Unrequited love

cinq

"So Elizabeth, how have you been?" I couldn't be mad at him. Not when he hugged me the same way he did every time we met and not when he kissed me with so much love that I almost forgot how to breathe. I just couldn't. And honestly, I had no reason to be mad. All he did was ignore my comment and left me for some days. Then coming back, which made everything better.

"Alright I guess, thanks. And you?" I took a sip off my coffee and he lit his cigarette, offering me one as well. Of course, I took it. At the touch of our fingers I flinched and I remembered how once my mother said that I can never give up on love, no matter how hard it is. That if you love someone, that's all that matters. I missed her. In 3 months it will be 3 years since she died, I missed her so much.

"I'm okay. Didn't know you worked in that bar though." I laughed.

"I'd prefered not to work there to be honest, but it's the best I can manage. And it's not too far from where I live. I'd love to work in Downtown bar, you know, where we met? That one is cool. And it plays better music." He chuckled and I thought of the day we met.

"you look so cool babe." I heard someone saying behind my back, feeling their soft breath on my skin. I turned around to face them, seeing an older man, around 20-25, wearing all black. His eyes were fixated into mine and I kissed his lips. He seemed surprised by my actions, but I didn't care. His tongue explored my mouth like it was the most important thing to do, ever. His hands traveling up and down my spine, causing me to moan. His lips made its way down my neck and I ran my fingers through his messy, dark hair.

"what kind of music do you like?" I asked him. He thought for a moment before telling me all about it.

"I like music that makes you feel, makes you think and well, just every kind of music. The way my brain is so based around music almost drives me crazy. I love music, I can't imagine life without it. I express myself in it. I write music about my life, that kind of music that could be a soundtrack to my life. As if John Hughes directed it. He always found just the perfect songs for his films. It's amazing how much music can make you feel. And what can make you feel. You know?" I wasn't shocked at what he told me, I knew he was different. Most of people my age would only talk about how music lately is lame and how real music doesn't exist anymore. And would babble about that, just to sound cool. Or I don't know. Some would say how they adore Justin Bieber and One Direction and how obsessed they are with them. But I knew that Matty wasn't like that. So I only nodded.

"I actually didn't ask you how you feel about music, but thank you for the answer anyways. I know what you mean, I feel like that as well. Well, I don't write music like you do, but I do write poems, even if they're crappy and I paint, which is like writing lyrics and chords. Maybe once you could show me some of your work, I'd love to see it."

"Only if you show me yours." he smirked at me and I told him I never showed my work to anyone. Well, the big paintings I made were of course seen by some people that entered my apartment, and I've already sold some of the paintings, but showing someone your poems or those little paintings that are only made with a pencil or with charcoal, those are more personal than any of those that I show to others, and it would be embarassing to show them to someone like Matty, I think he wouldn't laugh. He seems like a person who appreciates all kinds of art, no matter if it's horrible- like mine probably is, but still.

"Elizabeth, you should know that you're an amazing person and you shouldn't be embarassed of what you do or how you think. That's who you are and I think you're a great person." I inhaled the smoke from the cigarette and after a few seconds exhaled it. I smiled at him and said I had to go.

"here's the money for the coffee, goodbye Matthew." I waved him goodbye, but he stopped me.

"I'll pay, I invited you so yeah." he then came closer to my ear. "I'd like to see you tomorrow, I'd like us to have some fun."with that he left me standing there on the pavement, staring at the road.

"I'd like us to have some fun." it is obvious what he meant by that and to be honest, I wanted it as much as he did. It was only the fact that I couldn't wait to feel his touch again and to be kissed by him. I was addicted, and I wasn't sure what he felt.

I started walking towards the bar I worked in only to realise I've been late for about 20 minutes and that my boss, meaning my mum's best friend, was pissed.

"young lady." of course she'd say that. What pissed off adult wouldn't? "You're late. Customers waited and you were having fun. I hope this doesn't happen again. It is completely irresponsible. Now go back to work." She didn't sound as angry as she looked like, probably because I reminded her so much of my mother, and she couldn't stay mad at me. I went to the bathroom, and looked myself into the mirror, realising my hair was a mess. My curls were just so annoying and it was hard to make them straight. And I want to have straight hair. Like most of models do.

I took a small bag of white powder in it from my pocket and placed some of it on the shelf under the mirror. I made some lines and snorted the cocaine,helping myself with a rolled piece of a paper. Shaking my head after snorting the 2 lines I made my way back to the bar. I saw a couple of new customers and I went to greet them and take their orders.

And I couldn't wait until the end of work.

//

I took my phone and earphones, then went outside to go for a jog. I didn't like running, honestly, I looked stupid in a tracksuit and in running shoes and well, running looked stupid, but it had to be done, it gives you a good figure and it's good for your health, so I didn't mind doing it.

Before I met Matty, I felt like I was walking through life with a blinfold on or sleepwalking because nothing seemed real, everything just seem to pass me by like a blur and I tried so hard to get a grip of something, but I couldn't, just as I thought I could, they left or I let go of them and I went back to the hazy places, where nothing was okay.

But I didn't let go of him and the blindfold was taken of. People always say how they would like to get their feelings erased, but trust me, it's not that fun. At first it's alright, but then it becomes a burden. It's okay not to feel the sadness, but to not feel the joy of the world is awful. I know I sound like a oh-so-depressed teenager, but when I lost my mum I stopped feeling, I was so angry and sad for such a long time after she died that one day I had enough and I just said that if you don't want to have your heart broken it's best to not have one. After 2 years a boy came along and I fell in love, I did. I felt again. I felt how it is to be in love. It was amazing. But it ended so quickly, just as I convinced myself that it's okay to fall, to feel, I saw him kissing the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Of course I wasn't enough. Just like he said "you were great in bed, but babe you're so not my type." I built walls higher than I have ever before. I started to become perfect. I had so many flaws, I still do. But that boy drove me to the edge and I changed myself. Now I'm thinking about a man with tattooes and messy hair and dark clothes, the bad boy that every girl dreamt of. You know, Marina always said she wanted a bad boy who'd be good only for her. Because that's so 'sexy'. But she wasn't the one to catch anyone's attention, she probably wouldn't catch his. People said I was the one who boys first saw when entering a room.

But I wanted so badly to become Marina. When we were 16 all I ever wanted was to become her. She was so confident, funny and pretty. All which I wasn't. But now, she always says how much she adores me. It's so strange to be the one that people notice. It's a good feeling, but it doesn't mean I don't hate the way I look. Everytime I look into the mirror there's another flaw I'll try to get rid of. People think I'm perfect and all that, but I'm not. I am so not. It's not only the fact that I take drugs and get wasted almost every day and smoke and drink coffee, my appearance wasn't as good as they all thought it was. I don't know how they thought I was so pretty, because I wasn't. I had way too small lips and I didn't like my nose and well I could go on and on and on.

I noticed how dark it has gotten and I decided to go home. It was already 8pm which meant I had only an hour left to go home and not to miss the new episode of Grey's anatomy.

a/n: another update, yay!! okay so i thought that maybe, for a change, the main character (elizabeth, who else) would be that girl who everyone liked, who everyone admired, because there's just so many of fanfics in which the main character is never noticed and you know, so i wanted to write about a girl who's 'perfect' because she can break down as well. hope you've liked this, i did make it up to you, didnt i? okay, enjoy the rest of the weekend, i sure as hell won't, because im going to be studying for the whole day, amaing! okay goodnight, here it's 2 am so i should really go to sleep.

spread love, anamaria xxx