Hearts within Me

Everything that life becomes

It's been a month since we visit my parents house the bond between me and Richard has become just like it has since our high school years and a lot of things has happened in just a whole month I found out that I was to deliver in a month from now so Richard and the family has been helping me prepare for it we announced my pregnancy to the world and also released Humanz. People began asking questions about me being able to get pregnant in the first place the press conference was held and we explained it to everyone even Richard was there to help me along the side of Murdoc's support. keeping my gender and who I truly was hidden from people throughout my whole career was very difficult but seeing how the critics attack Murdoc was another because of it, it caused Murdoc to be hit with guilt the first interview was a nightmare for him and I remember he explained it to me when he got home how the interviewer put him on the spot about hitting me and abusing throughout my early years in the band and turning out that I'm a woman it made it worse. He felt guilty and disgusted in himself and he apologizes to me every day since I know he meant it but after the articles, social media, and talk shows got involved it began to drive him mad his behavior changed and instead of being much around he was off to local pubs to get drunk. They were plenty of time were I tried to talk to him but every time I tried he would turn me away eventually he became violent and aggressive most of the times their were aggressive words or slamming things around it got so bad that I had to move in with Richard, Russel and Noddle stayed at my parents house for a while and Murdoc on his own theirs times I wanted to see him but Richard wouldn't allow me because he believed it wouldn't be safe for me to go on my own most of the times he's working at the hospital so he doesn't have time to go with me. He told me that he would when he's done. I haven't seen him in a week and I was worried about him he hasn't answered any of my calls or texts and I wanted just as bad to see him so I left I took one of Richard's car and drove myself there he lived an hour away but I managed to get there in less than an hour I drove past the house and parked the car on the street I could see the Winnie was outside so I had my hopes up that he was inside I crossed the street carefully and made it in front of the house walking up the steps I pulled the keys out of my pocket and opened the door closing it behind myself. The house was completely dirty with trash everywhere, cigarettes buds, and bottles of rum. I walked around the house looking for him, calling out his name as I made myself up the stairs I walked in the bedroom and there he was laying on the bed with a bottle of cheap beer in his hand he looked terrible with dark bags under his eyes, his hair was shabby, he needed a bath and a shave.

"Murdoc?" I called from the doorway he didn't budge so I made my way closer to him. "Muds it's me your wife, c-can you hear me." Murdoc looked at me slowly and nodded. "Good, let's get you cleaned up okay." He didn't say anything but he didn't refuse either. I helped him up out of bed and took him to the bathroom sitting him on the toilet seat I ran the tub with hot water adding the body wash in it as the bubbles began to appear. Murdoc was in a haze he didn't look like himself and I regretted telling the world about myself because of it Murdoc isn't in the right mind and he's losing control over himself. He groaned when I helped him remove his clothes I could tell he was in pain in his heart and his body for neglecting it I could tell he hasn't eaten any food in two weeks and he's been relying on alcohol I wonder how he isn't dead yet.

I grabbed a hold of the luffa washing Murdoc's body carefully, then I shampooed and conditioned his hair, I shaved his stumble and dried him off when I was done. I held him by the hand leading him to the bedroom sat him on the bed getting him dressed in a regular black T-shirt and a pair of black and white striped shorts. I lotion his body and trimmed his nails on his hands and feet I almost smiled to myself because Murdoc wouldn't have let me done this to him if he was sober but he's so vulnerable now anything could happen when he's like this. I helped him on the bed slowly and covered him up with the blankets. I could see him looking at me and for a moment I thought he didn't know who I was but he started to cry and that made me feel so sad he still felt so guilty and I could see it on his face. "I'm sorry." He said softly as he held my hand squeezing it. I watched him as he drifts to asleep he slept for a long time and maybe for the first time in two weeks. I cleaned the house, made him tea, and two ham sandwiches I set them on the counter along with a note that read.