Duh!

Dear You

Dear you, 12/6/12

My life was nothing before I met you. I didn't live as normal as others. I imprisoned myself in my room, trying to rest so I could live longer. I'm weak, it's not a joke having this disease. I've already tried lots of treatment, but nothing cured me. Migrating to different places just to find a professional cardiologist but nobody healed me.

There's a chance, a chance which is hard to find. A transplant, a heart transplant. I kept on believing that tomorrow, there would be someone who would donate a heart for me. But time passed, I grew tired of waiting. I even tried to kill myself, because it was the only way I knew to escape, I'm a burden, nothing, useless.

Until I met you. You made me believe that my life is important. You loved me more than I deserved. You let me feel happiness that I haven't felt and experienced before. You just came into my life, kept on bugging me but you made me laugh, you made me happy.

I decided not to tell you that I was dying. I couldn't let that joy on your face gone. I don't want you to worry.

I couldn't forget that moment. It was the best moment for me because you said it was also the best for you. The moment I said "Yes, I'm already your girlfriend," you screamed out of nowhere. You couldn't hide the gladness inside as we're officially together.

You used to message me sweet messages. You showered me your love. You kept kissing me right on my forehead before you leave. You kept on telling me corny jokes that made me laugh for some reason. I love everything about you. I love your bunny smile, your cute nose, your scar on your left cheek, I love your chestnut brown eyes, and your golden attitude. I love the way you sing lullabies for me to sleep every night. I love you.

"I'll never leave you." You muttered right into my ear as I held the edge of your shirt tightly while watching a horror movie. I couldn't ever forget that.

You used to cuddle me, and you used to caress my hair. You made me feel that I'm the luckiest woman alive. You changed my beliefs. I was ready to die but time came and I'm already afraid of it. I couldn't imagine myself dead in front of you. I couldn't die because I don't want to leave you. I don't want to see you hurt. And maybe because I don't want to end this feeling, this blissfulness, this time having you beside me, this love.

You're my doctor. You can make my unwell heart beat faster. It was as if you injected a liquid to my veins called 'FELICITY." Do you still remember? When I put a fake cockroach on your bed, you screamed on top of your lungs as you saw it. You jumped repeatedly, hitting the fake cockroach with a shoe. Then suddenly your face turned blank as you realized it was fake. It makes me crack up so much whenever I remember it.

But one day, the day I was very afraid to happen came, the day I saw your beatitude fade away, the day I collapsed. You were scared as you saw me yowling because of the excruciating pain I feel. That day you knew my secret, the secret I've been hiding so much from you. You got mad at me for not telling you the truth and what made me love you more is when you said you couldn't stay angry at me for a minute.

"Why didn't you tell me?" you calmly asked as you held my hand, letting your tears fall through your cheeks. "Why are you crying? You're a man, aren't you?" I forced my lips to smile, refraining to weep as it's already welling in my eyes. Seeing you sad like this is already killing me inside.

"I can't live...without you." You put your hand on my lips, as you sobbed. "I'm not dead yet." Forcing myself to laugh, as I let my tears fall as it wanted.

"Three months, you only have three months." You continued to sob. I moved my hand and touched your face. I carefully wiped your tears and threw a little smile. Can you please stop crying my love?

We didn't waste any second. We seized every moment. We did everything we want to do even though my body was starting to become weaker. You were just sitting beside me, every time. I'm a confined patient, and you were my nurse. Not literally, but you didn't even stepped a foot away from me. You treated me like your I was indeed your patient and I was thankful you didn't left me.

"I love you." I uttered, bidding my farewell. You were shouting, as you saw me dying. "No, please don't! I can't... Don't leave me. If you die, I'll die too. You're my life, my everything." mourning in front of me, making me fear death.

After that day, you didn't come. I was missing you, like I had already lost you for centuries. After that day, you didn't come again. You never visited me. I'm worried. It made me feel miserable. I had mental breakdown. Where are you? Don't you miss me? Do you already love someone?

After a week or so, I received a good news. There was a donor. I wanted to tell you but you weren't there. I've called you a hundred times yet you still didn't answer, not even once. I kept on contacting you. I wanted to see and hug you like crazy.

The operation was successful. I was happy that I had the chance to live again. But the thought of you not being here when I woke up, removed all the excitement.

My mother was on bliss that I'm still alive. I had to rest for a few days, but I would be discharged soon. I kept on imagining my reaction when we meet. What will I do first? Will I kiss you? Hug you? But I'm planning more than that. I want to marry you. I'm going to live with you forever. Let's live and love together, my love.

I'm already discharged. I'm home but you weren't there. I thought you were waiting for me. "Did you see him?" I asked my mom pointing at your picture on my phone, as I continued to giggle. It was your candid shot. You looked so cute and adorable. You were laughing that time, exposing your bunny teeth. She didn't answered me instead she gave me a letter and her tears started to overflow.

I opened the envelope slowly, as my heart started to race rapidly because of panic. I couldn't understand, but I was fearing something I couldn't specify? Why is my mom crying?

Dear Love,

I love you.

As I finished reading it, my tears fell non-stop. I screamed out of anger and pain. I fell down to my knees, hugging your letter, your last word. I released the most painful sobs. I yelled as I could. I bowed as there's no more tears to let out. Why are you so selfless yet so selfish?

"He called me. He's begging me to come to his house. I went there as fast as I could but when I arrived, he's already dead, with two envelopes. One was saying; 'Give her my heart. Please don't tell her until she recovers.' And the second letter is the one you are holding." She said, as she bent down to hug me. She tapped my back, trying to comfort me.

I knelt down to touch your name written on the stone. Perth Cairns, how unique.

"I miss you, I miss you so much." I managed to say, as my own tears interrupted me. I miss everything, I miss the way you hug me. I'm craving for you. I wish I can see you again, even in my dreams. I miss your voice, I should've recorded your voice whilst singing a lullaby for me. I miss your eyes, I should've looked at them whenever I had a chance. I miss you very much.

"I won't waste it, I promise." I whispered as I let my forehead touch the ground and caress your name that was sculpted on the stone.

My life was nothing before I met you, but it became worse after I lost you.