school and work; there's no way that he could take time off to come here just to see me and not even see me. Just watch from a distance. I know that he is probably furious that I blocked him but he would never stoop so low as coming all the way here. Right? He probably knows it's time to move on. Or at least that's what I hope for him. He deserves to be happy.

I've been spending a lot of time with Kamilla, Ember, and Nick. I spend most of my time with them, whether that is eating meals, going to the beach, working on homework, or even sitting in silence. These three have become my rock. My solid ground, my grip on reality. When I start to drift away from reality they pull me back to earth, to live in the here and now. To enjoy my college life like I'm supposed to. I moved out here to have fun and experience the whole thing. More times than I can count they have pulled me out of a depression and helped me when I am distressed and all I can do is cry. All three of them voice their opinions, some more than others. *cough Ember cough.* Somehow they also know the moments when I need a distraction and the moments when I need my space. I have no idea where I would be without these friends that I've made. They've almost become my family, scratch that; they have become my family.

It is now Thanksgiving break and I'm looking forward to going home to see my friends and family. But I also really don't want to go home; I don't wanna bump into him by accident. Plus I need these three to help me through the inner turmoil that I have been facing about the whole situation. They seem to be the angel on my shoulder reminding me of how I deserve to be treated better. Although that's difficult to believe, because I see Ash on my other shoulder begging me to come back to him. And Ash drilled it into my head really good that we are meant to be and no one will ever love me like he does. He always told me I am the only one for him. He reminded me that he was the only one that would want me. Who else would love me the way that he does? Who could love my flaws like him? Who would stay knowing every deep dark secret that I have? Ash. That's who.

Right now all four of us are lazing around on the beach soaking up the warm sun and taking a break from homework. We had finals this past week and that has been stressful on all of us. The only thing we've done this week is homework, go to class, and eat. We've barely gotten any sleep. On top of the tests that we've had to take we have papers that are due this upcoming Sunday. Since we have all finished the exams we decided that a break was what we needed. I sit up on my towel and glance at my friends. Wondering if I should speak what has been weighing on my mind for a while.