A Journal Entry by Taylor
September 1st
Well, guess who showed up at work today.
Harry-fucking-Styles, the one and only.
I still feel like my body is ablaze. I can't still hear his voice, and I can still see the torment in his eyes, when he was looking at me.
I'm still so angry with him, really. A part of me genuinely thinks this thing could be over, because it really should be. It's always been wrong, and quite frankly— toxic as hell. You're not supposed to have regulated sex with someone you also kind of hate. You're not supposed to get attached and start thinking they'll never hurt you, because they absolutely will. People do that.
I'm not innocent here, I know that. I've hurt him too. And it bothers me more than I thought it ever could.
Anyway. He gave me a journal. An almost exact replica of his own, brown leather (just without the drawings), good quality and very Harry.
He gave it to me, and put everything he wants me to know in it. The first set of pages are full of photos of him, printed out and stuck onto the pages.
He highlights his different ages, everything from age 1 to 20. He details stories underneath them, including one from when he was 16. A floppy haired 16 year old, he's smiling at the camera. He looks kind of dorky. Underneath, he writes about having sex for the first time later on in the night. He thought he got the girl pregnant.
There's a photo from age 7, with his sister and mom. Underneath it talks about his parents divorcing. I didn't even know that!
The most interesting one, however, is from age 20, the final photo. Wearing a dark blue tee, with Lover written on the pocket. He's standing beside Ed, clearly intoxicated. It was a February night — the night we met. I still remember it so clearly.
"The night my world changed. The night she buried herself inside my mind."
He wrote that underneath the pic.
What does that even mean? He means me, right?
We flirted that night, a lot. I don't know what brought it out of me, but I flirted like I was going to have sex with him. I flirted like I wasn't engaged.
I flirted like Cara hadn't warned me against him.
Maybe even then, I knew there was something between us.
The pages go on. There's lists. Lists of things about him, including a list of things he's scared of... heights, and failure. Being alone forever. Losing his mom. And, I quote, "Taylor never speaking to me again."
There's snippets of songs. One called "Sweet Creature." — "Sweet Creature, wherever I go, you bring me home."
One called "Only Angel" — "Broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door, I got splinters in my knuckles crawling across the floor, couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short, but I think that's what I like about it".
There's Woman — "I'm selfish, I know, but I don't ever want to see you with him, I'm selfish, I know, I told you, but I know you never listen."
And there's one full song. One proper full song with verses and a bridge. It's called, get ready... Just A Little Bit of Your Heart.
With the other songs, he never explicitly says anything more about them. But with this, he writes "About you."
My stomach is in knots. My eyes sting from crying.
He wrote me a song. Not just a song, a ballad. A really sad ballad.
"I can tell you were just with him."
"Cause I'm a fool for you."
"Just a little bit of your heart is all I want."
"I know I'm not your only, but at least I'm one. I've heard a little love is better than none."
Who writes like this? Harry Styles? Are you fucking kidding me? I feel blindsided. I feel like I know him less than before. But, also so much more?
YOU ARE READING
loveless // haylor au
Hayran Kurgu"sorry. i just had to know what you tasted like.' "was i what you imagined?" "no. much better." - in which harry and taylor are far from friends, but they can't seem to escape the other. they find a way to make it work, but it could very well rui...
