3AM: Life or Death?

Chapter 3

Yoongi POV

Running a hand through my hair, I glance over at the others who are all cheerfully talking together. My breathing is heavy, but I try to ignore it, knowing I haven't even begun to work hard enough. So, despite the fact that we're supposed to be starting a five minute break, I take only a small sip of water before stepping back out into the open area of the practice room and begin reworking the moves in hopes to improve.

I haven't spoken with any of the six of them since I spoke with Jimin during the lunch hour, our conversation still running repeat in my mind. All of my conversations with Jimin over the last couple of months running on repeat. The conversations I've had with Jungkook over the last two months haunting my mind as I work through the dance. It's not that I want to think all of it over. I don't want to think of how much pain I've caused either of them. Don't want to think about how much they both seem to care.

It only makes living that much harder. I'm not good enough for the band and I'm not good enough for my friends. I'm not good enough for Jungkook and I'm not even good enough for my damn self. I hold back whimpers at the thought, wishing I could be decent at something. Wishing I could be good enough for those that mean the most to me.

I know I never will though. Nobody wants to date someone who's just got their mind chocked full of demons and nightmares. Nobody wants to date a monster. I haven't even been doing good enough to make it seem like I'm not just directing it at Jungkook, making it seem like I'm only pushing him away. I can't seem to fake it well enough to pretend to be happy either though. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I'm certainly not happy, and I haven't been for a while now. It's only been the last couple of months that my depressions been acting up now, but it's been absolutely drowning me.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of worry. Constantly trying to hide everything to pretend that it's all okay and that there's nothing wrong. I'm one of the hyungs in this band and I have to step the hell up. I've been slacking on so many different aspects of who I'm supposed to be, and it's all just getting to be insane. I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to be able to catch up on any of it.

"Hyung, what're you doing? You should be taking a break and resting like the rest of us." Jungkook speaks up, causing me to jump slightly from the unexpected interruption, slipping and falling on my ass as I look over T him with wide eyes. Though, his eyes are just as wide now that I've fallen to the floor, seemingly conflicted as to whether to come over or not. Huffing quietly to myself, I run a hand through my hair and shake my head as I push myself back up onto my feet.

"I'm fine, Jungkook. Seriously, stop worrying so much about me. I can look after myself." I mumble quietly, trying to get back into rhythm as I start trying to repeat the steps to the dance.

"Hyung, please? You've been working really hard all day long and you've not given yourself a break. You need to relax and breath a bit. Give your body a second to process everything you've been working on and to just breathe for a minute. You're gonna overwork yourself." Jungkook argues with a worried frown, causing me to slow my motions and purse my lips with a small pout.

I don't want to stop working. I know I'm one of the worst dancers in the group. I know I'm behind with my talent compared to the others. The last thing I want is to hold everyone back. But, I don't want to disappoint and hurt Jungkook. I don't want to keep hurting him and being so cold. I just... I don't know how, when if I let myself get close to him, I know I'll fall harder than I've already fallen for him, if that's even possible. And that's the last thing I need.

"I need to keep practicing though, Kookie. I need to do better." I mumble softly, not wanting to let the band down. Not wanting to be the one to drag them all down.

Jungkook gives me a small smile though, walking over to me. It makes me stop dancing altogether, looking up at him through my lashes as I hang my head, not really knowing what he's doing. He places his hands on my shoulders though, and I quickly grow a strong urge to just lean up and peck his lips. Though, I'll never have the type of courage it takes to do that, being too weak to be apart of this band as it is.

"You'll continue improving as we continue practicing together, hyung. It's okay to take a break once in a while though. You're the one that taught the rest of us that, remember?"