𝐣𝐨𝐤𝐞 - 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐱 ✓

the one with a 2am visit

Felix woke up to his phone ringing. He glanced at his screen and saw that it was 2:18am and Changbin was calling. He picked up, still half asleep.

"Lixie," Changbin slurred, "Baby... I miss you so much. This should be illegal, it feels gross."

Felix sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. "How much have you drank tonight, Changbin?"

"Why aren't you calling me Binnie anymore?"

"Fine, Binnie," felix hissed, "How much have you drank tonight? You sound like you're trashed." He didn't get an answer, just a laugh and a cough. "Damn it, Changbin, I'm coming over. Unlock your window and make sure you have clothes on because I do not want a repeat of last time." He ended the call and slid on one of Changbin's hoodies over his pajamas before leaving. He stomped down the street to Changbin's house and climbed up to his window, letting himself in and landing on Changbin's bed. He wasn't there.

Suddenly Felix heard giggling and walked toward it. He opened the closet door and found Changbin hiding there, wearing a t-shirt he'd stolen from Felix months ago.

"Aww," the older boy cooed, "We match! I stole your shirt and you stole mine, and it looks so nice on you, and you're so pretty and—"

"Binnie, come here." He did as he was told, sitting next to Felix on the bed and laying his head in the younger boy's lap. Felix played with his dark hair as he solemnly whispered, "Changbin, why do you drink so damn much all the time? You're killing yourself and making the rest of us watch. I'm so scared."

The bubbly and giggly drunk Changbin was gone in an instant, replaced by quiet and lonely drunk Changbin. "It's so I don't have to think," he said bluntly, "I don't like to do it. At first it was so I wouldn't have to think about you, and I still do it that way sometimes but I'm pretty sure you like me now so I don't think I have to pretend I never think about you. But I did it for so long, I can't stop. I don't even get headaches the next morning because I've put my body through these kinds of things so much that it's used to it. I get sick when I don't drink."

Felix choked on a sob. "You're the dumbest person I know," he cried, "But I love you so much. But you won't even remember this tomorrow morning because you never do. You just kill your mind and then do whatever you want for a few hours and then the rest of us have to clean up your mess. Well, what happens when the mess you leave behind is me?! What happens when you unleash the greatest punchline you guys have ever come up with and I'm broken, and you check out by getting hammered and then I'm not there to fix your messes because I can't even fix myself. What the hell am I supposed to do then?!"

Changbin held Felix tight as he said, "I want to stop, I really do. I just don't know how. But no matter how much stupid stuff I do, I never want to hurt you, Lix. You mean too much to me for that."

"Go to sleep," Felix said, feigning stability, "You don't have to worry about me. Worry about yourself, because what you're doing isn't healthy. You're destroying your body." He pried Changbin's arms from his waist and stood up. Felix waited until Changbin was asleep before turning him on his side and leaving.

He wiped his tears as he spoke reassuring words to himself. "He's too out of it to know," he sniffled, "He doesn't remember. It'll be okay." Felix was hurt. He'd been through this sort of thing before.

Just before his dad left for good, he remembered his mom saying almost the same thing, saying that his alcoholism would kill him and that she didn't want their kids to be exposed to watching him destroy himself. That was the night his dad snapped. The night Felix got the scar that was deep set into his forearm. The night Felix became afraid to love.

He'd grown up watching everyone he loved suffering at the hands of his alcoholic father. He tried to tell himself that if he never loved anyone, then he could never lose anyone. But now he was berating himself because he was in love.

He was in love with a person who had the same problem that tainted his childhood, and he knew that he could never get away from what he felt for Changbin.

"If he won't get help, I have to do it for him."

a/n: hey babes we out here with that angst. get ready for some ~tragic backstory~ and sad sappy stuff

AND

thank you so much for 5k reads!!
it was actually earlier today i posted my last chapter and within a few hours there were suddenly 5k reads and i'm so grateful uwu