New Home

Chapter 4: Move on? So hard.

I woke up from a dream I wish is not.

I'm staring before the ceiling on the same bed I'm into, at my dream. Tears dripping of onto my cheeks, and then, on its way to the pillow. 

"How are you darling?" my grandmother inquires. Her face is painted with too much concern and worry, and I can feel her body shaken as she released the words.

I did not respond. Instead, I sat up on my bed and then, looked at her who is disturbed by my sudden movement. She holds my hands and tears start to fall down again. I grabbed her to hug and tried my very best to hide my face against her shoulder.

"It's okay. It's okay. Just let it out." she convinces

I wasn't speaking, but I did all the crying. I'm starting to feel the lost of too much water in my body already. She keeps on caressful rubbing my back and keeps on whispering: It's okay.

I really don't know how can she manage to say those two difficult words. All I know is I can't be okay and I won't be.

Finally, she pushed me so she's already holding me (on my shoulder caps) and stared at me, so we're face to face. "Everything will soon be okay. We're just here for you."

I wiped off my tears and words finally came out from my mouth. "I don't understand. Why does it have to happen? Why?" I sob.

"I don't know too, honey. But everything happens for a reason, I just don't know what could be his (God's) reason." she says without any pause, but I know she's very much confused more than me.

"Why them? Why not just me? Why he not just included me? I rather wanted to die than to live without them anymore." I cried out, this time holding my face so I could keep it from her.

She doesn't say any word anymore. She went out and I'm left all alone in the big room.

I heard sobs, screams which they tend to become whispers, and short silences after each sentence they're making. 

--

After almost a week, I have been discharged from the hospital. Together with my parents' and brother's bodies. 

I am at the back part of the van, watching outside, peacefully. Grandpa's looking straight forward along the way. Grandma's having a conversation at the phone, with the funeral management. 

I haven't seen them since that time I saw them in the morgue. I don't know if I can still do it. I don't know how. And I just can't.

The engine of the van finally stopped. We were in front of our home. 

We were at the living room when Grandma cuts the silence in me and... in this house. "Are you sure you're okay, Riley?"

I wasn't looking at her at the very moment but I nodded anyway. "I just want to rest."

"Okay. I'll call you for dinner."

I went to my room. I don't know if I'm able to rest or I'm currently trying to be depressed.

I sat at the grand bed and everything seems so... unusual.

Very unusual...

It's too quiet. 

Supposedly, Mom's already cooking for dinner, Dad's having his favorite television showed airing at the very hour. And Josh... I can hear his footsteps and loud noises passing onto my room's door, trying to distract me from painting. And I'll be here... working on my imagination.

But I just can't right now. 

 "The dinner's ready!"

--

"The vegetables will help you gain weight. You need your proteins. We don't want to lose another part of the family again at the time being." he acknowledges while keeping his jaw busy masticating his food.

I stared at him for the moment. "I am full. I just want to go to bed."

"Riley, you need to eat. Your parents and your brother will never like to see you that way." she collapses, bringing her hand folded into mine, TOTALLY convincing me.

I'm not just in the mood to eat. I'm not just into the mood of having  a conversation with anyone still. And so I went, frowning, "If you want me to totally get over with my drama, just take them off from your mouth. And please don't expect me I could easily get through of it." I stopped. I've been out of control now. I need to stop being this character. "But right now, I. JUST. REALLY. WANT. TO. GO. TO. MY. BED."

I don't know what happens next. I just want to close my eyes and re-imagine everything.

I wish I could turn back the time.

I wish I didn't able to finish my artwork, so we won't be able to go and involved in that accident.

How I wish, we didn't coincide with that ten-wheeler truck.

How I wish they were here right now.

The ones whom I spent my dinner with.

I just wish they were still alive.