𝐣𝐨𝐤𝐞 - 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐱 ✓

the one where he doesn't know how to feel

"Binnie," Felix asked, "What's wrong?"

Changbin choked as he tried to take a breath. His crying was so violent that his whole body shook with each new wave of tears. Can I tell him? He asked himself, He's the only one who would get it. Why am I so scared? "M-my dad..."

Felix smoothed Changbin's hair and simply held him while he cried. It was a small gesture, but it was enough. Once Changbin had fallen asleep, Felix carried him upstairs to his room, where he set him down and let him rest. He gently kissed Changbin's forehead before he decided to lie down next to him and get some sleep himself. He could worry in the morning, but for now, he knew they both needed to sleep.

The following morning, Changbin woke up with Felix laying on his chest, as he often did. It wasn't often, however, that Felix would leave Changbin's shirt wet with tears. He shook the young Australian, trying to wake him up. "Why were you crying, Lixie?"

Barely awake, Felix admitted, "Because I'm worried about you. I hate seeing you sad, and I always wish I could just take all the sad away from you and yeet it into the sun." He giggled in response to himself. "I don't know if that even made any sense."

"It did," Changbin assured him. "Let's go get some breakfast, and we can talk some more."

Now that he was up and moving, Felix felt more awake and alert. He put a few waffles into the toaster for breakfast and cracked open an energy drink. He wanted to be 100% awake to hear what Changbin had to say. He needed to know what was happening.

"Lix, come sit with me," Changbin crooned, extending his arms and waiting for Felix to fill the empty space next to him on the couch. He continued to whine as Felix explained he had to wait for the waffles to cook. "Felix..." No response. "Lixie?" Ignored again. "Lee Yongbok!" This earned a scoff from Felix as he approached Changbin with their food.

"We do not utter that name in this household," Felix said, his voice strained. The older boy only laughed, so Felix rolled his eyes and hid his smile. "Okay, Binnie, fess up. What's got you so down?"

Changbin took a shaky breath before he began to explain. "My dad... he found some things he didn't like about our family— me specifically. So he left. It's so strange because it wasn't a huge scene, there was no grand argument and a slamming door as he left, it was just that he packed his bags, got in the car, and told mom he was never coming home." He sighed, blinking back tears. "Mihyun and Jiyoung don't even understand that he's gone yet. Chaeng's pissed. Chaseul is still abroad for school, so I don't think he even knows yet."

Felix rested his head on top of Changbin's as he played with his raven-coloured hair. "That sucks, dude. I'm so sorry. Let me know if I'm being nosy and I'll back off, but I have a question. You told me how your siblings reacted, but you didn't tell me how you feel about it. What's going on in your head right now?"

"I don't exactly know how I feel. I feel guilty because I'm the one who tore our family apart. I feel... resentful because my dad left us behind. I'm hurt because he wouldn't think about the way his stupid choice would impact his wife and his kids. I mean, Mihyun and Jiyoung are so young. They're gonna grow up without a dad," he sniffled as he continued, "And even though this sounds terrible, I'm kind of relieved. Now I don't have to deal with all the horrible shit he did, and I can try to move on and stop hating him, and I know he can't hurt us anymore. And... even though the situation sucks, I've got someone who understands." He reached up behind him to cup Felix's face, trying to be reassuring. He was unsure if he was trying to reassure Felix or himself, but it worked for them both.

"I know what you mean," Felix murmured, "I was pretty much the same way every time my dad left. Feeling bitter and letting your anger toward him control you won't do you any good. You saw how that affected me. But you need to learn to live for yourself. Be good to yourself. You've got to remind yourself that you can exist on your own, regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels, because you have to realise that you're a good person and you're worth living for." The mood in the room was tense and somber, but not for long...