Unrequited love

quatre

Hot water poured on my naked body, and I couldn't stop thinking of the last Saturday. It's been 4 days since I've last seen Matty and I've missed him every second since. He looked at me the same way every girl wants to be looked at and it felt so good being with him, I felt careless. It was almost as if he cared as well, and maybe he did, but when he said we should go, right after I told him I'm falling for him, I felt like every bone in my body was breaking. Maybe I said it too soon and maybe he just doesn't fall for anyone or maybe he's too scared to love someone who's younger or maybe he's too scared to love anyone. Maybe. And maybe it would be better not to know because some thigs are better left unsaid. 
His hands on my body made shivers on it and I swear I never felt that way before.

I went out today, to this bar called 'downtown', a bar where most of youth comes because it's more of a rock bar and it's just a really cool bar to get drunk while listening to good music. Of course I kissed boys who didn't even impress me in any way but I guess people would do anything to dristract themselves from missing someone. People get drunk and hook up with a wrong person, pretending they're alright,  but then it's 3 am and you're in the shower, washing all of his words, all of the memories, all of his touch off you, hoping you could forget about it all, hoping you could forever have them in your life, because you don't know what's worse, forgetting about them or not, being sad because of them or being sad because of something else, or not feeling a thing. 
It's like, you meet a person and they make you forget about yesterday and just make you dream about tomorrow.

Maybe I fell in love with him because he loved me (or my body and not anything else) when I couldn't love myself. And sometimes when I'm working in the bar and someone who wears black clothes comes in it, they remind me of him and I have to sit down. It hurts. And I don't get it. I never believed in love at first sight, and I suppose this wasn't love at first sight because I only liked the way he looked at first and then I got to know him more and it made me fall. He probably doesn't feel the same, but it sure felt like he did. 
It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, but them. 
How can I be okay if he's okay without me?

I stepped out of the shower, feeling the coldness of the air graze my body. I put the towel around my body and went to my room, where I looked myself into the mirror. 
"I look like a complete fuck up junkie with far too much of mascara running down my cheeks."  
"And I'm talking to myself." I glanced at the wall clock that showed it's 3.42 am. I picked a big t-shirt and some thighs to wear as a pajama and went into the bed. 

//

The sound of the alarm clock woke me up and I groaned, realising it's time to go to work. It was only 6 am and my shift starts in 2 hours. I guess it's still better to work in the morning than in the evening because there are so many annoying men, all drunk, saying all kinds of stuff that make you sick to your stomach.
I opened my closet, some sweaters falling on the floor.
"fuck." I picked them up and decided to wear black jeans and a grey tshirt. The usual. I made myself some breakfast, the only meal that I allowed myself to eat something a little bit less healthy. Some chocolate cereal with yoghurt. I sat down on the couch and lit myself a cigarette, while drinking coffee. 

"I am okay with not being okay, I have accepted that there are cracks in me just like there are cracks everywhere in the world, in the universe. We all have them and all I want is to make them smaller." The moon shone lightly into his apartment through the window at his bed. 
"you do realise that no one's perfect and that perfection is not reachable?" I touched the tip of his lips.
"Is it hopeless that I think about unreachable things the whole time or is it just a thing people do when they still have hope?" he kissed my lips.
"I guess you'll have to find the answer yourself love." 

I walked to work and Marina called me just as I stepped into the bar.
"Hey Lizzy I was wondering if you have time tomorrow to go out again? It's Friday and you can come sleep at my place?" 
"yeah I guess I do. Have fun in college today and if that creep in History class starts to bother you in any way tell me, I'll beat his ass." she laughed at my comment and said she can't wait to see me tomorrow.
Those 4 hours until lunch time were so long and no one interesting came, so while there were no customers I was reading a book by Chingiz Aitmatov, Jamilia.

"one coffee with milk please." I looked up from the book, hearing the voice of a man I knew so well. Or did I? I put the book away and saw the smirk on his face. "hello Matty."I went to make him a cup of coffee when he invited me to go out with him now that I have lunch. I accepted the offer.

a/n: uh quite a short chapter but ill update soon enough alright i just dont have enough time at the moment, sadly because id love to write more but i have to study:( 
spread love, anamaria xxx