Unrequited love

dixsept

/ / day 6 / /

We were both so tired and stressed. He couldn't stop saying "fuck" and other curse words. He was a bit aggressive at times and I was frustrated all the time.

I imagined the whole thing so much different, I imagined it being fun and crazy,now it's the complete opposite.

I could at least know that we would be so nervous and such and prepare myself for that.

Instead I was dreaming of 'perfect' two weeks where we could fall in love more and more. Where we could fall in love stronger.

It turns out he maybe doesn't feel like I do.

Or he does but just doesn't care.

"Matty?" I could feel the frustration in his voice when he replied with a simple 'yes'.

"Are you okay?" He nodded his head and coughed. I grabbed my jacket, still a bit dizzy, but didn't care, I needed fresh air and I had to walk a bit. To think it all through.

I don't know, maybe I am over reacting, maybe I am just too all over the place. Maybe all he wants is sex and not love.

But I do know that I do fucking love him and I crave his touch, his voice to wake me up every day.

The thing is, I loved how he made me feel. But at the same time I have been nothing more but overwhelmed by emotions and feelings I haven't felt in such a long time and it is not always a good thing.

I still hated the way I looked like and if I could I'd smash the mirror every time I looked in it. Because what I saw in it, was this pale face with thin lips and stupid hair that apparently always had a bad day. Then I rubbed my eyes and realised how awful my arms looked like and how flappy they were.

But when I was with him I didn't really care, he made me feel beautiful. I was beautiful with him. And that's one of the many reasons why I couldn't let him go.

The waves of the cold, dark sea were touching the tip of my toes and the sun shone brightly and my stomach still hurt a lot. So did my throat, from all the puking but I could feel the drugs slowly fading away from my body.

I wasn't sure for how long it would stay that way. For me not thinking about it every fucking minute of every fucking day.

Was I strong enough to make it happen? To not use drugs again?

Or would I use them as soon as I had the chance?

I shook my head to stop thinking about the dark subject and stood up, deciding whether I should go back to the van or to walk a bit further and leave Matty alone for a while.

But of course, because I couldn't stand being without him,I returned and fell into his arms the moment I saw him.

"Babe?" I couldn't tell if he was actually worried or not.

I kissed him and he kissed back and I pushed him onto the so called bed and kissed him roughly, getting a rougher kiss back. He started kissing my neck and his hands went up and down my body, stopping at the most sensitive part of my, already turned on, body. I moaned when his fingers found his way under my undies and when he kissed my breasts I couldn't hold it anymore.

"I want you so much Matthew."

//

We laid on the bed for a while, not even talking,both in our own worlds; in mine he occupied most of it and as I turned around, to face him, he was already staring at me.

"Matty, I know you don't do relationships but..." before I could even finish, he cut me of; "just stop, alright?"

"No. What are we? Do you love me?" His eyes widened.

"Fuck." He sighed.

"Please Matty."

"Why do you need to know for fucks sake? Why can't you fucking enjoy the thing and not worry about everything all the time?" I gasped and took a deep breath before replying.

"I'm so deeply in love with you, you can't even imagine how much. It's fucking hard, but beautiful at the same time. I love you. I love you. I love you." I sat up. "Don't you get it? You had me the first time you looked at me. I can't resist you. You're so compelling. So amazing. And I'm sorry if you're afraid to feel or afraid to love but you should know that I'm so in love."

I couldn't believe myself, the fact that I just told him all of that. I felt relieved though.

He just stared at me, not saying a word and just as I wanted to say something more, he cut me off, yet again.

"I only wanted you because of sex."