Unrequited love

vingt

-before you read any further I want you to know that this chapter is very triggering and it's best if you don't read it if you feel uncomfortable around drug abuse/death/etc.
-this is the last part before epilogue #2, a sad way to end this story.
-I want you to know that I am not in ANY way romanticising suicide, depression, addiction or anything like that. I know these are serious things but I also do know how it is like so everything that I have written is solely based on how I have experienced drugs/depression.
-I love you all.

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I could barely open my eyes, I was so hot and i felt dizzy. I could feel salty tears on my lips and me remembering the bad things didn't really help.

Last night's memories didn't left my mind and as beautiful as it was, it hurt.

His eyes full of lust and love made me feel, but it's too much.

I didn't want to be here anymore.

"Jesus christ Elizabeth, why can't you do one damn thing straight? Get your shit together, I'm sick of your reckless behavior and fuck, I've had it." Dad meant it this time.

"Elizabeth, I'm not even sorry for breaking up with you. You disgust me. Honestly, stop being such a stuck up bitch and leave me the fuck alone." He was drunk, that I could tell. But he was honest. That I could tell too.

You know, people say that before you die there are moments crashing in your head at the speed of light?

"I'm so confused. I don't know who I am and what I want to do. I'm stuck in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can't seem to get out of it. Everything gets to me and I'm so sorry for everything, fuck, Marina I love you but I'm so sorry." My voice was shaking and her eyes were filling with tears.

"Remember when we were little and you were the kid everyone wanted?" I nodded, still looking at the floor.
"Well, you're nothing like that anymore. You're just what men want now." My sister, who should be there for me no matter what, I suppose, gave up on me.

Well I guess I couldn't recall those nice memories because all I could think of was the ones who maybe brought me to this mess. To me sitting on the bathroom floor, not being able to breathe normally. Not being able to do anything.

"Fuck Elizabeth, you mean nothing to me okay? Nothing. You're just good for sex." He laughed.

Worthless.
Stupid.
Naive.
Beautiful.
Blessed.
Wise.

Confused.

He didn't go out of my head, and i was so mad at myself that I put my happiness into a person. Into someone who can leave in a matter of seconds and can leave you behind like you were nothing.

"You were always a fuck up."

Maybe all I needed was something to hold onto.

And it was him and I needed him and when he left, I suppose I couldn't control myself any longer.

In one moment I was feeling everything and I was feeling nothing.

I missed my mum and in those long moments she was the one I needed the most.

Fuck Matthew and fuck everyone else.

I needed her.

But god, he burns me and shocks me and shatters me with a single touch. Because of him I felt alive but fuck who am I?

No one.
Trash.
Girl who has it all but is a spoiled little brat
Stupid
Stupid
stupid.

Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
Is this the life you want to live?

Some loud noise was coming from my pocket, I felt like puking. Was this the end?

My stomach was burning.

My cheeks were burning.

What are you?

Stupid to the power of stupid.

My mother's laughter was ringing in my ears. Bzz bzz bzz.

I missed her.

I missed him.

I missed myself.

Who was I?

"Dig deep. Dig deep to find your soul."

I tried to get up, but couldn't. My stomach decided to give up and I it felt like I was vomiting my soul out of myself.

Who do you want to be?

I don't know.

My head hurt and i couldn't see clearly. It felt horrible. I could feel my heart pumping blood, it did so very quickly. Even that hurt.

Is this the life you want to live?

No.

It hurt so badly and through my head were going the words with no meaning at all.

Bees. Butterflies. Birds. Baloons.
Moon. Milk. Me. Meat. Mountain.  Monday.
Television. Telephone. Theatre. Trees. Town.
Love. Lust. Lions. Lack. Lord.

What?

I was shaking and tried to scream. I was so angry.

The little empty bag still laid on the floor and the injection was still there.

I couldn't sit on my knees any longer, and gave up. I fell on the floor, right next to the toilet.

it stunk.

You're
Not
The
Only
One
Falling.

Is falling in love beginning or the end?

I wanted this to end so badly. I was sick of this. Of life. Of everything.

I guess, I wasn't alright.

There is a place in the heart that will never be filled, and you wait and wait and wait and then once it fills, but for how long?

And I didn't feel anymore.