causers of this | tyler, the creator [+18] | semi-hiatus (???)

picture me rollin'

The five months I was gone, I was on the road working for Chris and promoting his Between the Sheets tour. The crew welcomed me with open arms even after hearing about everything that happened...

Frank had the nerve to question my loyalty and accuse me of sleeping around on him, even after everything we'd been through together and the promises we made to each other. It was ironic that he'd spent years convincing me that he was in it for the long haul, that things would be different than my last relationship only for this one to end just like it. Depression changed him for the worst. He became distant. Irritable. Paranoid that everyone was out to get him, including me. The only thing that comforted him at rock bottom was drinking, and I didn't want to compete against his addiction for his love. I knew I would lose.

Imagine, standing on a cliff fully prepared to jump.

Shit really took a turn for the worst on my birthday last year. I didn't even want to celebrate it because I wasn't happy. But against my better judgement, I planned everything with my best friends Kacie and Alex, hoping that giving myself something more positive to focus on would help me be the person he needed me to be at that time.

He dealt with being around them then more than ever - never liking the way they seemed to see past his bullshit. But when it came to anything dealing with Chris...

It became clear to me that he wanted me to cut ties with everybody he didn't like, especially my friends since they were connected to Chris.

He was always super petty and vindictive about that ongoing situation, even more so after we made it official. And every time I tried to mediate between them or get him to understand what my friends meant to me it didn't do anything but cause arguments.

He showed up to my party half-dressed, already drunk and looking for trouble. He had been drinking a lot then as a way of dealing with firing the Clancy's as his management, losing his label management, being served with back to back lawsuits, even from his own father, watching his career hang in the balance... he was spiraling into a darkness he couldn't be saved from. Not even by me.

I was trying desperately to love him through it. Trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. To see our potential together. But the man I fell in love with all those years ago was gone. And the one whose eyes I woke up to were empty.

That hurt me. Frank was morphing into the same type of person he always said he would protect me from and it was triggering.

I'd been in a relationship like this before...

He spent his whole time there being unapproachable to my guests, snapping and saying things he knew he shouldn't say. Toward the end of the party, I was tired of doing the most intense form damage control I've ever had to deal with and pretending everything was okay.

Chris managed to catch me right in the midst of my breakdown, knowing something was wrong. I slid into a nearby women's bathroom and into a stall, sitting on one of the toilets with tears and makeup running down my face.

Frank must have saw us from his spot at the bar and decided to follow, stumbling in. I couldn't even look at him for long without feeling ashamed of who he was allowing himself to become.

He was a mess.

Adding insult to injury, Frank went pointing his accusing finger and raising his voice, having the audacity to say he knew something was going on between me and Chris.

Drunk mouths tell sober thoughts.

I was heartbroken. To hear he actually felt I could hurt him like was enough to completely disconnect me from the wonderland we were just in months before.