size zero ღ changlix

quattordici

trigger warning!
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it was getting harder for felix to avoid food. he couldn't help but stare at the other members eating without a worry. while felix, stressed about every single calorie. he wanted to cry or punish himself for even considering eating. he has put so much work towards being skinny, he couldn't give up that easily.

"lix, we're leaving to the hospital now. it's time to get up," changbin sighed, his voice hoarse from just waking up. felix faced the wall before exhaling loudly and turning to face him. he glanced at his messy expression and pouting lips. he looked exhausted yet so endearing. "okay... i guess," felix mumbled, throwing his legs over the bunk and getting down to the cold floors. he avoided bringing his attention to changbins abs as he failed to wear a shirt.

"we're gonna prepare breakfast then leave." changbin finalized before walking out. felix released a sigh. he really wanted to eat breakfast. he thought about the savory taste. but he would only regret it. what's the point of eating when he can just starve?

felix lifted his sweatshirt in front of the body length mirror, admiring the way his stomach caves in. his ribs were bruised, littered with dark colors. his bones were growing weak and he got hurt easily. he was constantly freezing and never felt comfortable in social situations anymore.

he walked out to the dining room where all the members sat with saddened expressions, eating slowly as if time was paused. "lix, please eat before we leave," changbin patted the spot next to him. felix stared down at the plate of food, mentally counting every single calorie. the older male was quick to notice his distressed expression, holding hands and gently drawing circles across his sickly, pale skin. felix couldn't even bring himself to bring the food to his lips, he didn't want to think about all the weight he'd gain. the pressure from the other members made him feel like he was doing something wrong and they knew, which he was but still.

"just a couple bites..." changbin whispered only loud enough for felix to hear. he shot him a worried glance before picking up the fork with shaky hands. he didn't want to disappoint everyone by gaining weight, he didn't want to eat and seem as if he gave up.

he set down the fork before pulling his hand away from changbins, running his hands through his hair. he put his head down, resting it on his fingertips. "felix, are you feeling alright?" jisung asked, noticing the pale appearance and shaking hands.

"y-yeah no, im fine. i'm not going to eat right now, my stomach hurts a bit," felix mumbled, not willing to look any of the members in the eye. changbin sighed, patting felix's thigh before standing up to wash the dishes in the sink. chan shot felix a glare as he trailed back to his room. "changbin what's going on with him?" chan asked, pulling him aside in the living room.

"i don't really know," he shrugged, before adding, "let's just head to see jeongin, alright?" chan nodded before walking out of the room.

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the car ride was quiet for the most part. jisung occasionally cracked a joke that only seungmin thought was funny. the other members, dreaded walking into the hospital room where jeongin laid nearly lifeless. felix had too much on his mind to even consider thinking how the maknae was doing. that's the effect his eating disorder was having on him.

all the members walked together to the front desk. they hesitantly asked for permission to enter jeongins hospital room. changbin walked behind the rest of the members with felix next to him. "are you doing alright?" the elder asked, occasionally glancing over at the blonde. "yeah, i'm alright." he mumbled, trailing inside the hospital room behind the others that smiled in joy to see the youngest awake. he took notice of the machines and the feeding tube through his nose. he really risked his life to be thin.

"how are you feeling?" chan asked, pulling a chair closer to the bed. jeongin had a simple, shy smile across his lips. he shrugged, picking at the skin around his nails. "tired," he added, raising his head to smile at the leader. his skin held no pigmentation and his eyes had discolored, dark bags. nobody knew what to say, they didn't know what would happen to him. he could end up in a facility after this, maybe he's too weak to walk. there were so many possibilities.

"uh, did the doctor mention how long you'll be here?" minho asked, not sure how to phrase the sentence without sounding inconsiderate.

"um, i don't know. i have to do a inpatient hospital program for at least 6 weeks," jeongin chuckled lightly under his breath. he played it off like it wasn't weeks he wouldn't be allowed out of the room, as if he wasn't sickly thin. in a concerning way, felix admired the way the hospital gown barely fit around his skeleton frame. he was scared for the younger boy, he hated to see him so ill. yet, it was motivation to him. if he could survive being merely 90 lbs, then felix could too.

"maybe you could meet a friend here or something," seungmin laughed, feeling woojin nudge his shoulder lightly. jeongin shares yet another shy smile. "maybe."

felix didn't want to admit that this encounter was awkward for him. in a way, he felt as if jeongin was no longer there. it's like he turned to dust. it felt like the first time he's ever met him. he kept internally denying the feeling of jealousy. the attention he received, and all his bones protruding through his skin. jeongin was sick, he could've died. and all felix could think about is how he wished that were him instead. he wanted to be the sickly skinny one whom received all the attention. yet, he was just felix. fat, annoying, and disgusting. that's all he's gonna be if he doesn't step up his game. he wanted to be thin and he'd do anything to get there.

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a/n im sorry it's taken me so long to update this story. i've been busy with work & school. thank you for all the endless support and over 5k reads!! see you next chapter:)