Hearts within Me

The day i see you again (part 2)

"H-Hello?" I held the phone tightly as my hand began to tremble.

"2D I-is that you?"

"Yess it's me Muds where are you? I was so happy to hear that he knew who I was I thought he'd forgotten me.

"Are you okay? How are you and the babies are they okay?"

"T-they are fine and I'm fine what about you."

"2D they wouldn't tell me anything they wouldn't tell  me how you were doing or where were you I thought you were going to die I was so fucking scared I'm soo sorry I'm soo fucking sorry I can't believe what I did I couldn't forgive myself if anything happened to you! I can't forgive myself."

"M-Murdoc what are you talking about? You didn't do anything I fell down the stairs on my own my mom explained everything to me already."

"I caused it, I cause you to do it, it was me it's all my fault! Don't you remember? Don't you remember what I did to you!" By then he was sobbing on the phone miserably and I couldn't feel his pain I didn't know what was going on and at this point I was extremely lost I didn't know what to think anymore.

"Murdoc what really happened to me? I'm so confused I don't understand."

"I though they would tell you but I'm guessing they didn't they wouldn't let me see you in the hospital or the babies I would have died if anything happened to you or them and I felt to guilty and I miss you soo much and I love you and the kids."

I felt like Murdoc was avoiding the question so I asked again. "I don't want to talk about it 2D it's too painful but I told you it's my fault and that's all you need to know I don't want you to forgive and I don't expect you to I'm just so glad you all  okay."

"I'm tired of people not telling me anything I deserve to know what happened to me I'm tired of people treating me like a child."

"Your not a child 2D." He was crying even more and it was breaking my heart I knew when he cried it was sincere. "I wish I could explain everything to you but it ain't easy I'm not trying to hide anything from you just the fact that your alive and the babies are well is something to focus on for now I don't know if I'll ever see you again or my kids I want everything to go back to normal but it won't and if you knew what really happened I'm sure you'd want to stay away from me I love you soo much and I want you to be happy but it ain't gonna be with me 2D I can't keep hurting you, you nearly died because of me and ever sense I met you I've done terrible things and I still can't move past that so I feel it's best I let you go."

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What do you do when your life falls apart what do you do when you don't know what to do? What was keeping us apart why couldn't we just be happy like we wanted to. I'm scared I don't know how I would be able to move on from this especially with two babies but as of now I was so desperate just to feel anything. ....To just feel anything... to just feel love...

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"Stuart, are you okay?" He was leaning against the door entrance to my bedroom I could see John through the reflection of the window I was facing. I didn't say anything I was crying silently on the bed as my head leaned against the bed board. "I know you really want to go home, I'm sorry but if that's what you want I can't stop you I can't hold you here forever but I just want to help I've been apart from you for so long I don't want to loose sight of you ever again I did for a split second and you got hurt pretty badly you almost died, I-I just want to protect you."

I closed my eyes slowly just trying to relax and clear my mind for a bit it wasn't till I felt the bed dip beside me, then I opened my eyes. "Are you going to say anything Stella?" I looked at him slowly I was angry, angry at him, at Murdoc, my parents they all treat me like A child and I hated it. "Stop babying me soo much I don't need you to protect me I don't need anyone to come around here and enable me I don't need a baby sitter." I could feel him staring at me and I wish he stopped. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel that way I just wanted to help you that's all I ever wanted to do is be there for you I know your going through soo much and I thought you just needed support or a friend." I looked at him slowly I felt bad and I shouldn't have lashed out at him he just wanted to help me but I was just tired of feeling useless like I didn't know anything. "I'm sorry I think I'm just depressed now I don't know what happened to me or what's going to happen I feel like I'm trapped here and I might be for a while because you and my parents are afraid of telling me the truth I haven't seen my husband and my son haven't met him yet and I miss my band mates and I miss my home I want everything to go back to normal." I felt his hand touch mines and he held it tightly. "I'm selfish." He whispered to me. "I want you all to myself I never wanted anyone else to have you and that's exactly how I've felt ever sense I've met you I wanted to protect you to be with you always even so we were never gonna be more than friends and just being your friend isn't enough but I'm grateful and that's why I never gave up looking for you." I looked into into the blue of his eyes they were like waves crashing over me his masculine voice was strong and determined, his American accent was firm and it always brought attention as I gazed over at his hair that rested on his shoulders. He's beautiful especially when he's sad. "I felt like I should have told you sooner especially when you came back into my life but I don't think I ever wanted to either it was a secret I had to take with me because you were married and pregnant at that and I realized that, I was too late... and if I were to say I don't think Murdoc is even right for you he doesn't deserve you and I wanted to kill him with everything he's done to you, I could never forgive him for hurting you and that's something I could never do to you either." I didn't know what to do I didn't know if I wanted to keep crying or just not say anything anymore. "Your not selfish I know you, your the kindest and caring person I know and if you were selfish you would have tried to separate us but that wasn't your intention at all you just wanted to help me and find me again so no, your not selfish you just want to paint yourself as the bad guy but your really not." I felt his touch as he embraced me I could feel his breath against my neck he was warm and this is exactly what I needed what I wanted what I craved. "I talked to Murdoc today." He looked at me slowly. "He wouldn't tell me what happened to me but I was hoping you would, I need it to know because my marriage depends on it."