size zero ღ changlix

otto

trigger warning
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the hands on the clock were still moving past as felix spent nearly 2 hours running on the treadmill. every time he burned 200 calories, he allowed himself to rest briefly. he thought about how he should've went home around dinner time but was too preoccupied with burning the calories he's consumed. he felt as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, each step felt like he was falling deeper into the ocean. he couldn't deny the aching feeling growing from his ankles and the rumbling sound of his empty stomach, screaming for any form of solid food. he tried his best to ignore the internal pain. telling himself just 3 more minutes. yet it was never just 3 minutes. he wanted to work himself to the absolute brink of breaking point.

he quickly stepped off after he felt the vibrations of his phone through the pockets of his joggers. he quickly picked it up without checking the contact name.

"felix? are you still at the gym?" it was changbin. his words rolled off his tongue sweetly like some kind of sick joke.

"uh—yeah," felix said into the phone, attempting to hold his breath so he wouldn't hear how exhausted his lungs were.

"you missed dinner. should i come get you?"

"oh uh no it's alright. that's not n-necessary," he stuttered, too mentally exhausted to even bring himself to talk regularly.

"felix you don't sound okay," he added with a heavy sigh through the phone.

"i'm fine! i'm really fine!" he quickly exclaimed, running a hand through his coarse hair. changbins voice practically echoed inside his mind.

"i'm on my way, felix. wait for me," he ended the call without another work spoken. felix cursed under his voice and made his way to the locker room. his legs felt like jello, as if they were going to collapse under him as he walked out of the cardio room. he entered the boy's locker room, glancing around for any sign of another male in the room. he exhaled slowly, steadying his breathing. he stood in front of the full body mirror, staring at the disgusting person he's become. the way his cheeks flood with fat and his thighs aren't thin enough. he pulled his shirt up to view his abdomen. a small smile appeared while looking at the way his stomach caved in, his ribs slicing through his thin skin. he looked so pale and ill, he was starting to love it. he loved the feeling of the bones grazing each finger. he let his shirt fall from his frail fingers, his knuckles bruising by the bone. his eye bags hung low, the melancholia drying his eyes.

he averted his attention towards the door as he watched it close shut, signaling someone had entered. "felix?" it was changbins soothing voice from a couple lockers down. he walked away from the mirror and trailed his way to the entry way of the locker room. every step was agonizing, shooting the sharpest pain up his spine, twisting his body like vines. he avoided looking into his eyes as he spoke.

"ready to go?" he asked, placing his hand neatly on felix's shoulder. he quickly grew tense, petrified in fear that he could possibly feel all the fat pouring from his shirt. he must be so grossed out with the pitiful thing he has turned into.

"dinner was good. will you have some when we get home?" changbin asked, easing into the situation about his struggles eating. felix just nodded along, mutely staring into the brightly lit moon as it appeared from behind the clouds.

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neither of the two expected to walk in on a fight. felix stumbled back at the sight of jeongin and chan screaming in rage, anger practically fuming and pouring over their bodies. everyone stood around with a shocked face, jaws hanging low as they watched with no idea how to react.

"chan please—" changbin started, straining his voice to speak louder than the two. the older male spun on his heels to glare at him, hair messy and cheeks tinted red from anger. "what do you want?" he scoffed, obviously annoyed at whatever went down before they arrived.

"uh— why are you two fighting?" he muttered out into the dense air of the dormitory. jeongin said nothing, continuing to cry his heart into the sleeves of his sweatshirt. "jeongin is being fucking stupid!" he exclaimed, growling under his breath.

"innie, it's okay," felix jumped in, scooting past the two males as they argued, holding the youngest male close to him as he wailed. his eyes were gloomy, seemingly dark from some kind of paralysis. "i—i want— just— channie hyung," he cried out, voice trembling from the constant sobbing and screaming he had been doing.

"fucking hell..." chan mumbled, "someone else fucking deal with him. i'm leaving," he stormed out of the dormitory without even looking back. slamming the door as he walked out on them. the room was silent besides jeongins crying which has quieted down since the incident.

"what happened?" felix then asked, still holding the boy close to him. all eyes were on jisung as he spoke.

"we were cleaning up after dinner and jeongin was crying because of calories or something and chan got really fed up with babying him all the time and just let loose," jisung said it light heartedly earning a smack on the shoulder form seungmin. "it sounds triggering if you say it like that," jisung smacked his shoulder back. "shh! don't remind him." the two bickered as if they were no longer in the room.

"okay. innie, look at me," felix sighed and lifted his chin to stare into his red rimmed eyes. he smiled apologetically. "did you eat?" he asked.

it was so easy for him to make sure the others had enough to eat but he could never allow himself to eat like them. ana would be so disappointed in him if he ate even a bite without purging or compulsively working out.

jeongin nodded, sniffling away the remaining tears. the two stared at each other for what seemed like hours before felix spoke up again. "you're okay, innie. just rest now. chan will come back to his senses soon," he placed a small kiss on his forehead before pushing the boy along to his bedroom. as he left to his room, so did everyone else.

despite the emptiness in the room, he still imagined everyone was in here with him. like back when they were predebut. they were all tied at the hip, never leaving one another alone. now, it seems as if everything is falling apart around felix without a single notice. he's fighting on the inside but displays a constant smile for everyone. he promised to keep everyone happy and if he can't do it now, he can do it later. his fear is built off of skinny love. one day, he'll reach the point of happiness. for now, he count another day down of not eating.